DH and I have a blended family but no common child, I want one, he does not. Is there hope? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 12 Old 03-31-2013, 11:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'll start with the short version. I love dh. We have been together for 4.5 years, living together for 2.5, married since last October. He has a teen son, I have a 20yo ds1 and 10yo ds2. Ds1 is military and not living at home. ds2 is with us every other week (50/50 split with my ex). DSS is with us....on an erratic schedule, typically one or two weekends a month, and dh goes to see him once a week in addition to that (lots of drama with his ex, and they live over an hour away).

 

DH does not want another baby. He says that he would do foster care or adoption but doesn't want a biokid. This kills me. I know that it isn't personal, but still, the man I love doesn't want a baby with me but he would adopt one. I want one WITH him, I want one that is "us". I don't fight with him about it, but I'm getting to the point where I feel like we may end up breaking up eventually over it, and it really, really hurts. Either I have to stop wanting a baby with him, or he has to suddenly want one with me. I don't know if I'll be able to just "stop". Advice?


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#2 of 12 Old 03-31-2013, 11:52 PM
 
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#3 of 12 Old 04-01-2013, 03:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks! I have done foster care and my ex and I adopted a then-16yo from "the system". I would be fine doing that again with dh after we had our own bio kid. If dh and I were to break up, I don't know that I would pursue having a bio-kid on my own, but I would rather be single than partnered to someone who doesn't want to share that type of intimacy with me. If we couldn't have kids due to infertility, I would be FINE with that. I want the experience of trying (well, of sex with the intent to create, not to avoid, iykwim).

 

Long back story short, DH has a turbulent relationship with is son due in large part to his ex "running away" with the kid for almost four years. DH finally found them and got back into his life back in 2009, when dss was almost 11. Prior to and during the early months of their reunification, DH did want another child. However, once all the issues with his son started happening, he decided absolutely no more bio kids. We have had a few decent conversations about it, and he says that he just is done with babies and small kids and that he is too selfish and wants to enjoy his life. However, he is willing to do the foster/adopt. Really, I know that he is afraid due to how is ex is and was and how things are with his son. He doesn't ever want to deal with that again, which I can understand, but I'm not HER! I do believe that *some* of his excuses about not wanting a baby are true and valid, but I believe that the main issue is his past and that he doesn't want to be that vulnerable to a woman ever again.

 

He loves me and is extremely loyal, but he does have a lot of issues with intimacy. We were working on it in therapy but we had to stop due to finances. Should be able to go again in a few weeks. For me, it is less hormonal as I don't want just any baby, I want HIS baby. I want that shared experience. And he doesn't, and the fact that he is too scared is really what bothers me. I don't know, I finally am getting to the point where I am tired of dealing with issues, and I don't want to resent his ex and his son, but that's what's happening.
 


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#4 of 12 Old 04-01-2013, 07:08 PM
 
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I think it's good that you'll be able to talk about this with a councelor again soon. His arguement doesn't really make sense to me. I guess it wouldn't be the case if you we're doing short term fostering but, if you were to adopt a child together then, I'm terms of custody should you separate, there's no difference between an adopted or biological child. Sorry I don't have anything helpful to suggest but I would want to explore why he feels an adopted child would be different.

If it's just that he doesn't want more tiny babies then that makes more sense because you could adopt an older child.

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#5 of 12 Old 04-01-2013, 07:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Exactly. That's why I don't buy that it's the "tiny baby" thing, it obviously isn't.


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#6 of 12 Old 04-04-2013, 09:38 PM
 
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Another question, this time about your stance:  You said it will be a deal breaker if you guys don't  have another child.  

 

1. Are you really willing to break up over this...? 

2. Go through the process of finding another partner that fits you in the million ways including wanting another child...?

3.  And then have a baby with that (a new) partner?  

 

Is it that valuable for you? How old are you? How long do you think that will take -- from the process to get to the decision to break up to landing another partner, to having a baby?  Is this a practical route for you?  

 

I am just asking these questions, by the way.  For me, for example, as a 39 year old woman, if I were in your position, the chances would look bleak.  How does it look for you? 

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#7 of 12 Old 04-05-2013, 10:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Those are good questions. I think I would rather end up single without another bio child than married to a man who is too afraid to try. Does that make sense?
 


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#8 of 12 Old 04-05-2013, 10:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by grisandole View Post

Those are good questions. I think I would rather end up single without another bio child than married to a man who is too afraid to try. Does that make sense?
 

 

Yes, it does make sense from an emotional perspective but I think the reasoning is irrational.  That said, you seem confident in where you stand.  

 

On the flip side of course, worst case scenario is you could coerce (I am using this word because you are issuing an ultimatum) him into having another child and he deeply resents you for it.  The resentment could erode your marriage to the point of failing.  You know your DH, how do you think he will react? 

 

This is just a horrible situation where one's loss is another's winning and it sucks.  I am sorry you are having to deal with it.  Hopefully, your DH will come around.  

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#9 of 12 Old 04-06-2013, 07:52 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Emaye View Post

 

Yes, it does make sense from an emotional perspective but I think the reasoning is irrational. 

 

Not really. The OP's husband not wanting to have a child with her demonstrates something about his character and his feelings for her that she didn't know before. It tells us what kind of person he is. She is saying that if he really is that kind of person, she might not want to be with him after all.

 

It doesn't just have to do with whether she ends up with another baby or not.

 

OP, does your husband know that this is serious, and that this is causing you to have second thoughts about the relationship?

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#10 of 12 Old 04-06-2013, 07:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

 

Not really. The OP's husband not wanting to have a child with her demonstrates something about his character and his feelings for her that she didn't know before. It tells us what kind of person he is. She is saying that if he really is that kind of person, she might not want to be with him after all.

 

It doesn't just have to do with whether she ends up with another baby or not.

 

OP, does your husband know that this is serious, and that this is causing you to have second thoughts about the relationship?

 



Yes, you hit the nail on the head with how I'm feeling. I've been working long hours and have pms fatigue too, so haven't been very concise on this subject, I appreciate your interpreting! Part of why I posted here, before I went to the Parents as Partners forum, is because this relates to our blended family dynamic. If my husband did not have a child, I may not feel the way I do. In fact, I have dated men who never wanted children and I did not take it personally. It's more complicated than DH simply not wanting more. Rational or not, I do feel jealous and hurt that he is not willing to take, that type of risk with me, and I don't want to be with someone who is so fearful, it also feels like he doesn't trust me. Just because I feel that way doesn't mean it's true, hence the therapy to help us sort this all out,.

 

He is aware that this could very well be a relationship dealbreaker in the future. I haven't discussed it with him recently because I am waiting to do it in therapy, and I need to figure out more of my own thoughts and emotions on the topic first, which is why I posted here :) He isn't aware of the exact emotions surrounding it and how it isn't about actually having a baby; I've brought it up once or twice but didn't go into detail. I'm not keeping my feelings a secret, just trying to sort it all out so that I *can* talk to him about it.


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#11 of 12 Old 04-07-2013, 06:57 AM
 
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Frankly, I find it amazing that any non-custodial parent who has been through the hell of losing contact with their child after a divorce is ever willing to risk being that vulnerable again. I really, really empathize with your DH on that front. If he has never adopted, he probably feels that losing access to his child if he breaks up with you would be less 

gut-wrenching if the child didn't share his DNA. He's wrong, of course - but it's a common assumption people make. 

 

Talking all this out in therapy is definitely the correct next step. Even if you can't reach a compromise and remain at odds on the issue, saying exactly how you feel in a very clear way is going to help you feel better. And for your DH, articulating his fear is the first step in the healing process. Even if he never heals enough to want another biokid, he might heal enough to offer you a better intimate connection in other ways, and that might just save your marriage. 

 

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#12 of 12 Old 04-08-2013, 08:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Smithie, thank you, that makes sense and helps. I will feel better after I explain to him what it is I want and why; and you are so right about how he can't even begin to heal until he admits his fear. I do understand his fear, I'm not unsympathetic. Well, maybe I am, actually, because I had the same fear, I even feared having a relationship again, but I put that all aside and risked it. I guess that's where a huge part of my issue comes into play, I feel that he isn't willing to risk it with me, which is like he doesn't trust me or love me enough to try. That may not be true, but it's how I feel. Need to call for therapy asap, lol.
 


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