He is not defending me to his Ex. - Mothering Forums

He is not defending me to his Ex.

WorkingMom30's Avatar WorkingMom30 (TS)
10:15 AM Liked: 0
#1 of 10
04-25-2013 | Posts: 59
Joined: Mar 2012
My husband does not like confrontation. He likes to keep things quiet. My SDs BM treats me so bad. All I ask my husband is to defend me. He refuses. He just doesn't say anything to her. I have cut all means of her contacting me off. My husband does not contact her husband, so she doesn't need to contact me. I do not fight with her b/c I show her respect because I will not have that come back at me, and I love my SD. I just can't take it. She thinks I will unblock her when my SD is with us, but I won't. I pay for my SD's phone so her BM can call it if she needs her just like we do. She can call my husband. She burnt that bridge. Weeks will go by without a call back or text back when my husband tries to get in touch with her. So why does she feel so special? I have been the kindest person, but I cannot take it anymore. So now that my husband will not defend me to her, the sound of his voice makes me so mad. I do not want to be in the same room with him. We do not share rooms. When I call him to try to be nice, something smartass comes out. I just don't want to be around him. I know he didn't cheat on me physically, but emotionally I feel that way. He says I am overreacting. But this is important to me. I just don't know what to do.
autumngrey's Avatar autumngrey
09:48 PM Liked: 939
#2 of 10
04-26-2013 | Posts: 334
Joined: Sep 2010

Why should he "defend" you to her? Interacting with her about anything except the immediate day-to-day needs of their shared child is unnecessary except in cases where co-parents are able to be friendly. I assume they're not able to be friendly so, frankly, it's best to say nothing at all outside the necessities. Their arguing over you helps no one.

 

 

You're basically making your DH choose whether to argue with her or argue with you. I know my DH would far rather argue with me than his ex--they're not together for a reason and he doesn't want to deal with her at all in the best of circumstances, much less bad ones.


Mummoth's Avatar Mummoth
10:31 PM Liked: 754
#3 of 10
04-26-2013 | Posts: 3,468
Joined: Oct 2003

Hmmm, he won't need to defend you now that you and her aren't interacting directly. If the bio mom is going on about you, he could just refuse to engage in any conversation about you at all, right? "Call me when you're ready to discuss SD. Goodbye." Don't go back to talking to her directly, there is no need.

 

I'm the biomom, and I don't have any interaction with my ex's girlfriend at all, it's best that way. I like that she doesn't get to have a voice in decisions about the kids.


WorkingMom30's Avatar WorkingMom30 (TS)
12:38 AM Liked: 0
#4 of 10
04-27-2013 | Posts: 59
Joined: Mar 2012
Quote:
Originally Posted by autumngrey View Post

Why should he "defend" you to her? Interacting with her about anything except the immediate day-to-day needs of their shared child is unnecessary except in cases where co-parents are able to be friendly. I assume they're not able to be friendly so, frankly, it's best to say nothing at all outside the necessities. Their arguing over you helps no one.

I don't talk to this woman for a reason. She just starts texting me and cussing me telling me all kinds if really bad things. I'm not trying to go into specifics, but it's really bad. For instance. My husband and I were sitting each if TV in a Sunday night, we both work the next morning. It's 11:30 our time and 3 hrs later her time and she has a novel come through telling me off about something that is really none of her business. What I do in my life with my children throughout the year is no ones concern. I work so I can do what I want with my kids. I'm just saying I tell her I was taught if I can't say anything nice not to say anything at all. Well that starts a huge other agreement. So in the end it comes out that her life is a mess. Well, I told her I can't help her with that. I have tried in the past, but I'm the one that gets a cussing when I can't help anymore.

You're basically making your DH choose whether to argue with her or argue with you. I know my DH would far rather argue with me than his ex--they're not together for a reason and he doesn't want to deal with her at all in the best of circumstances, much less bad ones.

Yeah, regardless, I am his wife. He should not allow this woman the talk to me that way when I don't even speak to her.

WorkingMom30's Avatar WorkingMom30 (TS)
12:54 AM Liked: 0
#5 of 10
04-27-2013 | Posts: 59
Joined: Mar 2012
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mummoth View Post

Hmmm, he won't need to defend you now that you and her aren't interacting directly.
Well when all this went down he should have stood up for me to her. He shouldn't let her control him. He is so worried, but why? This all stemmed after we for her awesome bday present. He spoke with her about it first and all was well till it was delivered. Then she for mad. She will never admit it.
The big problem is she keeps telling him that I need to unblock her that I'm being ridiculous. I do not see why I am. She doesn't do anything but start stuff with me. My husband never calls her husband so she should never call me.

If the bio mom is going on about you, he could just refuse to engage in any conversation about you at all, right? "Call me when you're ready to discuss SD. Goodbye. i only wish he would. He doesn't say anything. He haut tells her that he can see both of our points of views. That is ridiculous. I would never ever let anyone talk to my family the way he lets her talk to me. I'm not unblocking her from my cell. There is not a reason. ." Don't go back to talking to her directly, there is no need. i completely agree but she is insisting on if her daughter is with us there is a need. I pay for my stepdaughters cell bill so she can call her directly just like I do.

I'm the biomom, and I don't have any interaction with my ex's girlfriend at all, it's best that way. I like that she doesn't get to have a voice in decisions about the kids.
. I can see where you feel that way. I would too about mine kids. But I'm telling you it's a very different situation and my SD doesn't even live with her mom physically. She stays next door at her grandparents cause she shares her room with 3 sisters. The BM doesn't know if she goes to school or not bc the grandpa takes her. She has missed over 60 days of school but since they were excused the school does nothing. But all her mom had to do is write a note. I wish I could just turn the other way but she's been in my life since she was born, but I'm not the other woman. She is. Anyways. It's a sticky situation but I just want my SD to have the best life possible, and I do not disrespect this woman and cannot stand that he allows this just bc she is the mother to one of his children. So what am I?
I just wish I understood.

WorkingMom30's Avatar WorkingMom30 (TS)
01:05 AM Liked: 0
#6 of 10
04-27-2013 | Posts: 59
Joined: Mar 2012
But let me add this is the same bday present I for my children last year and my SD wanted the same. So I told her I would try. Well, of course is do whatever I can to treat all my girls the same. Anyways. My husband says there is always going to be a problem with her mother and me. He says that she will poke at me bc she knows she can. My question is since they are such "best friends", not really but every conversation is atleast 1 hour long and I just stay away. He just says that she will always have an excuse and to ignore her. But seriously? Why doesn't he just tell her to never speak to me again. If she wants her daughter call him or her phone that i pay for. She doesn't need to call me.
WorkingMom30's Avatar WorkingMom30 (TS)
01:27 AM Liked: 0
#7 of 10
04-27-2013 | Posts: 59
Joined: Mar 2012
Don't get me wrong by no means, I do appreciate your responses. This is such a touchy subject and it's ripping my marriage Apart. I wish I could not care. I wish I could call her his daughter, but I can't. Like today I was out shopping for all the kids shoes. I found some in sale and text my SD if she could wear them. She said no she was like 3 sizes bigger than my shoes now. I responded that wow we couldn't share at all anymore. She was so upset. She was thinking talk to each other. I had to explain share shoes anymore. We have such a close relationship. We always have. But I am the disciplinary one. Her daddy will let her get away with murder. I am a parent first and a friend second, so it's not like I'm all buddy buddy. We just talk a lot. Not a big deal.
If I divorced my husband now I would still her for summer vacations. You do not divorce the kids. She wants me to pick her up from the airport and take her to whatever places. Now she does want family time, but she is ready for girl time too.
I don't know. My husband says in overreacting. Maybe I am. But the point is, I feel crushed. My kids see me crying and not knowing how to deal with all of this and I can't tell them. I can't tell anyone. My friends are obviously telling me that I'm not wrong for all these feelings. But this is my life. This is my marriage. And I feel like it's crumbling beneath me.
mtiger's Avatar mtiger
05:03 AM Liked: 438
#8 of 10
04-27-2013 | Posts: 2,309
Joined: Sep 2006

Well... why do you even know what she says to your husband? Since you have her blocked, it's coming from him. I'd tell him that you do not care to kow what she has to say, so to stop sharing with you. I'd also really suggest that the two of you consider couples counseling to learn how to communicate more effectively. 

 

And... if the two of you DO divorce? It is entirely possible that you will NOT get the child over the summer. Or for any visitation. Regardless how long you've been in her life, she is not your daughter. 


WorkingMom30's Avatar WorkingMom30 (TS)
09:19 AM Liked: 0
#9 of 10
04-27-2013 | Posts: 59
Joined: Mar 2012
What I stated was the BM texts me. I just recently blocked her.

As far as my SD and summer. That was just a statement. It's nothing that would be legal. Se is a preteen, and so know she's come and stay for a week or two. I know she isn't mine, but that was just stating how we feel with each other.

Couples therapy has been a thought. But it's one of those things he doesn't do. So in just lost
grisandole's Avatar grisandole
06:07 PM Liked: 2882
#10 of 10
04-27-2013 | Posts: 5,060
Joined: Jan 2002

I can see where you are coming from; that he won't back you up, and a simple "I don't want to discuss this" with her would be backing you up. There is no real reason for her to "have" to speak to you, and rather than dropping it, she is asking your dh to ask you to unblock her. Do I have that right? He could easily take himself out of it by refusing to discuss it, or by actively backing you up; instead, he is doing nothing. Unfortunately, men who defer to their exes is somewhat common, and it drives the current wives crazy (I can relate). They can hate their exes all they want, but can still have a hard time having a backbone with them. It's infuriating. You are not alone, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. I'm sure you realize that. Counseling will help if you can get him there.
 


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