The Queen is Coming-Stepdaughter Question - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 07-11-2014, 10:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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The Queen is Coming-Stepdaughter Question

My fiance drops EVERYTHING whenever his daughter maybe wants to hang out/come over. We'll have plans and he'll cancel everything. We have to act like the queen is coming anytime her name is mentioned. It's beyond irritating. Let me just say that his daughter is such a good kid, she's fun to have around, polite, respectful etc. So my frustration has nothing to do with her as a person or a stepchild in general but rather how my fiance approaches the situation.

My take on it--why don't we just include her in everything all the time like a regular family member, make her feel included in our family decisions, comfortable with our family "flow" instead of going out of our way to drop everything any time she's here. I honestly think it makes her uncomfortable (she's 16). I also think in terms of "relationship-building," including a child in the mundane "day to day" activities is just as, if not more important than practically throwing them a parade on the occasions they are there. His daughter is also super quiet and very shy so I really think she just likes to be included and just feel like part of the family, like the rest of us!

I mention all the time "why don't we see if she wants to go get ice cream, let's invite her over for dinner, does she want to do this or that etc." and my fiance always says "oh no, she's probably busy with her mom." Which if that's the case fine, but I guess my take is that I'd always invite her so she knows she's always welcome/wanted at our house. She is such a great kid and super enjoyable to have around so my frustration is not geared towards her whatsoever, but mostly to my fiance and how he approaches the situation. I feel like my daughter and I get steamrolled every time something comes up with his daughter. The fiance, my daughter and I had plans to do something one night and he found out his daughter had a sporting event. Totally understandable to go to that. I suggested my daughter and I go along to cheer on his daughter and support her team and his response was "oh no, she's going to feel like she's replaced by you two." My fiance and his daughter's relationship is okay at best so I understand wanting to improve the relationship. But in my mind the way to improve the relationship is to show the child that you want them to be included, get involved in their day to day life more than just on your scheduled weekends etc.

Frustrating! Not feeling like a family unit whatsoever.
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#2 of 3 Old 07-11-2014, 10:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lauranhc View Post
My fiance drops EVERYTHING whenever his daughter maybe wants to hang out/come over. We'll have plans and he'll cancel everything. We have to act like the queen is coming anytime her name is mentioned. It's beyond irritating. Let me just say that his daughter is such a good kid, she's fun to have around, polite, respectful etc. So my frustration has nothing to do with her as a person or a stepchild in general but rather how my fiance approaches the situation.

My take on it--why don't we just include her in everything all the time like a regular family member, make her feel included in our family decisions, comfortable with our family "flow" instead of going out of our way to drop everything any time she's here. I honestly think it makes her uncomfortable (she's 16). I also think in terms of "relationship-building," including a child in the mundane "day to day" activities is just as, if not more important than practically throwing them a parade on the occasions they are there. His daughter is also super quiet and very shy so I really think she just likes to be included and just feel like part of the family, like the rest of us!

I mention all the time "why don't we see if she wants to go get ice cream, let's invite her over for dinner, does she want to do this or that etc." and my fiance always says "oh no, she's probably busy with her mom." Which if that's the case fine, but I guess my take is that I'd always invite her so she knows she's always welcome/wanted at our house. She is such a great kid and super enjoyable to have around so my frustration is not geared towards her whatsoever, but mostly to my fiance and how he approaches the situation. I feel like my daughter and I get steamrolled every time something comes up with his daughter. The fiance, my daughter and I had plans to do something one night and he found out his daughter had a sporting event. Totally understandable to go to that. I suggested my daughter and I go along to cheer on his daughter and support her team and his response was "oh no, she's going to feel like she's replaced by you two." My fiance and his daughter's relationship is okay at best so I understand wanting to improve the relationship. But in my mind the way to improve the relationship is to show the child that you want them to be included, get involved in their day to day life more than just on your scheduled weekends etc.

Frustrating! Not feeling like a family unit whatsoever.
BTDT with my husband, and I felt the same way. I discussed it all with him, to no avail, he had to hear it from a neutral third party for it to sink in that "Disneyland parenting" is not an effective way to parent, and treating the child like a "golden child" isn't healthy for the child, the parent, or the family. There are a LOT of stepmoms in your position; what helped me was reading about others going through the same thing.

Have you discussed it with him?

"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

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#3 of 3 Old 07-14-2014, 04:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by grisandole View Post
BTDT with my husband, and I felt the same way. I discussed it all with him, to no avail, he had to hear it from a neutral third party for it to sink in that "Disneyland parenting" is not an effective way to parent, and treating the child like a "golden child" isn't healthy for the child, the parent, or the family. There are a LOT of stepmoms in your position; what helped me was reading about others going through the same thing.

Have you discussed it with him?
Yeah I've discussed it with him. It's a tricky situation as there's a bit of a backstory with it. He didn't really see his daughter for a significant amount of time due to her mom's family blocking them in court, him being a minor when she was born and a whole lot of complicated stuff. So in a way he's trying to make up for years of lost time. I'm sure he also feels guilty/sad for all he's missed out on. All understandable but I still think there has to be a better way to approach it all.
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