New baby & 2 Step Kiddos - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 05-28-2013, 03:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone,

Hoping to get some advice or even an, everything will be ok! I have 2 step kids, a 6 year old SD & 8 year old SS. I also just gave birth to my first biological child about 3 weeks ago.
I love my step kiddos, but since DD has come along...and i feel horrible saying this...i feel like i dont want anything to do with the step kiddos. For some reason, I get annoyed easier & just feel like i would rather not be bothered with them. I feel very guilty about feeling this way, and im just hoping as DD gets a little older, it will change. Also doesnt help that their bio mom is a nasty nasty person & has been talking negatively about hubby & i having a baby, etc. (we follow a 2 week on/2 week off schedule)
i also know how important it is right now to make them feel involved & important because this is also a big transition for them.
Is this normal? Am i just extra focused on DD because she is so new? Any advice or has anyone felt this way?

Thank you so much for sharing any advice you have!
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#2 of 8 Old 05-30-2013, 09:25 PM
 
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Welcome.gifWelcome to Mothering and congratulations on your new baby! It looks like your question might have been missed, so I'm bumping it up. Anyone have experiences to share with this mama?
 


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#3 of 8 Old 06-02-2013, 10:56 AM
 
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It has passed for me but I felt similar feelings at times about my dd after my son was born. And they are both my biological children.

I think it is a hormonal thing to make us care for the one that needs is the most. Newborns are helpless and need us so much and older ones don't as much.

It did pass... I don't remember how soon after.

I also felt some times when I was so tired I just didn't have anything to give to non essential things. When I am more rested and happy that changes too.

I would try extra hard to take care of yourself and be easy on yourself. I think what you are feeling is quite natural.
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#4 of 8 Old 06-07-2013, 08:17 PM
 
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I don't have step kids, but I agree with the previous poster -- I felt the same way towards my son when my daughter was born, and they are both my biological children! He just seemed so big and loud and clumsy and just pretty much drove me nuts. I think it's just a hard-wired instinct -- you want to bond with and protect this helpless baby and you feel fierce towards anyone who gets in the way of that.

The feeling passed once the baby got a bit older (maybe even around the 1-month mark), when she wasn't SO tiny and fragile anymore, and my hormones had calmed down a bit, and I realized that my DS wasn't going to break her, and that if she was tired she would nap even while he was being a little noisy, and all of that.

Good luck! Congrats on your little one, and welcome to MDC! smile.gif

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#5 of 8 Old 07-26-2013, 05:36 PM
 
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So I am in the opposite position. I have two children with another man and one with my current partner. If I ever thought that he felt that way, I would be really hurt. I think I am sensitive about this actually, and deeply hope that he really truly wants them around. 


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#6 of 8 Old 07-26-2013, 05:38 PM
 
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So I conclude with this. Try to feel differently. Try to love them as extensions to your partner. They are a deep rooted part of him. It is ok to need your space, but your partner and your children need you to love them up. 


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#7 of 8 Old 08-02-2013, 09:50 AM
 
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I think it is a normal part of having a newborn, like others said. Biology gives you that time when you live in a little bubble with the baby and nothing else seems to matter quite as much. It helped me to have some specific activities to do with my step-daughter while my husband took care of the baby. It also helped to talk to my husband about taking over most of the "big kid" stuff for the first 6 weeks or so. 

I also think there are SO many times in being a step-mom that we second-guess ourselves, especially when it comes to worrying that we feel differently about our bio vs step kids, or worrying that we treat them differently. I have 4 kids, 3 of them biological and 1 a step-daughter. I can say for certain that I treat all of them differently and I don't feel the same way about all them. That's not to say I don't love them all totally and completely, but I have a special bond with each of them because they are each their own person and we have different relationships. There are things about each of my kids that I love and things about all of them that drive me a little nuts. But I don't spend nearly as much time worrying that there is some deeper awfulness about my biological daughter driving me nuts as I do about seeing my step-daughter's crazy-making quirks.

 

I think with our own biological kids who live with us full-time, there is this sense that I know 100% of their life and personality, and with my step-daughter there is this whole part of their life that I don't know and can't see, and we're sort of in the dark about how that part of her life may be influencing her. I can "read" her as well as I can read the other kids, but it's like looking at a puzzle with some of the pieces missing... so it's always a little harder work and a little less comfortable... I always feel like I'm working with less information than I need to do the best job I can.

 

So, give yourself a little bit of a break. The fact that you are worried about it is a good sign, and a good starting place to try to find some ways to address it. Step-mothering is the hardest thing I've ever done and most of us are making it up as we go. I usually figure that, even at my worst, I'm doing better than a lot of people might in the same situation.


Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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#8 of 8 Old 08-02-2013, 08:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for the words ladies! LO is now 3 months old & i feel so much differently. Looking back, I definitely had some of the baby blues going on. Im proudly now a Sahm for all 3 & am loving it! My step kiddos are amazingly helpful & i feel blessed. Aricha - you nailed it on the head! We're also in a hostile ex situation which makes it a bit more challenging, but we know if we lead by example & do the best we can, it will all work out! Thank you again ladies : )
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