My boyfriend's daughters are violent - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 13 Old 12-27-2013, 11:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
Barefoot~Baker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 737
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I've been with him for a year now.  We don't live together yet but see each other twice a week with all of the kids together.  He has 2 daughters ages 7 and 4.  I have 4 children, ages 10, 8, 4, and 2.

 

My children are generally well-behaved.  They are not perfect, they do misbehave sometimes but nothing problematic and they are extremely well behaved when in other people's houses.

 

My boyfriend's children are destructive and violet with potty mouths and bad attitudes.  Because I love him and we are in a long-term relationship with hopes of living together or marrying someday I have accepted them and loved them.  I thought that the behavior would change, but it hasn't and we've been together over a year.

 

This behavior has been there since the beginning and I don't know how to change it.  I am afraid for my children.  On Christmas Eve we were at a party with their family and his daughter hit my 10 year old, then pushed her onto the floor and kicked her in the face.  It was horrible and traumatic for my 8 year old who saw it happen and was in tears.  I was livid and heart broken for my daughter, and took them home immediately.  

 

His 4 year old is no better.  She has pushed, pinched, bitten and hit my kids numerous times.  She and her sister destroy my children's toys from time to time.

 

I have approached my boyfriend with my concerns about their behavior but he became immediately defensive and criticized my children.  I pointed out that my children may not be perfect but they are not violent and don't destroy other people's property. He calmed down and said he would work on it but didn't know how to change their behavior.  He obviously hasn't been disciplining them much, which he admits, and actually his ex has a huge problem with their behavior as I do and is trying to get me to urge him to do something about it (he is with them for most of the time).  

 

I just don't know what to do.  I MUST protect my children.  How can I do this and still have a relationship with him?  He is the sweetest man I have ever met.  He's shy and adorable, loving, honest, genuine...well I could go on because I love him to pieces but you get the idea.

 

Please help :'(


Single Mom with a BF  stillheart.gif  Mommy to 2 girlsphotosmile2.gif blahblah.gif & 2 boys jog.gifsuperhero.gif nocirc.gif

 wash.gif banghead.gif Using the Law of Attraction candle.gif om.gif Loving my Family  cat.gif 

Barefoot~Baker is offline  
#2 of 13 Old 12-27-2013, 11:56 AM
 
blended chaos's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 15
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I know how you are feeling because I we had this issue with SS10 and SS12.  Without going into too much detail because that would take forever... Skids were raised by mom to basically do whatever they wanted.  When we started doing 7 and 7 (DH was originally doing every other weekend) we dealt with horrible tantrums when the boys were not allowed to do whatever they wanted.  SS12 has become a decent child when he realized that DH wasn't going to be pushed around and what DH said was the rule. SS10 has ODD and is extremely violent and he doesn't even come over anymore because of his issues.

 

Bottom line is their dad has to step up and take control over the situation and make them realize that they are the children and he is the adult and what he says goes.  It took a while for my DH to step up in this role.  It's not an easy path and it will take months of hard work and standing your (and dad's) ground and not giving in to these children no matter what.  If you say no...it's no.  If they see you saying no but pester you enough so that you give in they know they have won and will continue in this disruptive behavior.  Dad needs to open his eyes and realize that the way they are behaving is not normal and is not acceptable.  If he isn't willing to see a problem, and take control of it and always defends them, I'm not sure there is much hope that they will change.  Dad has to take control and make the situation change.

blended chaos is offline  
#3 of 13 Old 12-27-2013, 12:51 PM
 
limabean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 9,597
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)
I agree that you must protect your kids. If their father isn't willing to do what it takes to stop the behavior, it would be very unfair to your children to move in together and subject them to that abuse full time.
kblackstone444 likes this.

DH+Me 1994 heartbeat.gif DS 2004 heartbeat.gif DD 2008 heartbeat.gif DDog 2014
limabean is offline  
#4 of 13 Old 12-28-2013, 06:44 AM
 
greenemami's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: PA
Posts: 1,762
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)

I would put off the idea of marrying or living together for now and limit the time the kids spend together to when you and your dp can supervise them very closely.  I agree that protecting your kids should come first- you can still date your dp when you can get a babysitter, or when the kids go to their dad's (if they do), but it doesn't sound healthy for the kids to be hanging together multiple times a week, particularly in situations where it is hard to keep an eye on all of them, like the party (that is not a criticism, by the way, I know it is legitimately hard to keep track of them all when you are at something like that!)

 

Be honest with your dp about why you are changing things-the way he reacts to that will say a lot about him and how he values the relationship.  I'm sure he loves his kids a lot and he will want to help them for their own sakes, not just yours.  Good luck mama. 

kblackstone444 likes this.

Single mama namaste.gif to dd dust.gifand ds fencing.gif, loving my dsd always reading.gif .
greenemami is online now  
#5 of 13 Old 12-28-2013, 08:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
Barefoot~Baker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 737
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thank you for your input!  It is so hard to find time to see each other.  His ex gets his kids on the weekends, and every weekend he works.  My ex doesn't take my kids. This is why we are always all together.  The only time we see each other is on school nights all together and then once a month he has a night or 2 free where they will go to their moms and we see each other then.  

 

I like the idea of close supervision....I'm just not sure how to go about it and actually have a relationship, even just a few minutes alone might not be possible any more. Well...it's what I have to do .  It makes me sad, though. 


Single Mom with a BF  stillheart.gif  Mommy to 2 girlsphotosmile2.gif blahblah.gif & 2 boys jog.gifsuperhero.gif nocirc.gif

 wash.gif banghead.gif Using the Law of Attraction candle.gif om.gif Loving my Family  cat.gif 

Barefoot~Baker is offline  
#6 of 13 Old 12-28-2013, 06:55 PM
 
sillysapling's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 651
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 24 Post(s)

It's really difficult- since you have 14-16 years before your kids aren't a big concern and can move out/whatever. It's good that you're putting your children first- but I know how painful that can be. Can you both afford (separate) baby sitters to arrange date nights?

 

 

Are they always like this (do they have problems in school, with friends, etc), or is it just with your children? How do they treat you? It's possible that they're acting out like this because they don't want to have to share their daddy-  especially not wiht 4 other kids. It can be difficult for kids to handle their parents dating a new person, I'm sure having that person come with 4 "stepsiblings" is even more difficult. If his children are usually good and have only started acting out with you in the picture- I would look into that as the problem. I don't know how to fix it, but I do think it can be fixed nad someone else might have more experience. Making sure your boyfriend is giving them a lot of one-on-one and special time would be a priority.

 

If they're always like this- it seems likely that there's an underlying problem. Depending on when the breakup between their mom and dad happened, and how bad it was, it could be related to that. (this might be why they're reacting so badly to your kids- if they feel like they've lost their mom, they may be terrified of losing dad, I'm just guessing) There also are developmental and mental problems that can cause kids to act out like this. Has he told you about anything like this going on with his girls? If he hasn't, I have no idea how you could broach this with him, it's a very difficult subject and you said that he already has a tendency to get defensive. If this is the case- then he really needs to find out what's going on so his girls can get the help they need, though.

 

 

 

I'm sure this is very difficult for your boyfriend as well, for everyone involved. It's very difficult and painful to love someone and not be able to be with them in the way you want. You're doing the right thing by putting your kids first, it would be horrible for all of you if they had to live with these children who are violent towards them- but I know it's not easy. I hope that your boyfriend is able to figure out how to handle these problems in his kids, and that eventually you all can spend time together as a family that's enjoyable rather than stressful, and that you may even be able to work towards moving in together and marrying.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Barefoot~Baker View Post
 

 

On Christmas Eve we were at a party with their family and his daughter hit my 10 year old, then pushed her onto the floor and kicked her in the face.  It was horrible and traumatic for my 8 year old who saw it happen and was in tears.  I was livid and heart broken for my daughter, and took them home immediately.  

What did he do after this? Did you see his reaction- and if not, have you spoken to him about it since? How he responds to something like this seems really important, at least to me. If he tries to play it down, that's a really big problem.


sillysapling is online now  
#7 of 13 Old 12-29-2013, 07:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
Barefoot~Baker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 737
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thank you.

 

I can afford a babysitter once a month. It's not much, but I can do that.

 

His girls were already behaving badly before we came into the picture.  They are violent towards each other.  The oldest tried to get the little one to drink a cup of her urine once and another time tried to put salt in her eyes.  They tantrum when they don't get their way and he gives in.

 

The girls *love* coming here.  The little one prefers me over her own mother.  The older one, despite her horrible behavior loves us very much and calls my kids her step-siblings.  They always want to come here, always want to spend time with us.

 

He has not mentioned any developmental or mental problems.  The 7yo is very nice to me, very affectionate.  The 4yo is stand offish with everyone and doesn't like to be touched, or even hugged unless it is on her terms.  She loves us too though, she is the one who prefers me to her own mother.

 

When this incident happened, the first person to step in after me was his mother, and she did try to down play it.  My boyfriend acted strangely...he was devastated I know that, and he was upset that I was leaving.  I got the kids bundled up at the door and said "i'll be right back" because I wanted to say good bye to him...or something to him because I hadn't spoken to him yet at all. I went up to him.  I did not know what to say at that point so I just wanted to give him a hug and a kiss and leave.  When I approached him he froze as if he didn't want me to touch him.  I got a little angry and said "oh, really? That's how it is? Ok..." and I quickly turned and walked away.  I heard him say "No, no.." but I did not turn back.

 

We have not discussed this since.  His girls are with their mother until after the new year right now so I knew I had some time.  I wanted to let Christmas go by before having this serious discussion which I know will be more difficult for him than it will be for me.

 

If he downplays it..I will call him on it, no doubt about it.  I will not be happy about it to say the least.  There was one time when he downplayed an incident when his 4yo pushed my 4yo son onto the floor. I was appalled and he apologized.

 

I am so glad you are all helping me out with this.  I have to put my kids first.  I do love him so much...but you are right...his responses will say a lot and I need to pay close attention.


Single Mom with a BF  stillheart.gif  Mommy to 2 girlsphotosmile2.gif blahblah.gif & 2 boys jog.gifsuperhero.gif nocirc.gif

 wash.gif banghead.gif Using the Law of Attraction candle.gif om.gif Loving my Family  cat.gif 

Barefoot~Baker is offline  
#8 of 13 Old 01-02-2014, 06:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
Barefoot~Baker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 737
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I just tried to talk to him about it and he became completely defensive, immature and nasty.  I have never seen him behave like this towards me before, never.  He said I was being "dramatic".  I reminded him that it was my daughter who almost got her teeth kicked out but I was willing to work on this but he didn't care.  He broke up with me.  I am so devastated :'(


Single Mom with a BF  stillheart.gif  Mommy to 2 girlsphotosmile2.gif blahblah.gif & 2 boys jog.gifsuperhero.gif nocirc.gif

 wash.gif banghead.gif Using the Law of Attraction candle.gif om.gif Loving my Family  cat.gif 

Barefoot~Baker is offline  
#9 of 13 Old 01-02-2014, 07:30 PM
 
LLQ1011's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,008
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know it is devastating but I was going to suggest you break up with him. You children should NEVER be kicked in the face and should not live in fear so you can have a bf that does not think his kids behavior is damaging.
sillysapling likes this.
LLQ1011 is offline  
#10 of 13 Old 01-02-2014, 07:31 PM
 
katelove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,820
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 17 Post(s)
I'm sorry you're upset, it sounds like a horrible situation. Honestly though, you are better off without this man. If this is how he behaves when you try to resolve serious issues then you are never going to have a stable, respectful relationship.

Mother of two spectacular girls, born mid-2010 and late 2012  mdcblog5.gif

katelove is online now  
#11 of 13 Old 01-02-2014, 07:44 PM
 
limabean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 9,597
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)
I'm sorry, I know break ups are painful. It sounds like he just isn't a good match for you. His reaction to your concerns was very telling. That's not the kids of person you and your kids need to be building a life with.

DH+Me 1994 heartbeat.gif DS 2004 heartbeat.gif DD 2008 heartbeat.gif DDog 2014
limabean is offline  
#12 of 13 Old 01-03-2014, 02:17 PM
 
Shakti77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 394
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Hugs mama, you and your kids sound like great people and need somebody who treat you all really nice. Do not settle for any less.

Trust me!!! His loss! I think he broke up because he knew it will soon come up because of his inactions and his kids' actions and he didn't want to be dumped so he broke up first.

A guy who isn't willing to fix his mistakes or his kids' is SO NOT a guy worth keeping!

nerdy mom to DD1 7yo, D2 infant
Shakti77 is offline  
#13 of 13 Old 01-03-2014, 02:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
Barefoot~Baker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 737
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shakti77 View Post

Hugs mama, you and your kids sound like great people and need somebody who treat you all really nice. Do not settle for any less.

Trust me!!! His loss! I think he broke up because he knew it will soon come up because of his inactions and his kids' actions and he didn't want to be dumped so he broke up first.

A guy who isn't willing to fix his mistakes or his kids' is SO NOT a guy worth keeping!

Thanks.  I think you are right.  He doesn't want to deal with his kids' problems.  I'm certainly not going to miss the kids.  My kids are so happy so that says a lot.

 

Thanks everyone.  It's great to have support.  He was my best friend bawling.gif


Single Mom with a BF  stillheart.gif  Mommy to 2 girlsphotosmile2.gif blahblah.gif & 2 boys jog.gifsuperhero.gif nocirc.gif

 wash.gif banghead.gif Using the Law of Attraction candle.gif om.gif Loving my Family  cat.gif 

Barefoot~Baker is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off