You'll have to look into custody because, of course, you don't want to leave your babies with him alone, especially if the youngest is still nursing. If you can work out an arrangement where you can keep the children full time, leave this abusive man.
For now, while you're working it out, don't feel bad about taking your daughter's side in an argument! She is your little girl and she needs you to stand up for her; that is what mammas are for. If you hear more yelling, you say, "This ends now. No one talks to my daughter like this, ever again." It doesn't matter if she's been yelling too. She is the child, and he is the adult, and he should be able to control himself and act rationally.
In north America if you called your kid a ratbag you would basically be calling them the dirt of the earth hence why people are probably getting a bit defensive about it. I hope you have figured out a solution to the problems between you and your daughter and husband. blending a family can be extremely difficult. It takes a lot of hard work sometimes. And in your situation specifically I would try counselling of you, him and your daughter together and you and him separately before making a final decision to walk away.
Good point. Unless he rents a home that is big enough for all the kids i highly doubt he'll get visitation rights. Even if he somehow manages to do that, he will need to get treatment for his alcoholism in order to keep a job. In that case, he'll be in a much better place which makes taking care of kids a lot easier. Theres also a good possibility he wont want to take care of the kids since he already does so little. I dont think that should be a deterrent, the OP should follow her heart and do what she feels is best.
I don't necessarily condone staying in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship with a man who's contributing nothing positive, even financially - if that is indeed the OP's situation and not just an exaggerated vent, on a day she was feeling especially negative and hopeless (she had given birth, just 3 months before posting). But Escaping's point is still well-taken: before leaving her husband, a mother should consider what her children's circumstances will be, during visitation with their father, without her around.
One can not assume that simply because something's true - or because a reasonable person thinks something would be best for a child - that visitation orders will be crafted around it! Parents have a right to access to their children and it's intentionally difficult to limit or deny that right.
* Irresponsible, abusive or alcoholic parents rarely see themselves that way, much less acknowledge to a judge that's how they are.
* There are hair and nail tests to show patterns of alcohol usage - but they're not 100% reliable and are still easy for an attorney to have thrown out of court.
* Kids may know what's going on, but it's rotten to make them testify against a parent; and pushing for that can make you look like an alienator.
* A parent who feels he's being accused or criticized in court is likely to hurl accusations and criticisms at the other parent - valid or not - making it hard for the judge to know the truth.
* Witnesses who could help a judge sort out the truth may seem to be in one parent's camp, or have an axe to grind, so the judge may not put much stock in their testimony.
* The most neutral and credible witnesses may be reluctant to testify, because they don't want to be caught in the middle. And written statements (from people you can't get on the stand) are just useless hearsay.
* A judge can solicit a custody evaluator's recommendation, but isn't required to follow it.
My step-son's mother got sole custody, while living in a studio apartment with only one bed (he was 8), against the strongly-worded advice of a prominent, court-ordered custody evaluator. Later, my step-son came to live with us, but his mom still has always had visitation, despite continuing to provide inadequate space; having her boyfriend spend the night (pretty inappropriate, when my step-son was still sleeping in her bed...); leaving her kid at home alone while she worked; smoking indoors despite her kid having asthma; and reportedly abusing prescription drugs and alcohol, passing out every night and again leaving her kid unsupervised. Her boyfriend's statements of concern for my step-son's safety were irrelevant. He broke up with the mother, over this stuff, making him an ex-boyfriend who might have an axe to grind.
Messy break-ups can easily fail to get resolved in the way the "better parent" thinks they should. It's safest to operate under the assumption that your ex will have visitation, unless/until you actually effect something different.
|Parenting , Step Family|