double standards - Mothering Forums

Thread Tools
#1 of 3 Old 01-31-2014, 09:37 PM - Thread Starter
MountainMist's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

~~I love my fiancé, I absolutely do, but sometimes I worry and wonder if he just about hates my daughter. She is five years old and was a little over 2 when we got together. She is strong-willed, at times ornery, and hard-headed, but she is also a very sensitive and intelligent child that wants to please him so badly. I am not sure why she doesn't seem to listen to us when we discipline her. She knows what she does is wrong and then cries when we have to punish her and begs us not to. Either way, that is another topic. The issue bothering me currently is not my daughter's misbehaviors, it is my fiancé's overreactions to them. He immediately yells at her until she cries. I hate that. he also seems to punish her more swiftly and harshly than any of the other children in our home. (My two sons, and our son together.) He has two daughters who live in another state but he always mentions how he NEVER had to punish HIS girls like this and for that matter, he NEVER had to deal with a kid who is this bad before (i.e. his second ex wife's children). This bothers me. Even his father said his second wife's oldest daughter was "evil". She cursed my father in law out, called him every name in the book, and he told me she was wicked. Just for background on how rotten this girl was. But tonight, he mentions this girl, his ex's daughter, and said she was 'mischievous' as opposed to my daughter who he calls manipulative and mean and hateful. He also calls her a brat. I get fed up with every other child in his life he seems to treat so patiently and kindly, no matter their issues, but my daughter he doesn't have the same patience for. It makes me feel second best, as my daughter is much like me in looks, whereas his ex's daughter looks like her and his daughters look like their mother. Maybe it is that he just doesn't like me?? I know that seems ridiculous, but it is just how I feel. Even the kids who live in the house behind us who are like 4 female dennis the menace's he says they are 'cute' and 'sweet'. I just cant stand it and they make my daughter look like an angel!! I don't know what it is, sometimes I even think its because all these other young girls he favors, his daughters, his second ex's daughters are white, blonde, blue eyed and all-Americanized, whereas my daughter is half Jewish and half black, with an afro. maybe he just favors girls who look like his kids???!! ugh! I don't know! all I know is I sound crazy and I cant tell him these things or he gets mad at me.

MountainMist is offline  
Sponsored Links
#2 of 3 Old 01-31-2014, 11:21 PM
grisandole's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Southern California
Posts: 5,111
Mentioned: 13 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 14 Post(s)

I'm so sorry, sending you hugs and support. Honestly, that sounds like he has some issues, it is not okay to treat her differently than the other kids, nor to yell at her and call her a brat. Will he go to therapy with you? As a family?

grisandole is offline  
#3 of 3 Old 02-01-2014, 10:53 AM
sillysapling's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,700
Mentioned: 31 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 241 Post(s)

I believe a few people on here have had success with couple's counseling to address uneven parenting issues, I would give that a go. This is definitely something you want to get sorted out before you're married and if it continues it may be a deal-breaker.


I'm sorry that you're facing this, your husband isn't being fair and it's setting up a very bad dynamic that'll only hurt your daughter. It's possible that her behavior is getting worse in response to his bad behavior, I'm sure it's very stressful to have someone so hard on you when you're so little, especially when he isn't that way towards anyone else, and stressed out kids tend to act out. Not only that, but it would not surprise me if she's fallen into a Negative Attention Trap. Especially if your fiance never gives her positive attention, so she has a "bad attention is better than no attention" attitude towards him, but even if he does give her positive attention, some children find the predictable negative response to bad behavior to be reassuring and may even feel like they have control over their parents because they can make them angry. If you think that's the case, you may want to look at the article I linked, it gives good advice about how to get out of the trap, things that I'm sure both you and your fiance can work on. If your fiance isn't willing to alter his behavior to help improve your daughter's behavior, I would be very concerned.

Two proud daddies and our little monster
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
this is just a moment in time, step aside and let it happen
sillysapling is offline  

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Online Users: 11,137

16 members and 11,121 guests
BerylSaer , christine.l2017 , Dear_Rosemary , Deborah , emmy526 , IsaFrench , jamesmorrow , JElaineB , kathymuggle , Lydia08 , Michele123 , moominmamma , RollerCoasterMama , sarrahlnorris , Skippy918 , Springshowers
Most users ever online was 449,755, 06-25-2014 at 12:21 PM.