My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. I have a 15 yr old dd and he has a 9 yr old dd. We all get along fine together and have a good time. The 9 yr old's mother (who cheated and left my bf for another man, I should add....3 years ago!) is totally crazy over the girl spending time with us. When her daughter mentioned an activity we had planned for the coming weekend, her mother yelled, "You see, she is trying to replace me!! I knew this would happen!!" This is what the 9 yr old shared with BF. He has tried talking with her and saying that of course I am not trying to replace her and that at most I will be an important person in the child's life. She doesn't seem to stop however and it makes the child very confused because she actually likes me.
I feel very disheartened about it sometimes and can see that is makes my BF upset.
Has anyone else been through this sort of thing?
I remeber being 9 and starting to realize that my mom is just human and can be wrong. Don;t let it get to you too much. Also maybe stay away from the "I am just trying to be an important person in your life" she is 9 she doesn;t understand really waht any of these relationships are and it just guves her something to say back to her mom, Let her mom confuse her and just maintain your role when you all spend time together.
Crazy Bio Mom: SHE IS REPLACING ME!
Calm 9 yearold: No mom she just wants to be important in my life
CBM: MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME BALRGERAPH?
9 yearold: I don't think so she didn't make me a chart or anything.
She is smart she might even ask you sometimes if you do something motherly if you are trying to replace her mother. DOn;t get upset just say no I am not. Also make sure to make sure she is comfortable with motherly things. Like if she needs help brushing her hair always ask don't tell her.
As for the mom I can only assume her cheating relationship did not pan out and now her back burner plan is happy with a woman who is nice to her kid and well that just wont do.
All of us kids with crazy moms eventually figured it out. Let SD figure it out too. My mom always used to talk crap about my dad and sure it was true but it still hurt my feelings. Even now that I know he is a sociopathic con man I hate when she talks trash about him. He is my only dad and the man she married ended up molesting us and torturing our family so he is the best dad I have. I would much rather learned about him from knowing him instead of hearing it second hand from her.
Thanks for your response. My BF actually told his ex that I would just be an important person in the daughter's life, not the child. You make a good point. I try not to ever say anything about that kind of thing to the child. I am sure her mother can twist anything around.
I am so happy with the 2 of them, I just hope the drama lessens over time.
Yes the ex's new marriage did end and rather quickly, but she has another guy living in her house now. Who knows how long that one will last. (sigh). She is VERY controlling. The daughter has already asked how old she has to be before she can decide where she wants to live. I think she is already starting to see her mother for what she is.
My own dd's father has some issues. She knows what he is about, but he is her dad and I try to discourage her from talking badly about him. But I still acknowledge his issues because I don't want her to ignore them either and end up with a guy just like him someday.
"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life."
You can't control what mom thinks or does, just what you do. My step-daughter's mom has said some awful stuff about me and the first couple years were the worst. The only thing I could control is what I did, and I continued to be a good person, to build a strong relationship with my step-daughter, and to support her relationship with both her parents. When she repeats something her mom says, I answer honestly in a way that doesn't speak ill of her mom-- at most I will say something about different people having different beliefs. If she (now 10) said her mom said something like that, I would probably say something like, "I would never want to replace your mom. I love being your step-mom and I work hard to be the best step-mom I can be."
Thanks for hearing me. My bf and his ex are about to go for a custody hearing in a few weeks. So she is being kind of quiet right now. BF's daughter and I are becoming closer and she really seems to enjoy her time with me. I feel so bad for her that she has to go through this with her mom. Her dad would never speak badly about her mom or her mom's bf to her. I just wish her mom would show us the same courtesy, but I will not hold my breath for that.
"I would never want to replace your mom. I love being your step-mom and I work hard to be the best step-mom I can be." <--- This is perfect. Thanks aricha.