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How far is too far for weeknight activities?

734 views 10 replies 7 participants last post by  greenemami 
#1 ·
Just curious on other's opinion on this.
 
#2 ·
My kids drive to their dad's house 20 miles away one night a week for an overnight (it's over an hour drive since you have to go through Downtown LosAngeles). It's not ideal and their other regular weekly overnight became just a 3 hr dinner close to our house, but it's better than dragging us all to court to fight about it. (and aside from some things like him choosing to move so far away, we've had an amicable 7 yr split)

Other than that (which I and they would prefer they didn't have to do) I wouldn't schedule anything more than the distance their school is (about 15 minutes away)
 
#3 ·
I'd say it depends on the activity.

"How far is too far" isn't something my husband and I have to debate, ourselves, since my ex lives nearby, his lives unquestionably too far for any weekday activities (a 6-hr. plane ride) and all the kids live with us. However, my husband's adult son (from his 1st marriage) lives 4 hrs. away. We have packed all our (younger) kids in the car and driven down there and back on a Sunday, for the christening of the adult son's baby. So evidently, my husband and I can both conceive of driving as much as 8 hrs (round-trip) on a school night, for an important event.

Theoretically, I'd draw the line at about an hour's drive (2 hrs., round-trip), for minor weekday activities, or for routine weeknight visitation.

Joanna, what is your family's current situation, regarding weeknight travel? Are you asking about it because you'd like to make changes?
 
#6 ·
DH's first three children live an hour or more away depending on traffic. The round trip is always 2 1/2-3 hours. Neither parent moved away from each other, they both moved to the area from 8 hours away. She moved with her now husband and he with me. We can't move because my ex and I have joint custody and really have to remain within the same district.

We aren't sure what to do about weeknight activities. We've attended a show and we've attended meet the teacher night so far. With his kids getting older (6, 9, and 10) and with sports, we know weeknight activities will increase. Dilan (k) has a drawing that was chosen for the school art show next Tuesday night.

On one hand we feel like DH should go, but on the other we want the kids to realize it's really far for a 10 minute to 1 hr activity. If they feel like he lives far away and can't go to weeknight things, that might be better than setting a precedent that it's possible and then not always or often make it. Does that make sense?
 
#4 ·
A regular weekday activity that happens every week? I'd say around a half hour at the most. I'm assuming the kids are also in school and have homework, etc. I wouldn't want to be driving longer than the activity actually lasts.

But I also think a lot can depend on the situation, ages of the kids, length of the activity, etc.
 
#5 ·
For an activity that's an interest of one of the kids, I'd be willing to go walking distance or 1 bus, no transfers (which would mean less than 1/2 hour) I don't drive.

For a visit with my ex, he lives a 4 hour trip away. When he has the kids for a weekend, we get them back around 6 on Sunday night and then drive an hour in the truck or take a 3 hour transit trip to get home( that's after a 3 hour boat ride for them).

If my ex was in town during the week he could pick them up after school and have them home by 8. I can't think of a scenario where he'd have me bring them to another location in town for him to pick them up... the difference in travel time for him would be negligable and it would cut into the time the kids were available to see him, because we'd be working with bus schedules. I'd be willing to do the same traveling as for an activity... but it would be a dumb way of setting up a visit.
 
#7 ·
joannaMM;18390961... said:
If they feel like he lives far away and can't go to weeknight things, that might be better than setting a precedent that it's possible and then not always or often make it. Does that make sense?
I do see your predicament: if you set the precedent of showing up for every little thing, despite 3 hrs. of driving - so the kids never "get" how difficult it is for you guys - they won't understand, if sometimes you can't come.

Like I said, our situation isn't the same as yours. But my ex (the father of my oldest 2 kids) works a lot, travels a lot for work and is a very, very poor communicator, when it comes to plan-making. I think that regardless of the reason, it's hurtful to kids when a parent promises to show up and doesn't. It also creates unnecessary resentment from the other parent, toward the one who doesn't show. (Obviously, I don't mean rare cases that can't be helped. Nobody's perfect, or can control everything.)

On the other hand, kids can usually understand if a parent - especially Dad - can't make it to some things, because of work (or because he can't leave work at 2pm, to get to a school awards ceremony at 3:30). Even if that parent lives around the corner. A reasonable ex should be able to understand that, too.

In short, show up for as much as you can. Be realistic, honest, communicative about when you can't - and don't drive yourself crazy apologizing for it. It's a long drive! But don't say you will show up, when you really mean you might. And when you say you will be there, do everything you can to follow through.
 
#8 ·
On the other hand, kids can usually understand if a parent - especially Dad - can't make it to some things,
Really? Why?

When we say that kids don't or can't or shouldn't expect as much from their fathers as they do from their mothers, I feel like we basically tell our kids that no matter what Daddy says, children should understand that they just aren't that important to him, and only Mom makes these accommodations. Further, we set terrible precedents for our children's emotional lives, their expectations of their own life partners, and their eventual parenting.

My kids can often be talked around to understanding if one or the other of us can't make it to something. Sometimes they don't understand and there's nothing we can do about it - I wound up with really important surgery scheduled for the same time as DS's preschool graduation, all the adults (in basically the entire world) agreed that H should be at the hospital, so we sent my parents to preschool grad, and our four year-old was unimpressed by our reasons for not attending in person, and not particularly understanding.
 
#9 ·
I agree with MeepyCat... don't give dads a pass just because they are dads. They need to make sacrifices for their kids the same way moms do.

Back to the question, I think it depends a lot on bedtime. If you can squeeze in the visit and dinner.. plus homework and a regular bedtime then SURE! If not, then a big NO WAY!
 
#10 ·
oh, you meant how far is too far for the PARENT to go during the week?

While I mostly agree with VocalMinority, I also have experienced it from the kid's point of view recently. My ex also moved far away from his kids because his wife is from the other side of town. He also worked over on that side of town so he missed all the little things and wasn't really involved in their day to day lives for about a year (he took a job near us in Sept so has been more involved since then).

While they do understand that Daddy can't come to little things during the week because he lives and works so far away - it still sucks for them and it has eroded their relationship with him, especially for my 10 yr old who now deals with major anger issues stemming from the whole thing.

So, yeah, reasonable adults would totally give a pass on driving a 2 hr round trip for a half hour school event but it will have ramifications with the child and the relationship between the child and the father. For things like that, we try to arrange at least the kids going out to dinner with Daddy afterwards, to make it a worthwhile visit.

No way around it, it is not ideal for kids to live an hour from a parent and I think the parents should do what they can to avoid a situation like that in the first place. (not placing blame on either of YOUR households for the existing situation, just saying it's something to deeply consider when anyone moves away from the other parent, especially in a large metro/traffic situation)
 
#11 ·
I thought you meant taking kids to activities-the new info. changes my answer a bit!

Honestly, I don't think setting the precedent that dad will try his best to make it to activities that are important to the kids as often as he can, even if it means a long drive, is a bad thing. And I don't think it will spoil them or anything to know that dad is willing to make that effort for them. I would tell your dh to go if it is at all possible-I think it would probably mean a lot to the kids to know that he is making that effort, and likewise they probably won't feel okay with dad missing things just because he doesn't want to drive on a weeknight. Maybe he can't make every sports practice or parent meeting, but he should arrange his schedule to make it to games, art shows, concerts, etc. IMO.

I also think that is is a good idea to let the kids know that he is going to make it to whatever he can, but there will be days when he simply cannot do it, due to work, or traffic, or bad weather, etc. They are old enough to understand that. Even parents who lives close by can't always make it to every little thing. I also agree with the PP that he needs to be honest-if he says he will go, he needs to show up 99.9% of the time barring an emergency.

I don't mean this to sound harsh at all-I hope it's not coming off that way. It's just that I've seen how sad my kids and my former stepdaughter get when their dad doesn't show for something-he lives close by, but is always full of excuses about work or being tired, etc., and frankly they don't get how any of that is more important to him than showing up for them-it's been really hard to watch.
 
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