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#1 of 3 Old 08-06-2014, 04:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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what to do?

I am currently engaged to a man with 2 daughters (9 and 6). We have been together 3 years. From the beginning the girls have been standoffish and I have tried to make things better. Oftentimes when I talk to them the oldest will just stare at me. The most talking I get from them is when they need something, even then I have had them just hand something to hold for them without them saying a word or asking. I really don't know what to do. My fiance has said that their mother does not want them to like/love anyone else and drills and grills them which I believe is probably the case. The girls were staying with him all summer so to me they shouldn't be as guarded since their mother isn't right here to see and hear all they say. But it's tough with a summer of this. I know they are little and this is tough for them, but sometimes the way they treat my children doubled with how I am treated has just made me feel awful. I don't want to be whiny, but I just don't know that I want to keep feeling this way. I keep thinking maybe someone else could be better for them and maybe we just will never click. Any advice or suggestions? Please don't be too judgemental with me on this, I really am trying.

I'm a single working mom of 3 wonderful kiddos. 

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#2 of 3 Old 08-07-2014, 02:05 PM
 
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My partners daughter is 10 yrs old, we have lived together for a year now. We went through/still are to some extent going through some of the things you are going through. DH daughter went to see a child psychologist earlier in the year due to a lot of the issues. She got herself to the point that she couldn't fall asleep at our house and would site stomach aches etc. She also had issues with me and at times my daughter who is also 10, and her mother interferes a lot, demands to know every detail of what goes on at our house and it leads to many conflicts. According to the psychologist there are a few issues at play, first is jealousy. She wants her dad to her self, to be the centre of his attention (she has 2 brothers, but she's daddy's little girl). The psychologist said the jealousy is normal and to expect it, and it will manifest itself in many ways including how they act towards their dads partner. The other thing she mentioned is that they need to have time with just their dad with only bio siblings because they still need that sense of belonging. I too struggle with this issue tremendously and at times it seems like an impossible feat especially because of how bio-mom feels about me and how she verbalizes that to the kids. Hope this lets you know that your not alone.
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#3 of 3 Old 08-08-2014, 05:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you. I appreciate hearing a similar story. My fiance does do things with just his girls and I fully encourage it. I don't want them to feel like me or my kids are taking their dad. I have noticed this summer that the youngest has been acting out (crying fits) so much more and I feel like they have had more alone time with him than last summer. There have been several times that we hold hands or he touches me and she will run over and touch him or tell him she loves him. I feel for them because their is nothing for them to worry about. He gets plenty of time with them even when we are all together. Feels like a losing battle. The oldest is only 9 and it seems so young for her to act the way she does with me. Its heartbreaking really. I have tried pushing through it and ignoring a lot of the behavior or times they won't talk to me when I talk to them. This summer I have reminded them to please answer when ppl talk to them.

My fiance used to acknowledge that there is a problem and blamed his ex for making them feel bad for liking other people. Now I feel like he blames himself for not handling their behavior correctly and me for not spending enough time alone with them.

I'm a single working mom of 3 wonderful kiddos. 

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