Jealous of the ex. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 4 Old 10-05-2013, 03:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Does anyone else ever feel jealousy of the ex wife? I am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend and he has two kids, I have one and we live together. He and his ex wife are usually on good terms. I just have always had this jealousy thing when it comes to her. I can't help it. I want kids with him and it just isn't the right time, financially, emotionally and spatially, for us. I also want to marry him (and he I,) but that hasn't come yet either. I feel that it will soon, but I am old fashioned and am definitely not going to propose to him or anything. I know he loves me and he has told me on more than one occasion that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and I don't worry about anything as far as he and his ex having feelings or anything of that sort for each other. It's just really, really hard for me to not feel jealous when she was married to him and has two children with him and she didn't appreciate him (nor did he her, of course) because they just were very, very wrong for each other. And I am here, the love of his life, and I am not either the mother of his child or his wife. It's extremely frustrating and hard. And, I still don't think that when we're married and do have a child together, that that jealousy will completely go away. I guess I'm just wanting advice or support to help me through feeling this way. 

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#2 of 4 Old 10-05-2013, 07:26 PM
 
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I am a 21 year old engaged to a 39 year old with 2 daughters. He has had his share of serious relationships and of course still has a relationship with his ex because of the girls. I have never had a relationship before. Can you say potential for jealousy?!?! I never expected to marry someone who had kids, or had lived with someone (I am conservative and sort of expected someone who had grown up equally so, and with the same values), or proposed three times (three freaking times) in the past. I share him with his daughters, and his ex, and give up things because of the nature of a step family. We can't even have a proper proposal or even an inexpensive engagment ring for a while because child support payments come first.

I believe the nature of having a relationship with a man with kids is you have to except that you will never be the only important person in his life. You will not always come first, and you have to give up a lot of special things. BUT - I can't imagine ever finding anyone I would be so happy with. He loves me very, very much and I love him. Sometimes I am jealous. Sometimes I am sad. Sometimes I wonder if it is too hard and I should walk away. And then I realize that no. I want this. I want him, and I want a life together, even if it is completely imperfect and hard and not at all what I pictured.

So perhaps what you need to do is decide if you are willing to battle the demons of negative emotions that will come up. Talk to your guy, make sure he knows your struggles, so that you can tackle the demons together. Be gentle with yourself and realize that what you are doing is hard, and that sometimes you will feel things you don't want to. As long as you can recognize them, and then set them aside and choose to move on, they will eventually fade. Mine have. And when they come back I set them aside all over again. But the weaken if you do not feed into them.

I hope that you can find some peace. And do take comfort in the fact that you are the love of his life. So regardless of the legalities, his first marriage was not the deep and true relationship that you two share. And while I totally get not wanting to propose to him (I wouldn't either!) I do think you should consider expressing your frustration and discouragement and make sure he knows that it is important to you. He may have no idea the emotional meaning it will hold for you!
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#3 of 4 Old 10-05-2013, 08:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for that. I don't feel quite as alone. It's hard because he doesn't ever have to feel this with me in regards to my son because his father recently passed away and we weren't exactly on good terms anyway and he only ever saw my son once a month. I'm sure it's hard for you as you don't have any kids as it is (right, that's what I've inferred, anyway?)

I never, ever doubt that he is the love of my life and I will never find anyone that could possibly more perfect for me. I would never have allowed my child to be involved with him and I would never have wanted to move in and be so incredibly involved in his kids lives if I wasn't so sure about him. I also wouldn't have even stayed with him if I knew it wasn't so, so worth it to be with him, regardless of him having an ex wife. It's just really, really hard sometimes because of the jealousy and just structure that comes with having a blended family... Such as switching days (for kids) with the ex last minute, kids soccer practices and finagling drop off times, etc, etc. 

I have expressed my need for marriage and kids. He knows that they are important to me and they're important to him as well. We both are just very financially conscious and of course, child support payments come before that all as well. We're focusing on our day-to-day life and getting financially in a good place do be able to do all of the things we want. As it is, we are 5 people in a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom house. It's pretty cramped and crazy and I cannot imagine adding another child into the mix. I also can't imagine trying to plan a wedding right now with all of the insanity that seems to go on. I'm probably just anxious for all of it to happen, but I know all in good time. 

I do need to make sure to recognize that what I'm feeling, while valid, isn't based on anything other than fluff comparatively to what we have. I try to do that but sometimes it gets the best of me and I think that'll help to just continuously remind myself of that. Anyway, thanks so much! I truly appreciate your response. :) 

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#4 of 4 Old 10-06-2013, 10:51 AM
 
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No problem, it is hard and somedays it just plain sucks. But when you have a good guy, it's worth it. Hang in there! Having a blended family is far from easy... but the rewards are great smile.gif Feel free to message me anytime you need a pep talk. I try not to throw my tantrums at my guy, so family, friends, and forums are a life saver for getting it out of my system lol!
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