Telling the exes about wedding? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 03-07-2017, 08:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Telling the exes about wedding?

My kids' father is aware of SO's and mine's engagement. He wished us well.

Should SS's mother be told? I don't really think it's any of her business... but SO thinks she has a right to know.

To me, whether we're married or not shouldn't make a difference - BM is aware SO and I live together.

She threw up a huge stink during the early days of SO's and my relationship and demanded she meet me, because she had a right to know who her son was around...

I refused to meet her, purely on that demand alone.

SO is just as much a responsible parent to his child.
SO is just as capable of making decisions as to who his son should or shouldn't be around.

BM doesn't get to "interview" me for the role of SO's girlfriend.

Don't get me wrong - I understand her point of view... and I would have been happy to meet her... but I wasn't gonig to give in to such a ridiculous demand... I told SO it made me feel like she believed SO needed her approval to date me. SO was on the same page as me, and agreed that there was no need for a formal "meeting", that I'd meet her eventually, in passing, at something we are both at, like a school play or something.

Anyway - she's since dropped it... but... should she be told about our engagement and/or wedding?
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#2 of 19 Old 03-07-2017, 10:31 AM
 
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I believe you should tell her.
There's nothing to gain from keeping your engagement a secret, other than hurting her feelings. You might also create the potential for a very awkward, angry situation when the information eventually comes out.

By telling her you set a good example for your children about how people should be treated - with honesty and respect. That's a gain for all of you.

Taking in to consideration your finacee's child - would it put him in an awkward position if he knows about the engagement but his mother doesn't? What would be the result if he told his mother about your engagement instead of your fiancée? How would that play out? What good would come of it? What would he learn?
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#3 of 19 Old 03-07-2017, 10:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I believe you should tell her.
There's nothing to gain from keeping your engagement a secret, other than hurting her feelings. You might also create the potential for a very awkward, angry situation when the information eventually comes out.

By telling her you set a good example for your children about how people should be treated - with honesty and respect. That's a gain for all of you.

Taking in to consideration your finacee's child - would it put him in an awkward position if he knows about the engagement but his mother doesn't? What would be the result if he told his mother about your engagement instead of your fiancée? How would that play out? What good would come of it? What would he learn?
We're not keeping it a secret from her, we just haven't gone out of our way to tell her. I'm not super worried about SS telling his mom, he's only 3 1/2. Well, he'll be 4 in June.

Here's another odd dynamic... BM and her parents aren't on speaking terms, since early November.

Since that time, SO and I have gone out for breakfast twice with BM's parents, so that they could see SS and spend a little time with him. There's NO WAY BM's mother didn't see my ring, we sat next to each other both times.

BM may very well already know... who knows. I don't mind BM knowing about it, I just don't want to deal with her craycray I guess
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#4 of 19 Old 03-17-2017, 12:33 PM
 
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I was just on the other side of this. My ex husband wrote my an email that he was was getting married that day, and I wasn't even aware of the engagement. We have an extremely amicable relationship, so I am not sure why he didn't share this but I would have appreciated knowing what's going on and not being surprised like that. I understand now wanting to deal with any repercussions but she will find out late anyway so I think you should tell her (IMO).
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#5 of 19 Old 03-17-2017, 04:28 PM
 
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I've also been on the other side and was not told. Actually had an argument with my kids saying that he wasn't married and then weeks later he was wearing a ring and said they'd had a civil union over a month before (but no party).

We are super amicable with minimal drama (any drama there has been usually came from him) and I was completely shocked that he didn't mention it, as I knew they were engaged.

a super casual heads up would be good.


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#6 of 19 Old 03-22-2017, 04:19 PM
 
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I think it's only common manners to tell an ex spouse, who is still in contact due to children, that you are marrying. More to the point, it's vindictive and petty to not do so.

It kind of seems to me that maybe you are contributing to the "craycray '. I know I wanted to meet my exh's gf (the woman who he had an affair with, now lives with and has a daughter with) and I am very happy she agreed. These two people share a child. Be an adult and help facilitate a healthy co-parenting relationship? Doesn't that actually seem pretty reasonable?

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#7 of 19 Old 06-16-2017, 05:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think it's only common manners to tell an ex spouse, who is still in contact due to children, that you are marrying. More to the point, it's vindictive and petty to not do so.

It kind of seems to me that maybe you are contributing to the "craycray '. I know I wanted to meet my exh's gf (the woman who he had an affair with, now lives with and has a daughter with) and I am very happy she agreed. These two people share a child. Be an adult and help facilitate a healthy co-parenting relationship? Doesn't that actually seem pretty reasonable?
I don't see how meeting her would help facilitate a healthy co-parenting relationship... SHE parents with HIM... not with US... it's not going to be her and I coordinating stuff, it's not going to be her asking me if I can pick up the kid somewhere... that's between them. I only support SO's side... and if he says that BM thinks one thing and he things the other, he'll tell me both sides for my opinion (without telling me who said what) and will make a decision after that.

I understand, as a mother, wanting to meet someone who is in your child's life... but I don't have my head stuck far enough up my own butt to believe that my opinion of my ex's girlfriend actually matters, or that I have a say in how she behaves in her own home, whether my kids are around or not. My ex is just as much of a parent as I am, and if he believes his girlfriend is a decent enough person to be in his life and thus my kids lives, who the hell am I to even have an opinion? Just an ex.

Same deal here...meeting me won't accomplish anything - it's just an opportunity for her to give me the up and down, and probably bitch to SO about something or other... like her opinion actually matters.

If you didn't have kids, would YOU break from a relationship if your ex decided he didn't like your current partner? What the hell makes it different if you do have kids? Suddenly your ex has a say in your happiness? Please.

Thanks for your input, though... I will be an adult - which means I will let the actual parents be the parents, and not be childish enough to involve myself as if I had say in their parenting....
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#8 of 19 Old 06-18-2017, 08:01 AM
 
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Why have you asked for advice, and when most people give the same advice you argue against it? You seem to not understand that when a couple share children, they have to be able to deal with each other for years even if they divorce. Take the high road, make life easier for your partner or be bull headed and fuel the fire. Totally up to you.
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#9 of 19 Old 08-22-2017, 08:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Why have you asked for advice, and when most people give the same advice you argue against it? You seem to not understand that when a couple share children, they have to be able to deal with each other for years even if they divorce. Take the high road, make life easier for your partner or be bull headed and fuel the fire. Totally up to you.
I wasn't being given advice, I was being offered a new belief system then chastised for disagreeing with the belief system as a whole. Just because they have to deal with each other, doesn't mean they deserve the courtesy of being intimately acquainted with the ins and out of each other's personal lives.

It's like asking for advice on which type of formula to choose from and getting a "breast is best" answer. I didn't ask for advice on whether they should get along. Thanks to the answers that provided reasons to their own beliefs, rather than teling me my belief is wrong and I'm doing things wrong... right for you doesn't mean wrong for everyone else.

I don't understand how she "deserves" a head's up, just because she is someone who SO was unfortunate enough to knock up. He doesn't want her in his life... he only "deals with her" when it comes to things about SS - he doesn't even want to say Hi to her, and more often than not, he doesn't... he doesn't care whether her feelings are hurt - she still wants him, she's going to be hurt regardless.

In any case - the wedding is 2 weekends from now... she still doesn't know... we still haven't told her... she'll find out on facebook, I suppose, when she goes off on another page stalking bender... She's already accidentally requested my "friendship" twice, and accidentally "liked" a picture I posted of SO... so I've blocked her... but her and I have some mutual friends, so she's bound to see it anyway.
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#10 of 19 Old 08-22-2017, 12:03 PM
 
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Telling the exes about wedding?

You specifically asked in your original post whether your DSS's mother should be told about your wedding. The unanimous response was yes. Were you perhaps looking for validation rather than advice/opinions?

You also said that your SO thinks she should be told and that "he co-parents with her" not you. So maybe you should leave it up to him.

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#11 of 19 Old 08-23-2017, 12:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You specifically asked in your original post whether your DSS's mother should be told about your wedding. The unanimous response was yes. Were you perhaps looking for validation rather than advice/opinions?

You also said that your SO thinks she should be told and that "he co-parents with her" not you. So maybe you should leave it up to him.

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The unanimous response was yes - but the reasons as to why were generally so that her feefees wouldn't be hurt.

I don't see why we should be concerned about hurting her feelings. She wouldn't have hurt feelings if she didn't still have feelings for SO... I've found out a few of my exes went on to get married... good for them - it's none of my business...

I understand that she is SS's mother - I get that - but that's the ONLY thing tying her to SO. He hasn't told any other ex about our wedding... why should he tell her? What difference does it REALLY make? She knows we're together, she knows we live together.... what is, really, the motivation behind her supposed "deserving to know" we signed papers to make our commitment official?

He didn't even call all his siblings to let them know. Why should she get more consideration? It doesn't affect her in any way, shape or form....

and I don't think this has anything to do with co-parenting. The fact we will now be husband and wife has NO bearing whatsoever on how they co-parent SS. None. This is personal information that he would be sharing... no different, in my eyes, as telling her about my benefits package, or financial status.
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#12 of 19 Old 08-23-2017, 06:07 PM
 
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I guess it's about doing what you can to foster an amiable relationship between the three of you for the sake of DSS (although surely everyone benefits when things are pleasant and easy).

The difference between you and your partner's relationship status and your personal financial matters is that the latter doesn't directly impact her son. And while it may be true that getting married won't change the way he is parented day by day it does mark, at the very least, a formalisation in the permanence of your relationship. Even though you have committed to one another already the wedding day is a public declaration of that commitment. Depending on how your DSS views things, this may mean nothing to him, it may be exciting or reassuring or it may represent the dying of his last hope that his parents might get back together. These things matter to his mother. It is not easy to let your child go to other people (as I'm sure your SO is aware) and not know what they are doing how they are feeling etc. Even if you have every confidence in the people caring for them, it's still not easy. I would find it very difficult knowing that my child was spending significant amounts of time with someone who held me in as much contempt as you seem to hold DSS's mother. You and SO are getting married. He has chosen to be with you, not her. You, presumably or you wouldn't be getting married, have a good relationship. Why then, can't you afford to be generous with the mother of your soon-to-be stepson and keep her informed about family stuff. Whether you like it or not you are all part of DSS's family.


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#13 of 19 Old 08-24-2017, 04:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Katelove I understand what you are saying - but I have to disagree on something you said:

The difference between you and your partner's relationship status and your personal financial matters is that the latter doesn't directly impact her son. And while it may be true that getting married won't change the way he is parented day by day it does mark, at the very least, a formalization in the permanence of your relationship. Even though you have committed to one another already the wedding day is a public declaration of that commitment. Depending on how your DSS views things, this may mean nothing to him, it may be exciting or reassuring or it may represent the dying of his last hope that his parents might get back together. These things matter to his mother.

I disagree because my financial status ABSOLUTELY directly impacts her son, because many of the things her son has access to comes from me... whereas the relationship status, honestly, hasn't really changed since SS was less than a year old... we'd moved in together before SS was 1...and So's essentially had full custody of SS since SS was barely a little older than 1... New clothes, food, a bedroom... Yes, SO supports his son too, but the way he supports his son is he makes a contribution into the household (in other words, he gives me money) and I then take the funds and spend them accordingly - he gives me 800$ a month... and that's for his share of rent/groceries/bills. Rent alone is 1700$ a month... there's 6 of us in the household, it's not a cheap grocery bill. It impacts her son much more than whether or not we're married... TO HER, it might mean different, I'll acknowledge that - but I don't feel she deserves any more consideration to be aware than any other ex that might not have let go of SO. She can't be "more hurt" just because she has his child... the only difference is that she could take it out on the boy.

SS isn't old enough to understand the dynamics, and I've been in his life long enough that he doesn't remember it being any other way... I've pretty much always been in his life, he's pretty much always stayed with SO and me... BM is but a visitor in SS's life, to be honest. I find it difficult to be generous enough to keep her informed about having made our relationship "permanent" when she can't be generous enough to have her son more than a few hours a week... she might have birthed him, but he is "my" son.

I understand that it might be difficult to have her son be with other people... but really, she should have thought of that when she gave SO custody... dropping off a one year old baby then only seeing him a few hours a week doesn't really make a mother. She thought it just fine to ditch the kid on us when he was very young... despite her tantrums about wanting to know who I was, she still did it... I hardly think she's concerned about me, she hasn't even seen her son in 3 weeks. She lives less than a 10 minute drive away, and doesn't work. If she wants to claim "rights" as the mother, maybe she should act like one... then maybe I'd be more inclined to give her the consideration I'd give if she wasn't such a twit....

In any case, we think she might actually be aware of the upcoming wedding, because she texted SO something vague about how he better send her pictures of SS dressed up. He didn't respond.

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#14 of 19 Old 08-24-2017, 06:04 AM
 
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I don't know every detail of the dynamic of the relationship, of course, but at first, and now second, glance at this thread, you and your SO sound petty and childish. That's really sad for the child. Please try to be better. She is his mother. He can divorce you and you will never see the child again. The ex will always be the child's mother no matter the status of the relationship with the dad. If you don't change your attitude toward her you will hurt this poor, innocent child.

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(A mom whose babydaddy tried to keep his wedding a secret from me even though his SO and I got along fine and I had no beef with them or their marriage, especially considering I had remarried first.)
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#15 of 19 Old 08-24-2017, 12:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know every detail of the dynamic of the relationship, of course, but at first, and now second, glance at this thread, you and your SO sound petty and childish. That's really sad for the child. Please try to be better. She is his mother. He can divorce you and you will never see the child again. The ex will always be the child's mother no matter the status of the relationship with the dad. If you don't change your attitude toward her you will hurt this poor, innocent child.

BWB,
(A mom whose babydaddy tried to keep his wedding a secret from me even though his SO and I got along fine and I had no beef with them or their marriage, especially considering I had remarried first.)

It's sad sad sad when some random ho thinks she has a say in a man's personal life just because she got knocked up.

If she gave a shit about her son, I could understand... but she doesn't... so I don't.
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#16 of 19 Old 08-24-2017, 01:31 PM
 
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If she gave a shit about her son, I could understand... but she doesn't... so I don't.

I'm still wondering then, what was your intent when starting this thread?



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#17 of 19 Old 08-24-2017, 01:34 PM
 
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It's sad sad sad when some random ho thinks she has a say in a man's personal life just because she got knocked up.

If she gave a shit about her son, I could understand... but she doesn't... so I don't.
Of course she doesn't have a say in who he marries but this isn't about her. This is about you. Calling your stb step son's biological mother a ho says way more about you than you realize. In fact, if your comments ever became known to a family court judge, they could cause your stb dh quite a bit of trouble.

You are the one with the problem here, not the bio mom. Again, I beseech you: Please be better.

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#18 of 19 Old 08-27-2017, 03:08 PM
 
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Um,...shouldn't SO tell her? You dont have to do it, but he should. It impacts the kid/s. He co parents does he not?
I dont care how craycray she is, nor whether or not she gets paid money for having sex(ie, a ho) or how indifferent you are to her feefees...

Get your man to do the right thing. You're right, you shouldn't be wasting your time doing it.

Why are you even asking the question? Why isnt your man doing it?

(Let me guess, he wouldn't be interested in this website)
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#19 of 19 Old 08-29-2017, 02:05 PM
 
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I feel very badly for this kid. He has a mom who apparently doesn't care about him, and a stepmom to be who is very immature and petty. Lady, try to take the high road and be a good example. I agree with the previous poster, telling the child's mother should be his choice, not yours. You seem to like to stir the pot. Not a good idea when a child is involved. Your attitude to his mother will be seen by him, and no matter what his mom is like, your behavior is a great example of parental alienation.

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