Sex questions from 11 yr old - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 09-28-2014, 01:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sex questions from 11 yr old

My bf and I have been together for almost 3 yrs now. His dd is now 11. We don't live together yet, but are making plans to buy a house together and eventually get married.
A month or so ago, I was babysitting for her and we were watching an episode of the Duggars on Netflix (her choice!) and they were talking a lot about pregnancy,etc. Later on when I was giving her a ride to her mother's house, she said she had a question, but she was afraid I would get mad if she asked it. I said, just ask and that I wouldn't be mad. She then asked if I have sex with her dad! I said it was a personal question and I don't share that info with anyone. She asked why, I reiterated that it was personal and that was it. She begged me not to tell her dad that she asked. I didn't tell him because I felt like it wasn't something that would hurt her if I didn't share it and I didn't want to betray her confidence.
Yesterday my dd (17) and I were at their house. The girls were upstairs by themselves doing their hair and the 11 yr old tells my dd that she asked me about her dad and I having sex. My dd was shocked and said that she kind of danced around the question and didn't answer her really.
Should I now tell her dad that she has been asking these things? When it was one time, I didn't feel it was a big deal...but now I am kind of concerned. Is this normal? My dd was not interested in learning anything like that at 11. She was still climbing trees and bike riding. She was very sheltered though, very little media, etc.
Any advice would be welcome!! Thanks!

Last edited by StarChild; 09-28-2014 at 02:10 PM.
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#2 of 8 Old 10-04-2014, 09:51 AM
 
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I think you need to appreciate that you and SD's dad have been instrumental in introducing this topic into SD's life. Her mom and dad once were together and now they are not, you've been introduced as a new friend/romantic partner who might move in with her sometime in the future. That situation is going to make any kid wonder about what these kinds of relationships mean. And it's totally normal for an 11 year old to be starting to have questions about sex. Dad (or her mom?) should just tell her it's time to have The Talk with her! Get her some books for kids about the facts of life and get her general questions answered. If she asks Dad about his sexual activities, he can tell her that people who love each other romantically sometimes have sex and he's happy to answer general questions, but a person's sex life is private and he's not going to talk about what he does personally.

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#3 of 8 Old 10-04-2014, 02:20 PM
 
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This question is not weird, coming from a fifth grader. Your response was pretty extremely weird, but the situation is recoverable at this point.

The answer to the question is "yes." Of course you are having sex with her father. There is no secret there, and no shame aside from what you have created with your initial poor handling of the matter. Talk to her father, be honest with your SD as a couple, and then be prepared to support the parents with books, online resources and a shoulder to lean on as they give their child the information she should have gotten years ago.
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#4 of 8 Old 10-05-2014, 08:53 PM
 
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Ehh, this is really normal for that age. I think it's actually really good that she felt comfortable enough to ask! I remember when my dsd was kind of asking questions right around that age, and then suddenly had a light bulb moment when she looked at me, looked at her siblings (mine and her dad's kids) and then blurted out, "Wait, does that mean you and dad had sex?!" Awkward! But I think my response was something like, Well, yup, that's how babies are made! and it wasn't a huge deal.

If she knows you and her dad are in a romantic relationship (which I assumes he does at this point!) I think it's probably a good idea to have a quick chat with her about how sex is a normal and healthy part of a romantic relationship between 2 consenting adults, etc. Nothing wrong with that, IMO, as long as she is asking and you aren't just randomly letting her know about yours/her dad's sex life.

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#5 of 8 Old 10-05-2014, 09:50 PM
 
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i think you might be reading far into this than necessary.

it may sound like a 'sex' question but it might not be.

the key is to find out why she is asking? i feel there might be a reason for it. she doesnt want to know about sex, she wants to know if you guys are having sex.

is it because she is excited or freaked out by the possiblity of siblings?

is it that someone said something and she is trying to figure out something.

the question is important to her - the reason why she is asking all of you.

as you said she lead a sheltered life so perhaps sex is not that open on hte table.

i'd explore more and - keep your reactions aside.

when they ask questions - there usually is something going on. and at 11 she is at the peak of wierd facts heard on the playground.

many girls by that age have already started their periods.

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#6 of 8 Old 10-05-2014, 11:43 PM
 
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I can't see any reason why you would hide that information from her. And it speaks well of your relationship that she was able to ask you directly. Obviously discussing details of your sex life with her would be inappropriate and unnecessary, but there is nothing wrong in confirming that you are physically intimate with her father.

I would mention it casually, as a matter of course, that your adult relationship includes that aspect. Then I would find out both why she is asking, and why she isn't asking her own parents. It's possible that she is concerned about babies or STI's or something weird she heard from another kid. It's also possible that she isn't getting accurate information on that part of human development from her parents and is seeking it from another trusted adult, you. How you handle it should be informed by her reasons for bringing it up.

I would encourage you not to share this with her dad unless you feel it is really necessary for the daughter's safety or health. When I knew I could trust my stepmothers with private or uncomfortable things was a big deal in our relationship. I assume you want to be close to this girl and have her trust you, so don't break that trust unless you really need to.

Just for reference, my DD is 10 and quite sheltered from media and other outside influences. She also has a basic understanding of human anatomy and reproduction. She knows her father and I have sex, and also that it is a private part of our relationship so I wouldn't tell her details even if she wanted to know. Which she doesn't. She does ask general questions on occasion "does it hurt?" "does it make a baby every time?" "can I still be a mama someday without doing that?" and I answer in general terms.

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#7 of 8 Old 10-06-2014, 11:09 PM
 
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Sometimes when my kids ask a doozie of a question (that I am willing to answer), I ask "Are you sure you really want to know the answer to that?" before I give them the answer. Then I give them the simple truth... if that isn't enough information they will keep asking.

My daughter asked her step dad how I got pregnant with her little sister. His answer was "Remember when you took Body Science at school? Well, they explained there how babies get made, right?" and she knew that, but asked how did *mom* get pregnant? And he said "Your mom is a woman, and I am a man." She got halfway through asking him again, before it clicked in her head what he was saying.

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#8 of 8 Old 10-09-2014, 06:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your responses. I forgot to mention that her bio mom is pretty crazy and jealous and does anything she can to sabotage DP's relationship with said daughter. She was very mad when DP and I started dating, though they had been divorced for 5 years and she had already been remarried. At that time she kept telling the daughter (then 8) that her dad was sleeping at my house all the time that she wasn't there and was lying to her!! He wasn't even sleeping at my house because we lived with roommates(not that she would have even known this!)...so she was just making stuff up!
So, I was freaked out by her question even more because I have NO idea what her mother tells her.
I do feel like she trusts me and I asked her recently if she has any of the books about growing up, etc. She says she does at her mom's house. She does also have her period.
I did tell her dad about it. He said she was asking him other kinds of questions, so it was a good segway into it. He was fine with it and agreed he would not say anything to her.
I didn't think I handled it poorly and neither did my therapist. It is personal.
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