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talking about the other family and general 'bragging'

2K views 16 replies 5 participants last post by  kindofcrunchy82 
#1 ·
Okay, I am a little ill right now so hope this doesn't sound whining etc.

Oldest dsd talks a lot about her mom's family, particularly in a bragging like fashion. I am not sure, but i don't think it is to be mean, but it just rubs me the wrong way the way she talks about it to my kids. blank is taking me here, blank bought me this, i can't wait to see blank.

She will also try to engage in conversations about family on her moms side that we have never met, don't know anything about. Not just such and such said this, long drawn out detailed conversations. I have asked her several times to keep her talk about her other family brief but she does not listen. I have told her i am fine if she mentions something but going into a 5 minute convo to my 4 year old about her moms boyfriends stepdad's etc is just too much.

And the bragging comes from everywhere, if she goes to dp's mom's house or her moms, or one of her 5 grandparents etc she has to make sure to let my kids now, she got to go swimming or eat out etc. My kids mostly don't care, but i can tell it just annoys them like it does me. I had to have a 5 minute convo with my ds about it yesterday and asked him to patient since she has adhd she doesn't always get she is being over the top, but is there some way to redirect this behavior?

FWIW my kids have plenty of fun times as well, probably more, but they don't brag or go on and on about it to the other kids.

Just another little dynamic to blending i guess.
 
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#2 ·
I think that the child's conversation should be welcomed. Even long conversations about other people. I think that you may be seeing "bragging" when the child is hoping for "acceptance." Even if the child IS trying to play one family against the other, acceptance will put a stop to that as well.

I had to listen to a lot of talk about the "other family." It was hard at times. I felt like I was maybe being judged. I had a lot of feelings that were confused and unpleasant. But ultimately I had to understand that the child wants to talk about their lives. The child went swimming, she ate out. Ask for details. Listen. Accept. Help your children to listen and care also.

I learned a lot about my daughter from what she told me about her time with other people. I learned about things I didn't know, such as my ex's hobby (short-wave radio) and her stepmother's skills (gardening). How they struggled finding a good painter for their house. How their son joined t-ball. I would be interested in these topics if they were small-talk with an acquaintance, why not within the extended/blended family? I'm glad for them. They matter to my daughter and that matters to me. I want people to be happy.

It isn't good for people to have to compartmentalize their lives like you are requesting, especially not good for children. Can you try to change you perspective and model this for all the children as well.
 
#3 ·
It sounds like she is kind of trying to pull the two halves of her life together, which makes sense.

You are talking about the 7-year-old? I do think she is old enough that it is reasonable to ask her to not brag about fun things in front of your kids if she is truly just trying to make them jealous in a mean spirited way (i.e. "Haha, I get to do xyz and you don't!")

However, if she is just explaining what she is up to when she's with her other family, then I wouldn't ask her to "keep it short" etc. Maybe encourage your kids to ask clarifying questions if they don't get what she is talking about, and gently explain to her that she might need to explain who is who since your kids don't know them.

And if it's not bothering your kids, then I wouldn't worry about it. If they start to question why she gets to do certain things, remind them that it works both ways.

It might help to look at it at another angle-don't you want to know what your kids get up to with their dad and his family, even if you don't always get the nuances? Even if it feels strange and sometimes painful to hear about how much fun they had doing this or seeing that person? I know I do! And my kids always like to hear what I did when they are at their dad's. It's weird to be separated from the people you love on a regular basis and not have them know what is going on in your life-I think your dsd is just trying to fill in the blanks as best she can :)
 
#4 ·
i do think most of it is just innocent but i do have instances where i ask her to not mention things and she does anyway. Like i took her out to eat and asked her not to tell my kids (because we do not eat out much at all) and she did anyway, which upset my kids... I have alone time with her and her sister once in a week when my kids are with their dad. We try our best not to make any of the kids feel left out when they are away but she is the only one that will often bring up stuff that we ask her not to, like the eating out, or going swimming my kids are not home or going to dp's mom's etc. When the tables are turned she will get in a big huff if she is left out or thinks she is left out of things when she is not here . I don't know how to deal with the transistioning of the kids when she is the one mostly bringing up the exclusion, or telling my kids when she is doing something they are not and getting the most upset about the exclusion when she is not involved. I have heard her say thats not fair a thousand times, but she has gotten better about that.
 
#5 · (Edited)
i do have instances where i ask her to not mention things and she does anyway.
Why do you ask her?

I don't see any reason to ask her not to talk about things in her personal life, she's part of your family. If I was in a relationship with someone who asked me not to talk about myself or to limit my topics or duration I wouldn't value that relationship very highly. It sounds disrespectful and hurtful and not right for families.

The child wants to talk to people. Even if it is bragging, transfigure that for her into trust, acceptance, and sharing, because that's what you do in your family. You care, for longer than 15 minutes or hours or years. You are the authority figure in this relationship, can you try more kindly leadership and guidance, maybe she would like to spend one-on-one time with you to get her bearings and you can show her how to have respectful sharing relationships in your family.

I also don't understand the concept of being "left out" - the family is obviously blended so it makes no sense to axe out everything that doesn't occur when a sibling isn't physically present. If the family dynamic was more sharing then every person's experience would enrich the others. When One family member has an opportunity then other people in the family can learn from it and even take pride in it.

Can you just shrug off these huffs. Children shouldn't be this competitive. Give real attention to each child in the completeness of their lives and gently redirect that sounds like jealousy into a sharing and mutually beneficial relationship for all.

That's what people generally talk about isn't it? When people get together, one will say how they did something interesting and the others will listen and tell of their lives also. Just being social. So the family is a good place to start with this prosocial behavior.
 
#8 ·
also one issue we have that may be adhd related her lack of empathy. She often gets super emotional when she is hurt but her filter for others feelings is off kilter. It is actually one of the biggest struggles she has other than attention. I always assumed it was adhd related, we have tried hard to teach her that her actions can hurt others feelings. (ie her bragging about things) I did not think bragging to other kids was a good character trait?
 
#9 ·
If the child is talking to you then she wants you to care or at least pay attention to her in a way that she feels is lacking in her life, it seems to me, and there may be other problems too, including emotional problems, that could be addressed as well, but at least she's talking to someone and not talking to strangers on the computer if she really does need attention. There may be problems she wants help with. If you think she's acting out inappropriately then can you help her? Just because she may have this disability or whatever reason means she needs better help to overcome. If you can change your family dynamic every one learns to keep the peace because of familial love and respect, it doesn't have to be constantly reinforced. This is the ideal to shoot for anyway. And also keep your focus on your relationships with the child and try to stay out of the family dynamics among adult or the other children, extended family, etc, or as LOTM said trust will be lost in the family and you will lose your leadership role in the family.
 
#11 ·
Originally Posted by kindofcrunchy82
But in terms of bragging or not being fair there are many times i can't help situations, like when dsd's mom drops them off with donuts just for them and my kids are there to watch them eat it and not get any...

That's just crappy.

^^ Yes it is.

One way to handle it was like my small daycare used to do, which was that anything other than a modest lunch and treat, things such as like cakes, donuts, bags of cookies, etc had to be shared equally among all the children. So parents learned (and were told) that there should be enough for everyone or none at all, because even if every kid got only one mouthful that was the policy. So can you have a fresh stock of nice chocolates or ice cream treats (and I'm not even a fan of treats, but in this situation I think that it would be warranted), so that when this sort of things happens you can ask everyone to bring their treats at the table together and "catch up" on the adventures during the time apart, ask "would you like to share half your donut for half of my chocolate bar? These chocolates are so good, I just found them last week," make a point of offering an even exchange. Or if one person went on a big trip and the others didn't you can give a candy to everyone for sharing time so that at least they all have the same treat in front of them that will engage them equally and make the sharing feel happy for everyone. And then steer the conversation into a balanced sharing time. Just a thought. It sounds like you will have to be creative and put your heart into it. A donut isn't everything, and you can certainly make that apparent.
 
#12 ·
Yeah, the donuts thing is where I'd pull a "My house, my rules." If Mom wants only her kids to have the donuts, they can eat them when they're with her. I'd cut them all in half and let everyone have some, or let the kids who have donuts, put them in the freezer for another time when allt he kids aren't home (probably gross, but they'd learn to share next time) It sounds like the mom is purposely trying to stir up drama on that.

It might help to bring a little structure into the conversation. One thing we do is a round-robin at supper time and everyone answers what their favourite part of the day was. It makes sure everyone gets a chance to speak, because some of us are a lot more chatty than others and the quiet ones can't get a word in otherwise. Playing a question game where everyone takes a turn answering will at least break up the bragging a little bit.

I like hearing about what the kids did during their visit, but I get frustrated with the random details about my ex's life, like what vehicle repairs he's done recently or his opinions on things happening in his community. Sometimes it's clear that it's something they think is funny and they're trying to get me to engage in ridiculing their father with them. That's not how I want to 'bond' with them, so I just change the subject... but it makes me wonder what kind of conversations go on at his house. I have a feeling he has a grand old time trashing onour side of the family with the kids. They're always super nasty to their baby sister for a short time when we get them back, and then dote on her like they're trying to quell their guilty feelings.
 
#13 ·
grh i just wrote a long post and it is gone...

linda-no dsd is not on adhd meds. Dp is trying to avoid them. She has improved a lot this past year but i do think a lot her issues i named are related to her adhd. she has a really really hard time interacting with older kids, like my ds who is 9 and her moms boyfriends daughter also 9. Dp's ex said her boyfriends daughter no longer wants to come over to dsds moms and boyfriends house because of dsd's behavior. we put a lock on ds's door so he could get away from dsd's. It is one of the biggest issues is her social interactions. She is always having the little ones do things that are against the rules and lies a lot to both dp and i when things happen.

mummoth-i like the round robin idea. I will keep that in mind. Ds gets hardly a word in in our house because he is much quieter than the girls it would be nice to let him get a chance to talk. He is also the most well behaved...he is the oldest but he has always been a really easy kid, he is a good role model but the girls overwhelm him he prefer not to engage with them much.
 
#14 ·
Since she's being oppositional, you can look into dealing with oppositional and defiant behaviors. Sometimes the cause is in other environments or trying to reconcile opposing values in families that causes kids to act this way.

Can you try to see this as a problem for your family that is a concern to you and that you hope to correct, respond on a "higher plane" than opposing her opposition. I don't have experience in this regard but it happens sometimes in families of all kinds and there should be some books about it. I know that one thing that is hard for kids to do is accept multiple points of view or situations with opposition. It's psychologically below their level of development.

[I'm going to digress here and ask for a cultural move away from the "hero's tale" as narrative. It's only one metaphysics and not a terribly cooperative one. A culture infused with the Protagonist/Antagonist storyline, I think, is making competitive unhappy people. Can we have better stories, please, for children and adults, that offer insights and options, such as cooperation and power-sharing.]

Any parent in a blended family is probably going to face the challenge of "what am I supposed to do about why you adult people don't agree," on diet, religion, socioeconomic status, etc.

Everyone has to have their limits, I think, and maintain themselves and the household. But also to somehow achieve the juggling act that fairness isn't the only way to look at things. Being effective is a more "effective" approach, so if people feel there are more benefits in the commitment of getting along then the size of the donut serving isn't going to matter to anyone. Having something nice is a great opportunity to show you care by sharing with others. It's a better mindset within families, I think, than this the competitive mindset.

Sometimes I just had to say to my child, and myself, what the heck, "I don't know why things are like that or what we can do about it right now. Maybe we can think it's not such an important problem and put our attention on something else, like making brownies or taking a hike." And maybe we can also think about it in a reasonable proportion over time and try to change our lives too. .
 
#15 ·
she was evaluated for ODD and Dp said she didn't getting marks on it. I don't know what more I can do personally. Her treatment is handled by dp and his ex even though I spend more time with her as a whole, especially with it being summer, in a week she will spend most her time at school again.

we have tried round robin as as Linda suggested. It has gone as expected. The girls talk over me and ds a lot when we are trying to have our turn.
 
#16 ·
Maybe just be firm about respect in your household. If someone is talking out of turn then they're excused, and have to leave their donut for another time when they're acting more civilly. Do you discipline (not punish, but set rules, model them enforce them?) equally among the children. Oppositional behavior is finding a way to oppose something you fear, dislike, are taught to dislike. If the child is opposing and you react by rejecting or accepting her stance then you can try to help by accepting her with humor. As if she is your own child and not special and different because she's acting out. When my friend's daughter got really heated up at that age she laughed and treated kindly like an impolite auntie. She might have said to your stepdaughter: Don't blow your stack, dear, Have a seat and listen to what X is saying, you never know when this information might come in handy. We are eager to hear from you too. Be quiet and eat your donut and let's get on with the story, everyone be brief so everyone else gets to talk. That goes for the adults too."

Also can you get your partner involved? You said DP is eager to keep the peace, is that your partner? Well this behavior isn't keeping the peace. He needs to - more than you - enforce "my house my rules." Welcome her at the door - "what did you bring me dear? Donuts? Yum! Into the freezer with them and you can have one in your lunch every day til they're gone. You know the rules, we keep the peace in my household."

It's possible the child isn't eating the donuts and is waiting to flaunt them, not that they're being sent. If the child really felt badly about having them when others didn't she would hide them and sneak them. Or throw them away. Or "forget" them in the car. So it seems that proper behavior standards need to be modeled and enforced. That may meant a lot of tantrums and the point is to welcome happily with mutual respect, not punish. There has to be some book or resource to help you. You'd be surprised how quickly things can turn around for children once they get permission and modeling to behave differently.

I hope things work out well for your family.
 
#17 ·
in general the round robin has helped quite a bit to reduce the bragging. Older dsd still does it some, but not as much. The kids quite enjoy round robin and expect it at 1-2 meals a day. Great suggestion.
 
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