Husband and son can no longer live together - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 34 Old 07-10-2014, 08:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by OrmEmbar View Post
I was thinking about you that other day and wondering if I could find your old thread. Thanks for the update. Sending hugs.
Can you go to a therapist to talk about this? Does the women's shelter have resources to point you towards even if they don't have room? Can you talk more with the family your son is staying with and start building a circle of support? How is CPS in your area? Calling them and saying you are fearful for your children's safety should initiate interviews with the children. They will have their own views of what is going on. Did your middle child witness the violence? Your husband will provide a slick story, but the more you can get this pattern out into the open the more power you have. Very scary, I know. He will try to make you look crazy. And you will probably feel crazy, but stick to a simple story: it is not okay for my children to grow up fearing for their safety.
Is there a police officer that the local women's shelter trusts? Get in touch with that officer and show them what you wrote here. (Don't show them it's on mothering or your user name!!)
Have the friend you stayed with make a statement about how he took your car and bullied you while you separated last time.
I have a friend who is going through a similar horrendous time with her ex. He has turned his abusive attention to the children to get at her. He is upstanding in the community and lies without hesitation. Having the children in counseling triggered a CPS report by the therapist. For a short while it looked like the creep would get away with the abuse but the children finally started telling more and more to the therapist and a criminal case was opened. Hang in there and gather yourself. You are awesome and clear-seeing. Sending hugs and hugs!

Thank you for this advice! I can see now how actually sharing my situation with people could prove to be helpful. I tend to keep everything to myself and not many people at all have any idea about any of this. I have contacted the mom of my son's friend, and she is supporting me and has offered her help in anyway-she said she would always be willing to testify about what she knows he has done if needed. I may open up to some people at work, too-I work at a school, and everyone is educated and knowledgeable in child development and teenagers in particular, so they would be good to have as allies. I wish I wasn't so afraid to open up and let others know about my situation. But I know if there's no one to back me up, it will be hard to prove anything. Even being on here scares me, as I know it could be found-but I doubt he would search for it.
I don't have a lot of people on my side-even his parents always defend everything he does and justify everything...my husband even told me that it was his own dad who gave him the ideas of shutting off the utilities and locking up items in the garage-so obviously they are not going to help me!
I am sure he will bring up the whole "why don't we just split up" thing again-he says that when he thinks I am acting like something is wrong-he says I am not fun to be around-sorry, I can't imagine why I am not always feeling cheerful and fun-and I should probably just take him up on it and see what happens. I am afraid of what will happen, but I can't just continue to live this way forever.
Luckily, I do have a job. I am actually the primary income earner in our house-I don't make a lot, but it's enough to get by on. I just worry because besides the house, everything else is in his name, so I would have no car. And I don't know what would happen with the house if we split up. I don't know that I could afford the house and all the other bills, as he does work part time and contributes to all of them.
I am not as stupid as I seem-I graduated with highest honors from a university-he will throw this in my face sometimes, that he helped me through school and get a job, and he watched the kids and sacrificed himself, so now he's a loser without a good job. He is in college now, so maybe he won't be able to still use that against me for long. You would think with all my education I would know better than to be in this situation...
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#32 of 34 Old 07-12-2014, 02:00 PM
 
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[QUOTE=RebeccaRN;17797218]
I am not as stupid as I seem-I graduated with highest honors from a university-

Actually, you seem terrified and maybe ashamed, not stupid. You are not alone. It is an unfortunate fact that there are a lot of women who feel like they have no options other than staying with their abusive partner. I personally know four, including my mother. All four have been able to leave and make a beautiful life for themselves and their children. Not easy, but so very worth it!
All of these women were/are intelligent, beautiful, fun .... And for some reason believed their abusive partner and felt undesirable, trapped, at fault for why things were wrong, at fault for getting into such a situation and ashamed to speak their truth.
Please know you are awesome! Please know that your children deserve to have a mother in full blossom! Your children deserve to live in a home with no fighting and no fear.

Can you set up a bank account at a new bank and start stashing money? Have it directly deposited at paycheck time so your husband does not see it coming and going from the account.

Ok. I'm gone for a couple days. Please keep us updated. Hugs!
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#33 of 34 Old 07-12-2014, 02:45 PM
 
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I'm sorry I'm not all that stable myself today but couldn't see your post and not reply. You are NOT crazy or stupid. I don't care if you didn't finish junior high you aren't stupid for loving a man and being tricked by him. Abusers are slick and usually very good at swaying people and making their case. Your children deserve to have a safe and happy home and to have a mother that can relax and enjoy life. I'll try to come back and post when I can think more clearly but you are not alone. It's very hard to go to people IRL when these situations happen but the women on this board are amazing and you'll have support here if you need to vent. I'll come back later.

Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD plus and spending my days
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#34 of 34 Old 07-12-2014, 02:54 PM
 
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I've seen accounts of women who were working in a domestic violence center, helping others get out of abusive relationships, well educated about the nature of abuse and all that- and, after listening to the people they were helping, gradually realized that what they were saying exactly described her relationship. Even people who are well-versed in recognizing abuse and helping people with abusive relationships can find themselves in one, and it's not always easy to get out even for them.

You are not stupid for being in this relationship. You are not stupid for trusting your husband when he said he'd turned over a new leaf. You are not stupid for feeling trapped. Many highly intelligent people have gotten trapped in abusive relationships before, even people who "should have known better".

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