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Boyfriend disagrees with how I handled daughter's behavior

14K views 23 replies 14 participants last post by  Pat1 
#1 ·
This weekend my 7-year-old daughter and I went to Disney World with my boyfriend. There were certain rides that my daughter did not want to go on because she said she was afraid. I honored that and didn't make her go on them. After her third refusal, he became withdrawn and hardly said anything to me the rest of the day. Tonight, while talking to him on the phone, I brought it up that he seemed bothered by something. He said that he was upset about my daughter's refusal to go on certain rides, not believing that she was really afraid and that she was being a "drama queen." He said that he didn't say anything because he didn't feel it was his place, so he kept his mouth shut. He said that his parents would have said "enough of this shit, we're going home" if he would have acted that way. :eyesroll He also asked me if I ever tell her "no." Then he said that it all came to a "head" when he realized as we were leaving that a 5-year-old's parents didn't bring a stroller for her, pretty much insinuating that I shouldn't have brought one for my older daughter. I explained that I merely brought it since we tend to stay beyond when she'd normally be in bed, so that way she'd have a place to sleep. In one breath he's saying that it's not his place to criticize my parenting and acknowledged that I have 7 years of parenting experience, whereas he has none, but in another breath, complaining about the above things. We have talked about getting married and now I'm wondering how/if our different parenting styles will mesh with future children.http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/
 
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#3 ·
Is he usually like this? I'm not sure that nuking the whole relationship over one incident is necessarily the right choice. I think we are all guilty sometimes of being disappointed when an event doesn't go how we'd pictured it would be. And people who don't have kids, their chances of having a plan work out how they intended is a lot higher. Being able to roll with it takes some practice. I might ask him how he imagined the day would go, maybe he thought it was going to be some great family bonding thing... maybe his family at Disney is one of his happiest memories and he was trying to recreate that with you and your daughter. If that actually is the case, I'd be willing to cut him some slack.

When my husband and I first got together I heard a lot about how his parents would have handled certain situations... it was the only experience he had to go on, and he figures he turned out okay so they must of done it right. Sometimes my way of doing something was so different from what he expected to happen, he didn't know I was doing anything at all. What started to change things for him was, one day my son got super mouthy with me. My ex in-laws had informed him that renters aren't really the boss of the house, the landlord is... I don't know if he was talking about painting his room or what, but that came up in comversation. But of course, 7 year old logic meant that since Mike (landlord) is the BOSS, then by extension, my son didn't have to listen to me anymore. So my then-boyfriend decides he's going to go have a man-to-man (haaaaa haaa ha! good luck) His talk has no effect. Meanwhile I'm getting supper ready... so in a bit I call supper and everyone comes in, BF sits down, I sit down, my daughter sits down. Son looks at his spot and asks "Where's my plate?!" And I replied "I don't know... ask Mike." I'll never forget BF's face when I said that, he was stunned. But that was the end of hearing Mike was the boss, not me. Anyway, after that BF was more interested in why I did things one way vs. another, what the logic was behind it and he really understood that there's more than one way to teach a lesson. Maybe your BF just needs some more opportunities to see there is a method to your madness.

Another thing he might not have a good grasp on is how fast kids really grow up. She's 7 now, going to Disney is going to be totally different when she's 10, and again totally different when she's 15. Lots of things that are near impossible, or just plain frustrating now, are going to be good fun later on. But it takes time to gain that perspective.
 
#4 ·
Mummoth, no, he has never criticized my parenting before. I'm feeling a lot of hurt and anger about what he said and feel like he crossed a boundary. I want to sit down with him and have a discussion about I've felt as a result of what he said, as well as to talk about our differing approaches to parenting and why I do the things I do. Also, I want to let him know that there are certain discipline measures, e.g., corporal punishment that I will not stand for. He also needs to understand that it has been just my daughter and I for the last several years, so there is going to some adjustment for her to make as she gets used to "sharing" Mommy with another person.
 
#5 ·
That sounds like a really good idea. As he steps into a parenting role, it's going to be an adjustment for everyone. He's not going to do everything the same way you do, and that's okay, as long as you have (or are moving toward) a similar philosophy. make sure he knows you don't need it to be your way or the highway, but you want to go about parenting in a way that is respectful of the child as well as other members of the family. if he can agree that she deserves respect then you will probably be able to work out strategies for dealing with issues as they come up.

The way I parent with my parnter is different from the way I parented when I was single. My daughter was very particular about foods, and it wasn't a battle I picked. I was able to get a balanced diet into her and was willing to accomodate her quirks. My husband came from a 'clean your plate' family and figured she should just eat whatever was in front of her. Which I thought, it's her body and she can decide. He pointed out that she didn't even try new foods, so she's not exactly making an informed decision. That was a valid point, so I took his opinion and we came up with the plan that she could get herself something else AFTER she tries one good bite of whatever the meal was. And he was right, that was a good call. Her diet gradually expanded to include more foods, and cooking for the family has become a lot easier. It was a bit of a fight to get her to accept that she had to take that one bite at first, and that was a fight I didn't have in me without him, but with his support I did.
 
#6 ·
Rides are for fun. You go on them if you want. If you don't want to go on them, what's the big deal? I literally don't understand his problem. I can see making your kid do things that are good for them: eating healthy food, doing their homework, practicing their musical instrument, cleaning their room. But why would you (or he) put up a big fuss about whether she goes on a ride at a fair or not? In what earthly way would it possibly matter to anyone what stupid rides she goes on?

*He* is the drama queen. He took a totally neutral outing and turned it into this big argument that was all about him.

DTMFA

Although I am surprised you have a stroller big enough for a 7-year-old to sleep in for the night. Does she often sleep in a stroller, and where does one purchase this giant contraption? Does it fit in your car?
 
#10 ·
I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk about your parenting styles, your relationship, and his relationship with your daughter. It sounds like he was raised with authoritarian parents and expects that style. That's fine for some families, but if that's not what you want for your daughter then he needs to respect that you parent her differently than he expects. You also need to sort out where this relationship is going and make sure you're both on the same page. Does he even want to be step-dad to your daughter or to have future kids with you? Where are you willing to compromise on parenting philosophy? Is there anything that's a deal breaker?

Rides are for fun. You go on them if you want. If you don't want to go on them, what's the big deal? I literally don't understand his problem. I can see making your kid do things that are good for them: eating healthy food, doing their homework, practicing their musical instrument, cleaning their room. But why would you (or he) put up a big fuss about whether she goes on a ride at a fair or not? In what earthly way would it possibly matter to anyone what stupid rides she goes on?

*He* is the drama queen. He took a totally neutral outing and turned it into this big argument that was all about him.
This. I remember accidentally going on rides that were too scary for me (happened a few times)- it was horrible. It was NOT an enjoyable experience, the only bonding that happened was because my parents respected my views and helped comfort me afterwards. Your boyfriend doesn't sound like the kind to do that, if he's calling her a drama queen for refusing. My DP also never liked those rides and ILs just shoved them into it and then mocked them for being upset by it- not a happy family moment at all.

I can understand him being a bit upset because she's only 7, so if she doesn't want to go on a ride then one of the adults has to stay with her. So either he has to miss out on the ride, or he doesn't get to share it with his partner. But that's kind of a HUGE part of being a parent- you miss out on stuff for your kids. I fully expect that, in a few years, I'll be sitting through the darn roller coaster lines because my kid wants to go on them even though there's a dozen other things I'd rather be doing. That's part of being a parent. If he wants to be a co-parent to this child, then he needs to take a deep breath and accept that this is what being a parent is. If he doesn't want to be a co-parent to this child, then he should get hise nose out of the OP's parenting and the OP needs to consider if she wants to invest this kind of time into someone who has no interest in being her child's step-dad.

I can't imagine ever pushing a seven year old around in a stroller unless they had special needs that made it difficult for them to walk all day.
The OP specifically said she brought the stroller as they planned to be there past her daughter's bedtime. And, as you said, all kids are different. Unless letting her use the stroller is in some way detrimental to her health/development, and that's not something a stranger on the internet has any way of saying for sure, this is just a difference in parenting choices.

If it were one of my kids at seven years old I would require them to wait in line and talk about how fun it will be then walk them onto the ride unless they seemed truly frightened.
That sounds miserably boring. Ugh, this is why I do NOT get roller coasters- you stand in line for hours for a 2 minute ride. I can think of a million more interesting things to do than stand in line for an hour. Especially at Disney World.

I can get requiring it once- but if that doesn't pan out, why would you subject your child to that repeatedly? Just so that everyone except that child gets to have a happy day while the child feels singled out for having their feelings $#!% on?
 
#8 ·
Its not his job to be the parent just because he is your boyfriend. I agree, i would have dumped him halfway through his first sentence. But you probably love him for other reasons.

Just tell him, if you want his advice, you will ask. If he feels strongly about imparting his observations that he feel might be helpful, then he can say 'May i share my thoughts that might be helpful to you?"

Otherwise, he minds his own business.

Seriously though, anyone who thinks good prenting consists of forcing a child on a ride that they are scared of, should not be anywhere near your child.
 
#9 ·
I can see both sides of this. Not knowing how things were said makes a big difference. He should have waited until later to kindly bring up concerns but disney tends to wear people out and 'break their filter'.

We have six kids and tend to be necessarily more strict than parents with one child simply because we have to give attention to all the kids. Although I agree that you are the parent, not him, and things should happen the way you want things done I do want to say that I agree on some of the points he made.

I can't imagine ever pushing a seven year old around in a stroller unless they had special needs that made it difficult for them to walk all day. We've offered the stroller to our eight year old over the past couple years as a place to sit when we're not walking. He laughed at the idea of even sitting down in a stroller for a few minutes. That said, all kids are different.

Although I think it would be very wrong to force a child on a ride they say they're scared of I do think it's important to encourage kids to try new things. The way I'm reading it it doesn't sound like it was just one or two rides, it sounds like there were quite a few. Can I ask what happened then? Did someone wait with the seven year old and the stroller while others went on the rides alone or did everyone not go? Neither of those options sounds like the makings of a fun day. If it were one of my kids at seven years old I would require them to wait in line and talk about how fun it will be then walk them onto the ride unless they seemed truly frightened. My experience is that kids will see something new and just say they're scared then it's up to the parent to reassure them that it's ok. You'd be surprised how much fun they can have and how good they feel about conquering their fears when you help them do things they don't think they can do.

I intend this to be constructive but I know it might come across as critical. Part of the problem with the rides could be coming from the stroller. An older child who is being pushed around in and taking naps in something built for babies and toddlers could be simply seeing themselves as not old enough or ready for rides they can not only handle but might have a great time on.
 
#12 ·
Well, we can sit around all day and debate the merits of someones else's parenting-should they have a stroller if out all day and child gets tired, should they encourage them to go on a ride even though the child is scared, should they make them wait in line for a long time, or not, etc etc. People can have widely different views on these things. Personally, my 6yo could fit in our double stroller and used it from time to time for both mine, and his convenience. I dont give a (insert your word of choice), what other people think of that, nor would i be i interested in the opinion of my boyfriend on the subject, more than anyone else. Unless he used the formula i provided above , namely,
" Do you mind if i offer my opinion on such and such....?" And with a truly open mind, and a bit of a yawn, with a spare few minutes if i had them, i might be polite enough to listen to his opinion.

Since the OP is in a relationship with this man, i agree with the above that they need to sit down and talk so they are on the same page.

Alot of people will have opinions on your parenting, especially random strangers, and sometimes good friends and boyfriends (or girlfriends).

But you are the parent OP. You really dont have to listen to them.
 
#13 ·
Sort of off topic but you will only listen to someone if they have first humbly approached you for permission to voice their opinion? Even then you will not take a moment to listen, listening is only a gift you give when you have spare time?

In a decade of marriage I have learned that bringing your spouses opinion into play is incredibly important. I might not be always thrilled about it but everything is a give and take. It's great to know that I can say what I feel without asking first or risking feeling like a bother (such as when someone purposely yawns while you're talking).

Saying she doesn't have to listen to his parenting opininons is true but, if she values the relationship and plans a future with him, she should be.
 
#15 ·
Sort of off topic but you will only listen to someone if they have first humbly approached you for permission to voice their opinion? Even then you will not take a moment to listen, listening is only a gift you give when you have spare time?

In a decade of marriage I have learned that bringing your spouses opinion into play is incredibly important. I might not be always thrilled about it but everything is a give and take. It's great to know that I can say what I feel without asking first or risking feeling like a bother (such as when someone purposely yawns while you're talking).

Saying she doesn't have to listen to his parenting opinions is true but, if she values the relationship and plans a future with him, she should be.
Your spouse, the father of your children, is the parent like you are.So of course you listen to his opinion. Someone who isnt entitled to an opinion, should ask you politely if they want to give one. To offer unsolicited advice and opinions reflects an assumption that you, as parent, arent competent, and havent thought deeply about your parenting decisions. Opinons by these people are often made out of ignorance, people who somehow profess to know your child better than you do. Its rude and condescending.

Nonetheless, the fact that you have children, attracts many an opinion from strangers and friends alike.

The man is her boyfriend, that doesn't earn him the right to be the child's parent.

As i said, if they want something longterm, they need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting decisions. Even if they get married, he is not the father.

And btw, your post isnt off topic in the least. Its completely central to this whole dilemma.
 
#14 ·
I think that's the point. Should she be valuing this relationship? Someone who withdraws and almost doesn't speak all day at Disney, calls her kid a drama queen and asks if she ever tells the kid no.

Sounds like the kind of thing that you might want to avoid while raising a kid, or get it sorted out real quick.

I think a lot of the earlier replies had some great advice that included perspectives on maintaining the relationship if that's what the OP wants. Part of that would be deciding on boundaries regarding parenting.
 
#16 ·
I think he is entitled to an opinion on this. I don't think he is entitled to make decisions regarding it or to get annoyed when things aren't done the way he thinks they should be but I do think she should listen to what he thinks about how she is parenting. I haven't been in this exact situation but in thinking about people in my life who are close to and spend time with my kids I realize that they do give opinions on our parenting and my husband and I listen. If a close friend went to disney with us and said they didn't think our kids still needed a stroller it would definitely give me pause and cause me to reevaluate.

I think knowing what other people whose opinions you value think about something is a good thing. It allows us to have a yardstick to gauge our decisions. Sometimes you still do what you were going to do but sometimes it makes you stop and realize 'yeah, I could leave the stroller at home, lets try it'.
 
#17 ·
Everyone is entitled to an opinion, even you and i who are total strangers. I dont think the OP is obligated to listen to it. I think she will listen because she is being nice. Its ok to be nice, and you should be nice to those who are close to you. But if he expresses an opinion that shows his ignorance of parenting,(people will often have an opinon against extended breastfeeding, co sleeping, or gentle disipline for example) or a position that the OP has already thought about and decided against (such as not bringing a stroller, no doubt she has thought about it), the she is under no obligation to spend much time on it. She can say, "Thanks for sharing, but ive got it. I dont really want to hear more on the subject"

The point i am trying to make, is that she is the parent. She is entitled to feel confident in her parenting, without undue criticism from others.

When dating a person who is not the father, a woman has to weigh carefully what role he might be playing in the future, and the boundary between her needs for a boyfriend and obligations of parenthood.

Im just saying, the boundary is right there. So what if he's entitled to an opinion. He could always keep it to himself.

Anyway, ill leave it there.
 
#19 ·
When dating a person who is not the father, a woman has to weigh carefully what role he might be playing in the future, and the boundary between her needs for a boyfriend and obligations of parenthood.

Im just saying, the boundary is right there. So what if he's entitled to an opinion. He could always keep it to himself.
.
Again, I get what you're saying but I have to disagree. How could someone figure out if another person is someone they want in their life if that person is not able to express their opinion on important matters? As I have said, he certainly could have done this in a better way but that doesn't make his opinion less valid.

I guess I just can't see dating someone where it's serious enough to talk about marriage and children but not serious enough to consider their opinions of things and expect them to keep everything to themselves.
 
#20 ·
I don't know where your relationship is heading but if you plan to marry this fellow, you have to think about how he will behave when alone with
her. His parenting principles seem quite different then yours. Perhaps he will change over time, or not. It may be a longshot.
 
#21 ·
This, exactly this. He will act the way he wants when he's alone with her. Are you, OP, willing to accept that? If not, then this relationship will not work for you or your child.
 
#22 ·
You are raising a very important issue here and I appreciate you sharing with us. I personally don't see anything wrong in what your BF has shared. He merely has different views and he seems to be very respectful in sharing with you. You have to do what feels right with your daughter but at the same time I believe you must be open to hear what your BF has to share.
 
#23 ·
I'm stepmom to an 8 year old only child who's dad has been a single parent for a while before meeting me. I often feel like he's too soft on her and doesn't push her to try new things or get over silly fears (like having to chew applesauce for at least a minute because she's afraid to choke [She has gotten over this through me showing her that you can drink applesauce and that even babies with no teeth can eat applesauce and not choke]).

Honestly, I'm more in the role of your boyfriend than you in this situation. I have no parenting experience (though I have cared for many people) and he has 8 years. Though, I would say that parenting changes over time. Situations change, children develop and you have to be flexible to that. I think your boyfriend did the right thing by biting his tongue as to not say something out of frustration in the moment. I have been there many times. Give myself a moment to think about what I'm actually frustrated about and assess if it's a big deal or not and if it is, how I'm going to talk to him about it later. Ultimately, Disney rides are for kids and if she doesn't want to ride she shouldn't be made to. Could it be that maybe he was feeling like she was missing out on the Disney experience? I mean, Disney is not a cheap place to go (from my understanding) and he may have felt like if she's not going to participate, why are we wasting our money?

I also grew up in a "no shit" kind of house (I also love both of my parents now and definitely appreciate that they introduced me to a wide range of experiences as a kid). So, it can be hard to watch someone baby their child about everything or not encourage them to be brave. I recently took my step daughter to the fair and I encouraged her to ride the spinning swings with me (a ride that I loved as a kid). At first, she was scared but I showed her people riding it and how much fun they were having and she agreed to do it. You could see it on her face when the ride started that she was petrified but as it continued she began to relax and asked to go on it 3 more times after that. She tried to chicken out 4 times before actually sitting down and doing it. When we were leaving for the day she told me that she LOVED that ride and already was making plans for next years fair and all the OTHER rides that she wanted to do now that she sees how fun the swings were.

I think it's very important to talk with your boyfriend about parenting style as well as being open to his opinions as well. I would recommend a parenting class for you both just so there can be neutral ideas thrown out there that isn't like "your idea" versus "his idea". The fact is, you love your daughter so much and are very close to the situation and might not see the small things that might be her manipulating you so she gets her way on your time and dime. It sounds like your boyfriend cares a lot about you and your daughter and I would be patient and work together on parenting styles and communication. Remember that you are both different people with different backgrounds. You're not always going to agree on everything but that doesn't mean it's the end of the universe.
 
#24 ·
Your daughter's behavior was completely normal. Sounds like your boyfriend doesn't have much parenting experience! I would proceed very cautiously with that relationship. I remember when we had three little kids and we went to Disney. I wanted to go on a bunch of rides, but realized that I couldn't because they were too scary for my kids. Much (not all) of parenting is sacrificing your wants and desires for the benefit/training of your kids.
 
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