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New to site & step parenting

795 views 5 replies 5 participants last post by  Mummoth 
#1 ·
Hi everyone, as the title states I am new to this site and in need of some help dealing with my step children. Me and my boyfriend have been together for little over a year, I have one daughter (9) and he has two children (boy & girl, 3). This is where things get complicated, his children have separate mothers, both of which are difficult to deal with. In regards to custody my bf has his son every weekend with court order and daughter usually every weekend, unless her mother decides to not cooperate. I have my daughter all the time, she doesn't go to see her dad very often but is fine with it and most of the time would rather not go.

The issues that I am having have been building for some time but I do not have anyone with experience to talk to about it. So here goes...

One of the big issues that I am having is with my step-son's mother. She is very uncooperative, both with BF and when it comes to SS. As my daughter is 9 I am aware of the milestones, SS can not talk, is not potty trained and is in need of constant assistance. I have talked to BF about my concerns with SS development, he agrees that SS is behind. I have tried to work with SS on the issues that I listed, I even potty trained him myself during a week long holiday visit, he did very well. The problem is that every weekend my BF picks him up SS's bio mother puts diapers on him and refuses to keep underwear on him because she doesn't want a mess. BF has talked to her about not putting diapers on SS because he doesn't need them, but she still refuses and says that if SS can't get up and go by himself then she's keeping him in diapers. This is also an issue with his delayed speach, I suggested that SS start going to daycare or consult a doctor but bio mom still refuses and states that there is nothing wrong and that I am taking over mothering duties. In my mind if she's not going to help SS advance and prepare him for school then I feel I need to, but because we only get SS on weekends that leaves little time to teach him and if bio mom isn't going to help during the week it feels as though it's pointless.
I don't know if I should keep fighting my points or if it's a lost cause (I realize that sounds harsh but that's how it feels). So what do I do? I don't want to overstep but I don't want to stand by and watch him fall behind, I want to help. How do I deal with an uncooperative, hostel bio mom?
 
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#2 ·
That's tough! I can relate to a lot of what you said--the lack of support with potty training especially. How old is your SS? I think it got lost in translation in your post.

As hard as it is, there's really not much you can do as far as getting SS's mom to cooperate. My SS's mom, at first, would actually do the OPPOSITE of whatever we asked of her simply because she enjoyed doing so. All you really have control over is what happens during your time with him. Have you considered taking him to a speech pathologist or something similar during your time with him? A professional opinion may go further with SS's mom than just speculation on your part, and even if it doesn't, it would likely help YOU decide on the best approach to helping him in his development.

I don't know much about the legal circumstances involved, but perhaps if a professional in the field recommended treatment for a language delay, it's possible SS's mom could be compelled by the court to take him to his appointments. I would hope that as his mother, she'd just do what's best for the child, but given her awfully selfish attitude toward potty training and diapering, it sounds like you shouldn't hold your breath for her to do anything that requires extra effort on her part.

Good luck! You're stuck in a tough position--but it's great that you care so much about SS's development. I hope things get better for you.
 
#3 ·
Thank you for the support. SS is 3, and it does feel like his mom does the opposite of what we suggest just to spite us. The upsetting part is that sometimes my SS suffers because of it, and this is really going to affect him when it's time to start school. BF and I have talked about taking SS to a specialist but have not done so as of now and because we suggested it bio mom won't take him during the week (even though we said we would pay). I just don't know what else there is for me to do, I continue to work with him on weekends but that's all I can do.
 
#4 ·
This seems like a case where your BF really has to step up as dad. You can't do this for him - you have no legal standing to do it because you aren't this child's legal parent.Your BF needs to get it together here.

There are real concerns about this child's speech and about age apprappropriate approaches to things like diapers. Your BF could call the child's pediatrician himself to discuss his concerns. He could insist with his ex that a consultation appointment about the child's speech delay be made. And then he has to go to that appointment. Whether or not his ex goes, your BF has to. He should plan to be present for all the parts of this, beginning with picking the child up from school or home, all the way through to the end. If his ex will not agree to have the speech delay evaluated, your ex needs to speak to a lawyer about changes in custody.
 
#5 ·
My two cents: Stop communicating with the mom. It is not your responsibility to be the one telling mom what she needs to be doing with her children. While it's great you care and want to the best for them, you say yourself that this is a fairly new relationship. Would you want your daughter's father's new girlfriend to suddenly start telling you how to parent? I sure wouldn't. Of course she's feeling defensive, and of course she feels like you are tryign to take over mothering her child! I know sometimes we come on here and just talk in the first person, so hopefully your bf is doing more than it sounds like he is doing, but seriously, *he* should be the one working on potty training, researching speech milestones, and in general communicating with mom (maybe with your input behind the scenes, but if he doesn't care enough to do these things, you certainly can't act like mom is a terrible person for not doing them either!!!).

Otherwise-I wouldn't worry about the potty training at this point-while frustrating, there isn't anything you can do about it at her house. Keep encouraging him to use the potty at your house, but remember setbacks are totally normal at that age, blended family or no. My son took until he was 4ish to really use the potty consistently (I did keep him in underwear, and did in fact have a lot of messes!) And my daughter was totally potty trained at 18 months old, so it just depends a lot on the kid.

If he is not talking at all at age 3, then yes, his dad should absolutely take him to a specialist, and maybe even push the issue through official channels if mom won't take him. However, there is a huge level of normal at that age, so I wouldn't panic just yet unless he truly isn't speaking.
 
#6 ·
I'd also consider that SS might be more verbal at moms house than at dads. My little girl is 3 and her nick-name is "Chainsaw". She starts talking and gets on such a roll with it that she sounds like that. BUT at preschool? I went along on a feild trip with her class a few weeks ago and had to ask the teacher "Is she always like this?!" She barely talked the whole time... she was like another kid, practically. So maybe mom isn't concerned because SS is talking her ear off when it's just the two of them, or somthing like that.
 
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