Ex bouncing in and out of sons life - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 12-05-2013, 04:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Without getting into too much detail because it's a long story..basically my ex has not been involved in our sons life the past 6 months. He has not paid in the past 6 months. And he has not called in over a year despite being court ordered. Times like this really make me appreciate that my husband is the only stable man in my sons life

 

I have done everything in my power to encourage a relationship. Every attempt I have made has been 100 percent ignored. I have sent emails and texts. (I would call but he has a history of flipping my words around and I just don't trust the dude) I have reminded him over and over he is more then welcome to call any time. The only message I have received from him the past 6 months is a lousy message saying "I know I haven't been involved or called but my mom and I are fighting and I am afraid of what you will do to me legally" Well...okay sucks for you but what the heck does that have to do with our son. Why is he the one suffering? My most recent attempt after this BS message is I even invited my ex over twice to my moms house for Thanksgiving to see our son...he did not show. He did not even call to tell our son Happy Thanksgiving. 

 

I make it very easy for him to see his son. So each weekend we have a half way point for visitation. Bio dad has not made that half way point drive since May or so. (We live 2 hours away from each other) and I actually meet with my ex's mom. Despite bio dad refusing to be involved I meet with her for visitation because my son just loves his nana and he looks forward to those visits and it used to be that bio dad would just meet our son at his moms house. Now bio dad hasn't driven to his moms house to go see him due to whatever problem he has and our son never goes to his place because apparently it isn't kid friendly and our son wouldn't have a decent place to sleep. But all of this isn't an excuse to just not be involved or exercise your parenting rights. Not only do I tell him when exactly our son will be at his moms but his mom calls him too.

 

So..any tips?? I understand I cannot make him be involved but is there anything I can do legally?


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#2 of 7 Old 12-05-2013, 09:50 AM
 
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If you think it would be good for your son to have him around, then I'd suggest signing up for whatever child support enforcement agency they have in your area. Some men will get more involved in their kids lives when they're being forced to pay up... they seem to view it sort of like a gym membership or something... if you're paying for it you need to use it so you get your money's worth. The question is, do you *really* want that for your kid? It's sad for them when their dad dumps them, but if that's honestly who the dad is, the child will figure it out eventually. Whatever is going to be the most consistent in the long term, it's probably your best bet to support that. The only thing I see that you might not have tried, if you're open to it, you could suggest that he take your son on an outing for a few hours since his house isn't kid friendly. Is there anything interesting in the town where you meet up, besides his grandma? 

 

For my kids, it was easier when their birth dad was 100% absent... they see him once a month now (off and on, he skipped several months this year) and it is so confusing for them to have him claim to love them soooOOOooo much and then get dumped again. Legally, there's not much you can do. My ex is court ordered to email/skype his children weekly, but he doesn't follow through. Whenever I bring that up in court, he just gets scolded by the judge and then things go right back to the usual. If a person is incapable of sustaining relationship a piece of paper isn't going to have ay affect.


~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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#3 of 7 Old 12-05-2013, 06:53 PM
 
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Honestly, I'd stop wrecking your weekends that way. Tell Nana she is welcome in your home and mean it, but stop dragging your kid out of the house like that. Let his "father" meet the legal criteria for abandonment in your jurisdiction and get his rights terminated so his real father (your husband) can adopt him. What if you died? Your husband needs to have the right to keep his son if biodad is this much of a nonentity.
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#4 of 7 Old 12-05-2013, 07:44 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

Honestly, I'd stop wrecking your weekends that way. Tell Nana she is welcome in your home and mean it, but stop dragging your kid out of the house like that. Let his "father" meet the legal criteria for abandonment in your jurisdiction and get his rights terminated so his real father (your husband) can adopt him. What if you died? Your husband needs to have the right to keep his son if biodad is this much of a nonentity.

 

AMEN!!!!


I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#5 of 7 Old 12-06-2013, 04:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

Honestly, I'd stop wrecking your weekends that way. Tell Nana she is welcome in your home and mean it, but stop dragging your kid out of the house like that. Let his "father" meet the legal criteria for abandonment in your jurisdiction and get his rights terminated so his real father (your husband) can adopt him. What if you died? Your husband needs to have the right to keep his son if biodad is this much of a nonentity.

I am with you on the abandonment thing and was doing some research....but of course after I posted on here he took the time to contact me and apparently has a check paid in full plus some until May and will be at his moms tomorrow to see our son. I am calling bs but we will see. 


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#6 of 7 Old 12-06-2013, 04:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Mummoth View Post
 

If you think it would be good for your son to have him around, then I'd suggest signing up for whatever child support enforcement agency they have in your area. Some men will get more involved in their kids lives when they're being forced to pay up... they seem to view it sort of like a gym membership or something... if you're paying for it you need to use it so you get your money's worth. The question is, do you *really* want that for your kid? It's sad for them when their dad dumps them, but if that's honestly who the dad is, the child will figure it out eventually. Whatever is going to be the most consistent in the long term, it's probably your best bet to support that. The only thing I see that you might not have tried, if you're open to it, you could suggest that he take your son on an outing for a few hours since his house isn't kid friendly. Is there anything interesting in the town where you meet up, besides his grandma? 

 

For my kids, it was easier when their birth dad was 100% absent... they see him once a month now (off and on, he skipped several months this year) and it is so confusing for them to have him claim to love them soooOOOooo much and then get dumped again. Legally, there's not much you can do. My ex is court ordered to email/skype his children weekly, but he doesn't follow through. Whenever I bring that up in court, he just gets scolded by the judge and then things go right back to the usual. If a person is incapable of sustaining relationship a piece of paper isn't going to have ay affect.

I honestly don't think it's the best and I don't want him involved anymore....but according to the courts I have to leave a paper trail about showing that I am trying to keep a relationship going. He has come and gone before but for shorter amounts of time and the courts seem to not care at all. If it were up to me then adoption would be the way but he is one of those power hungry people. Any teeny bit of power he has he will use even if he didn't try before.


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#7 of 7 Old 12-06-2013, 08:57 AM
 
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Oh, you're in the same boat as me, then. Unfortunately, at least where I am, the laws are pretty different from what actually happens in a court room. The court just makes it easier and easier for the slack-ass parent. They try and force it to work any way they can, it doesn't matter how much effort you've put in they will always expect you to accomodate the father more.


~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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