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-   -   maybe its not possible to blend our families...i am completely losing my mind (http://www.mothering.com/forum/333-blended-step-family-parenting/1382760-maybe-its-not-possible-blend-our-families-i-am-completely-losing-my-mind.html)

shenny07 05-03-2013 12:17 PM

I will try not to ramble but i am completely exasperated!

My husband and I have been married for seven years and have know each other for ever so our kids have known each other for life too. We have six kids he came to the relationship with three and me with one. We now how two together. Ages range from almost 16 to 9 weeks.

Things have been ok over the years normal ups and downs but ok and at least manageable but lately things are awful.

We have recently went thru a huge amount of change sweet a transition period was expected but I am out and out miserable.

In March we moved. I had the newest addition to our family my ds13 came back home full time and dss15 moved in full time. So in a matter of days I went from a working mom with 1 full time child dd3 to stay at home mom of four.

We can not seem to find a happy medium for everyone. I am so unhappy. Ds13 is a straight A student and athlete but is Adhd and when he is rebounding off his meds at night is ridiculous and out of control worse then the toddler. dss15 is socially awkward and has behavioral.issues and been expelled from school.and his mom won't take him anymore which is why he is here he is sweet and polite but can't stay out of trouble and he is a bully not mean on purpose but he is a rough housing and mouthy to other son. My three year old is getting no attention because of all the older boys issues and now she is acting up and hitting and even peeing herself.

Every day its constant bickering and hollering I have pulled out every reward system and parenting goodness I can imagine now I am just angry and fed up. God help me I don't know how much more I can take and I have no idea what to do. No one is happy and its killing me.

I am sorry I am.not sure I even no where this post was going and i don't even have time to finish it have to go referee again. please pray for my family thanks for listening

oscarsmom70 05-03-2013 03:09 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now - I am the step-mom to 2 DSS's and even without the addition of extra children, they can be a handful.  Are you familiar with Ron Deal's book, The Smart Stepmom?  It has been a life-saver!  You may be able to pick it up at the local library.  Praying for you and your family!!!


shenny07 05-03-2013 09:08 PM

Thank you for the reply I will look into the book. I am so torn and feel like a failure. I am trying so hard to keep a balance and no one is happy. I am trying to be fair and equal but do know how anymore. Lately I feel like there are no happy moments. Where did my family go??


grisandole 05-04-2013 04:19 PM

Your family has gone through a HUGE change, I would be surprised if everything was going smoothly! It is normal for there to be chaos and behaviour issues with this type of transition, an of course you feel frustrated! It will take a while for everyone to adjust, what is important is routine, consistency, and communication. Is your partner able to help? Do you both agree on house rules and how to implement them (such as no rough-housing, name calling, bullying, etc) and enforce them? I would have a clear list of what is expected from the 13 and 15 yo's, communicate it with them and then keep on it. If possible, get to a good marriage and family therapist asap to help you handle it, and help the kids adjust. Hang in there!!!

 


shenny07 05-04-2013 07:19 PM

My husband is amazing and super supportive but works a lot so most of it falls on my shoulders. Last Sunday after church I typed up individualized list of each of their expectations and had them sign it very simple stuff and I did them separate because they are different kids with different personalities different needs. But one huge issue we have is DSS15 is extremely jealous of DS13 so complains to God and everyone that he is treated unfairly which makes me crazy because I have made myself nuts trying to keep things even and fair even when one of them has not earned the same privileges. By nature I am super passive extremely non confrontational and maybe even a little co dependent to all of this turmoil is driving me insane. My husband stands beside all my choices but occasionally throws in the that's how boys act defense. Which makes me want to scream. I am not sure if he hears and sees all of the snarky nasty niceness as much as I do. Men tend to tune things out a little more. I have always loved dss 15 and have given a little more attention to him because I don't feel like he was dealt a fair hand but lately I am resentful and I hate that I feel that way toward him but I can take a lot of behavioral issue but out and out meanness is tough for me to swallow. And my poor sweet newborn is getting nearly the attention he deserves his first few weeks of life i nurse him and put him down to stop an argument all this yelling around him i am so bothered by it. DD3 is caught up in trying to find her place with the new baby and trying to get the older boys attention because please adores them and she is getting the least amount of attention and the most discipline. Its all so sad and over whelming. Today my husband and I started a catch em being good campaign trying to promote positive attitudes and less standard discipline but its still in shambles. I am embarrassed to admit I am so thankful its peaceful tonight cause DS 13 went to stay with a friend and DSP15 is mad he is stuck being home and board so he has stayed in his room. Its terrible but I am glad for an evening to clear my head. Thought I cringe because I am sure he is calling and testing to tell people we let DS go out without him but what are supposed to do punish one because the other has a hard time making friends? Sigh i am rambling again but i am way out of my comfort zone and so broken heated and worried. again thanks for listening.

shenny07 05-04-2013 07:45 PM

That probably came off wrong. I absolutely love my step son and do not think he is the root of all problems nor are my other kids by any means problem free. Its just they are different problems its the sneaky meanness that is killing. Its that the three year old gets knocked down five times a night because he is ripping something out of the thirteen year olds hand and doesn't stop to say excuse me or ask if she is ok. He is six foot three and weighs 275 she is 22pounds thirteen year old weighs 90.

Its really hard on him i am sure he has never had and discipline or structure in his life. He has never ever been held accountable for his own actions and has almost be trained to blame everyone else for his problems. And i feet bad for that. He is in alien territory. But its still hard to watch.

PrimordialMind 05-04-2013 08:02 PM

I recommend counseling for the 15-year-old. It sounds like there's probably some trauma that is causing the social anxiety, jealousy, anger issues, and whatever else. He needs a way to channel all that energy and it sounds like the easy way for him is to take it out on his brother. Thats not right and its hurting everyone in the process. I understand what its like to want to keep the peace but you need to be more proactive. You have two little ones that desperately need your love and attention so constantly trying to break up fights is taking your precious attention and time away from them. You can only do so much, let others help too. His school might offer free counseling or if he has insurance you can find one through that.

shenny07 05-04-2013 08:32 PM

Thanks i hadn't even really thought about counseling for him which makes so much sense. I was thinking about it for myself but for him never came on the radar.

But now that I think about it, it worries me a little bit because there was an incident three years ago when he was mad at his grandmother so told his then counselor she was abusing him. Which was a ridiculous accusation but was reported and was a huge mess. Then when he realized what a big deal it was he re canted his story and said he dreamt it. A year or two later he admitted that he did it because she didn't give him the laptop she had bought him for Christmas because there was a huge fight Christmas day when she hid it and pretended she didn't buy it and he threw a fit a ruined dinner so she took it back.

Man our family sounds so screwed up


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