New to Step-Parenting. Need Advice!!! - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 6 Old 07-14-2014, 01:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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New to Step-Parenting. Need Advice!!!

OK I will try to give a brief description. So I am 21 with a 18 month old. my fiancé has a child that is 8. My fiancé is 30.

I just feel overwhelmed with taking on a 8 year old. I have done lots of research on 8 year olds and behaviors. I have read that this is the most critical time to keep a strict routine. That they see what they can get away with. but I feel as a step parent I don't have as much control over her. How do I keep to her schedule by being a step parent or should I just take the role of a parent? I don't want her to think she can get away with things when she is around me but I also feel I am maybe to hard as a step parent sometimes. My fiancé says I do great with her and that I shouldn't worry but I still do.

she also already calls me mom. she hasn't seen her mom since she was 1 years old so i'm just about the first mother figure she has had and I really don't want to screw it up.

Also I feel sometimes I don't get the time I would like with my son. There are sometimes I would like it to just be me and my son then all 3 of us. Is this wrong? Should I try a little harder to have some 1 on 1 time with him. Maybe also try some 1 on 1 time with my step daughter?

Any feedback would be great thank you for the help!!
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#2 of 6 Old 07-15-2014, 01:44 PM
 
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First I have to take my hat off to you for

A) researching and doing what you can to be the best parent you can be and
B) stepping in as role of mother to this child

if she hasn’t seen her biological mother since she was a baby, then you and her father ARE her parental guidance… you should raise her as if she were your own biological child, with the same rules that you will have for your kid(s)

if that involves keeping schedules, and that works well for you (I think schedules are important too!) then you should do your best to stick with a schedule for your step-daughter.
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#3 of 6 Old 07-15-2014, 02:01 PM
 
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How long have you and her dad been together? do you live together? I wouldn't make any big schedule changes suddenly (with any child, really, not just a step child), but rather introduce small changes gradually to better fit everyone's schedules together. Are you home alone with the kids a lot? It's hard to put off the real parenting if you are the one with her most of the time, and especially since you are the only mom figure in her life.

It's perfectly okay to take time to be alone with your son. The trick is to do it in a way that doesn't make your dsd feel like you don't want her around, and also to take alone time with her if possible Will you have daytime hours with your son while she is at school? Can you arrange for dad to take her on a daddy daughter date once a week so she feels like she is getting to do something special while you also get alone time with your son? Can dad get up with her while you snuggle with your son? Hopefully your fiance is supportive of your need to have time with your son as well as his need to have alone time with his daughter-I think that is really important in a blended family.

I started stepparenting at about the same age as you, though I had my kids after that so I'm sure it's a little different. I know I found it overwhelming at times, and I wasn't even doing it full time since dsd mostly lived with her mom! Don't forget to take time for yourself along with taking time alone with the kids

Single mama namaste.gif to dd dust.gifand ds fencing.gif, loving my dsd always reading.gif .
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#4 of 6 Old 07-15-2014, 02:01 PM
 
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I agree. Step parenting can be tricky and it may feel strange to take the parent role with a step child but if she doesn't have a mother taking the mother role already then you aren't doing anything wrong with providing her with a mother. If you are going to be this girl's only female parent there will be a lot she needs you for over the years. I would take her in just like one of mine and treat her that way. In your situation this is more like an adoption than just step-parenting and co-parenting with other parents involved. It will only be you and your fiancee caring for the girl. As far as one on one time I don't see anything wrong with you wanting alone time with your son. Parents want one on one time with their children. I think it's a great idea for you to get one on one time with each of the children. Do some fun toddler things alone with your ds and also take your stepdaughter for some girl time alone. I'm sure she'll love it!

Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD and spending my days
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#5 of 6 Old 07-17-2014, 07:31 PM
 
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Originally Posted by crazyms View Post
I agree. Step parenting can be tricky and it may feel strange to take the parent role with a step child but if she doesn't have a mother taking the mother role already then you aren't doing anything wrong with providing her with a mother. If you are going to be this girl's only female parent there will be a lot she needs you for over the years. I would take her in just like one of mine and treat her that way. In your situation this is more like an adoption than just step-parenting and co-parenting with other parents involved. It will only be you and your fiancee caring for the girl. As far as one on one time I don't see anything wrong with you wanting alone time with your son. Parents want one on one time with their children. I think it's a great idea for you to get one on one time with each of the children. Do some fun toddler things alone with your ds and also take your stepdaughter for some girl time alone. I'm sure she'll love it!
yes! Getting one on one time even with my own two is difficult, yet needed at times. It is more difficult with ds 8, but even have a small conversation with him while dd naps helps me feel more connected with him, or helping him with homework while she watches a movie or plays legos in the corner. Ds and I rarely get alone time for any length of time, like 3 hours every 6 months when my ex has kept dd for me for a special date. I worry less about having alone time with my 2 when DP and I move in with each other because his kids go to the moms or grandmas for at least half the weekend and my kids are usually home all weekend save friday nights. That was one of my concerns for our upcoming blend, but with our schedules, DP's kids will have one night with just us, and my kids will have 2-3 nights a week typically. Does your dsd have grandparents that could take her one weekend evening for more one on one time with your DS?
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#6 of 6 Old 07-17-2014, 08:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kindofcrunchy82 View Post
yes! Getting one on one time even with my own two is difficult, yet needed at times. It is more difficult with ds 8, but even have a small conversation with him while dd naps helps me feel more connected with him, or helping him with homework while she watches a movie or plays legos in the corner. Ds and I rarely get alone time for any length of time, like 3 hours every 6 months when my ex has kept dd for me for a special date. I worry less about having alone time with my 2 when DP and I move in with each other because his kids go to the moms or grandmas for at least half the weekend and my kids are usually home all weekend save friday nights. That was one of my concerns for our upcoming blend, but with our schedules, DP's kids will have one night with just us, and my kids will have 2-3 nights a week typically. Does your dsd have grandparents that could take her one weekend evening for more one on one time with your DS?
That's a good idea to get a grandparent to take one of the two children if you and your partner want alone time with one of them. I'd also suggest you and your partner split up with the kids - you take one for 1-1 time and he take the other. The next time you do it you two trade kids. This will give each of you needed alone time with your own child and with the new child. Both of the kids will benefit from this. Dh and I use to do this with our oldest two kids but with the 3rd it's more complicated lol.

Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD and spending my days
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