Thanks for your reply. It's new for me to be writing about these issues to strangers, but I'm hoping someone can help me find peace of mind.
My girls (all the girls are in their 50s, so we're not talking youngsters) are very different from my husband's. His are quite social, mine not so much. One of my girls couldn't care less; the other is much more sensitive, although it's probably my sense of the issue that is causing me grief. I honestly don't think my girls would want to attend, as the "other side" (and I really don't like to put it that way, as I am in the middle and have developed very good relationships with his girls and their families) is much more social, mine are not as outgoing. But they are very, VERY different, and actually would not blend well socially except in a total family gathering at our home. What troubles me, and, yes, angers me, is that my girls do not receive invitations to events to which all the other family are invited. Case in point: One daughter is giving a party for her son and his little boy in a couple of weeks. The minute we got the invitation, my stomach knotted up: "here we go again." Because we are out of town and will travel back to our home town for this party, and will be there only a day or two, I will probably not see my girls when we are there. To be honest, I don't even want them to KNOW there is a(nother) party to which they have not been invited. It's just horribly uncomfortable for me.
Of course my husband knows how I feel, and it makes him feel terrible. At one point he told his daughter (the same one) that unless my girls were invited to "family" events, we would not be coming. Well, of course she got upset, said they are not invited to MY daughters' "events" (they don't HAVE "events"!), and I know it would have spread like wildfire through that side of the family, who would all rally against me, so I backed down, told DH we couldn't do that. It's an awful balancing act. I don't want my daughters upset, but I also don't want war with his daughters. So here I am, grinning (NOT) and bearing it. It makes it difficult to enjoy the party, even though I love the girls (yes, I actually do) and our grandchildren. Maybe I should be talking to a shrink.
I have talked to my girls and they hate that I feel caught in the middle. They say they don't care, and, again, I seriously doubt they would attend anyway (they stick pretty close together and don't feel entirely comfortable with their SS's). I am just so resentful that they are not considered part of "the family." We've been a "family" -- maybe the wrong term here -- for 40 years. So this is really more about how I handle this kind of thing every time it comes up.
Wow. I didn't mean to unload so much; just haven't been able to voice this to anyone before. I don't expect answers from anyone, really, as I have to find a place where I can be OK with the situation. I don't expect it to change. Thanks for your reply and to everyone for listening.