Sometimes it's just so hard! - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-31-2014, 10:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I love my family, I do. But some days I could just pull my hair out. I just wish that my partner could see how tough things can be sometimes, I get that he gets up and goes to work, but that's when his job stops, mine is 24/7 as well as working casual hours. He comes home to a spotless house, dinner cooked, washing done and a happy baby, he gets to put his feet up and have a beer.. Whilst I'm still rushing around crazy! We have one child. And then on the days we have my step kids (who I adore) my workload triples, outfit after outfit, mess after mess, meal after meal, I signed up for this, I know that.. But is it that hard to set boundaries... Or even just help? I feel like I could say until I'm blue in the face these things that are stressing me and I would still never be heard.. So far today I have done 3 loads of washing.. And that is just my stepchildrens, I have made 3 meals that they were starving for, but barely touched! My baby goes without naps because they run the house and refuse to even simply use an "inside voice" I'm a nervous exhausted wreck :'( but I feel if I cry to my partner and complain that I am a horrible horrible person
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Old 01-31-2014, 10:44 PM
 
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Hmm, that's a tough situation. First off, I would NOT make my child miss his or her naps and let my stepkids run amuck. Tell them that while the baby is napping, they can read, draw, or do another quiet activity and if that fails, they can go to bed too. And I would stick to my word on that. a couple days of laying in bed bored for two hours is sure to make them quiet down sooner or later. I would tell your hubby your frustrations in a nice way. Tell him what you said on here, that you love him and his children, but that you are getting overwhelmed. Give him a half hour to chill out after work, but after that Iwould insist that he help with the dinner hour, bathing the kids and putting them to bed. He might work, but so do you! you're not sitting on your fanny all day doing nothing. Also, I would tell him that one day a week, you are going to go out alone for a period of time, an hour or two, whatever you need, and leave him the kids. You need time away from the house as well as he does! good luck to you!

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Old 01-31-2014, 10:46 PM
 
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You could also post in the stay at home forum because lots of mamas there can offer support, hugs
http://www.mothering.com/community/f/329/stay-at-home-parents
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Old 02-01-2014, 12:19 AM
 
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Sending you support! You are not a horrible person for expecting your step children to behave, it is good for them to learn how to act with a baby in the house, and, assuming they are old enough, they should have some repsonsibilites, too. 


"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

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Old 02-01-2014, 01:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you everybody, I don't feel like as much of a monster reading your comments, i feel like I'm just an in house maid who gets walked all over sometimes greensad.gif but I can't let this continue any longer.
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Old 02-05-2014, 10:09 AM
 
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What did your husband do with his kids before you and he got together? Are the kids with you for large periods of time? I ask because I don't think my ex has ever washed even one of the kids socks, they just bring enough clothes for the weekend and come back with a back pack full of laundry for me. If that's at all feasible, then maybe stop doing the extra work. How old are the step kids?Tthe only meal I actually serve to my big kids is supper. They can prepare the rest themselves and have for many years... a 5 year old can make themself a sandwich, once you teach them. Maybe put on a movie for the baby's nap time, or if their dad is home he could take them to the park?


~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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Old 02-07-2014, 02:25 PM
 
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I wouldn't make the issue about the step kids, since you mentioned that he might be sensitive to criticism in that area, and also because he does the same thing when it comes to the baby, so it's not a step kid issue anyway.

I would just go out without the kids, regularly. After he's been home relaxing for half an hour, hand him the baby and cheerfully let him know you're headed out for an hour or two. And then go. If he balks, act completely confused, and remind him that he sees your job as super easy, so what's the big deal? wink1.gif

Regarding the step kids, does he at least play with them when they visit, or does he just do his own thing while you manage the kids the whole time?

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Old 02-09-2014, 05:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Before he and I met, his ex seemed to call the shots, he didn't realise that he had rights, he would have to buy them clothes and send them home in them each time he had them stay, until I made him realize he actually had rights and what was happening wasn't right, we now have them fortnightly, they have their own wardrobe here, they come in what their mummy sends them in, I wash iron and have those outfits ready for when it's time to go home. My partner is worried to lay down some rules because he doesn't want them to hate visiting, which I understand, but it is making my life very stressful, all I wish for is some understanding, I'm running a house and taking care of 5 people.
Oh limabean I love the way you think!
Oh yes he certainly plays with them, he is an unbelievable dad, his a child at heart himself, which means if you make a mess just leave it for a week.. Someone else will clean it up :-/
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Old 02-11-2014, 12:59 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post

And then go. If he balks, act completely confused, and remind him that he sees your job as super easy, so what's the big deal? wink1.gif

 

Ugh. One for my "I need an hour" book. Not sure how I didn't think of this phrase sooner.

 

Much of what you described, devoted mummy, I can really relate to. DSD waking baby up from her nap despite my constant requests to stop stomping and yelling through the house. DH does help with dinner or dishes much of the time, but after that he lounges on the couch while I try to take care of everything else that needs to be done. Although I work full time, I am still the primary parent. DH has never, ever, gotten up with our 1-year-old in the night! Tonight I got a scowl when I asked him to shush the baby back to sleep so I could keep working on my homework due tomorrow. I catch myself getting distracted at the silliest things at work--I think because it's as close to "me time" as I get these days.

 

I need to get out for an hour or two more often, even if just to drive around town or aimlessly walk around the mall. Alone "me time" really sounds like wonderful advice.

 

 

When baby came I decided that that some chores (erm, perfectly clean house) can wait. I would probably be pulling my hair out if I held myself up to perfectly clean house standards right now. I hope that I'll have an easier time fitting in more house cleaning as baby gets older and--gasp--can "help!" She tried to help me shampoo the carpet the other day. :-) Maybe relaxing your standards a bit during the baby years could help save your sanity too.

 

I almost forgot--I also stopped washing DH and DSD's laundry. They're not at all happy about it but it's helped (me) a lot too. It's enough of a task just to keep up with baby's and my (epic pile of spit-up, drooled on, food-covered, oops the diaper leaked) laundry. I do still fold their laundry if they ask, but I definitely don't pick it up off the floor or haul it around for them. Of course, YMMV if your stepkids are too little to help much with laundry. (I should admit the straw that broke the camel's back was finding many still-folded clothes in the laundry pile one too many times. I was tired of all the effort of cleaning clothes they were too lazy to put away or pay attention to whether they were clean or dirty. It wasn't a completely arbitrary task to cut from my work list.)


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