Blending the family of a deceased spouse - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 09-19-2013, 03:36 AM - Thread Starter
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Just wanted to bring up a very difficult subject today.  Occasionally, like in our family, small children are the victims of a deceased parent.  Our sister passed away leaving a 2 year old and 6 year old little girl.  Since their father has remarried our relationship with the girls is limited at best.  IF any of you are in that similar situation, I would love to know how your family is handling it.  My ex brother-in-laws new wife is so insecure and jealous of my sister she does not want any of us to have a relationship with the girls.  Very sad and like losing my sister all over again.

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#2 of 5 Old 09-20-2013, 09:46 AM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. How hard. I have no personal experience when it comes to small children, but my sister died last October and left behind 3 girls who are older. Two are older teens, and I can keep in touch with them no problem, but my BIL is keeping the youngest away from me. I have to trust that time will help heal the rift, and that his heart will soften and start to let in some of the people he's shut out.
In your case, I think I'd appeal to your ex BIL.
Also, if they end up having children of their own, perhaps the new wife will soften and accept your involvement, as being helpful if nothing else.
Take care.

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#3 of 5 Old 09-20-2013, 03:49 PM
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Wow. That is extremely hard! All I can say is that she is being very selfish and that I'd talk to the ex brother in law about what your sister would've wanted and how this may affect his girls and tell him that you want to visit more often. My son's father died, but he still goes down  (they're about 3 hrs away) once a month to visit that side of his family and he will continue to do so as long as he wants to. I think that's only fair to my son and that side of his family. His father and I were barely together after he was born, but I still think that its important that he know that side of his family. I hope that your ex BIL finds that important also. 

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#4 of 5 Old 09-23-2013, 09:28 AM
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I'm on the other end of it- my fiance's Wife (and Mother to his three children) died 3 1/2 years ago.  Sometimes it's hard, because the deceased one tends to get promoted to sainthood upon death, or feeling like an outsider, like you shouldn't be there because it would offend the deceased one's family, but denying the children their Mother's side of the family?  Never occurred to me.


Me, my children, my family, my fiance, his children, his family, his Wife's family, we don't have any problems with each other.  My fiance's Mother-in-Law and I are good friends, my younger son (not my fiance's son), calls her Granny and she refers to both my sons as two of her grandchildren and last Thanksgiving, me, my fiance and all our children went to my fiance's Mother-in-Law's house for Thanksgiving.  The year before, we went for Christmas.  I get that I'm probably talking more the exception than the rule, but to completely deny the children their deceased parent's side of the family?  That's so sad.  And so wrong on wrong on so many levels.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#5 of 5 Old 09-23-2013, 06:55 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you all for your replies.  It is very hard for everyone involved in this type of situation.  Our family has made MANY efforts to make my former brother-in-law's wife feel like part of our family with no results.  This has been especially hard on my mother who moved in with my sister's family for almost a year to help out. (My sister had colon cancer and underwent chemo).  To be shut out of her grand children's lives has been devastating.   Kudos to you kblackstone, for recognizing the importance of the deceased person's family.  It takes a strong person to overcome the issues (I truly understand about the sainthood thing, we have had to remind ourselves that my sister had her faults and we ARE the family)  Good luck to you and your family.

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