Katelove I understand what you are saying - but I have to disagree on something you said:
The difference between you and your partner's relationship status and your personal financial matters is that the latter doesn't directly impact her son. And while it may be true that getting married won't change the way he is parented day by day it does mark, at the very least, a formalization in the permanence of your relationship. Even though you have committed to one another already the wedding day is a public declaration of that commitment. Depending on how your DSS views things, this may mean nothing to him, it may be exciting or reassuring or it may represent the dying of his last hope that his parents might get back together. These things matter to his mother.
I disagree because my financial status ABSOLUTELY directly impacts her son, because many of the things her son has access to comes from me... whereas the relationship status, honestly, hasn't really changed since SS was less than a year old... we'd moved in together before SS was 1...and So's essentially had full custody of SS since SS was barely a little older than 1... New clothes, food, a bedroom... Yes, SO supports his son too, but the way he supports his son is he makes a contribution into the household (in other words, he gives me money) and I then take the funds and spend them accordingly - he gives me 800$ a month... and that's for his share of rent/groceries/bills. Rent alone is 1700$ a month... there's 6 of us in the household, it's not a cheap grocery bill. It impacts her son much more than whether or not we're married... TO HER, it might mean different, I'll acknowledge that - but I don't feel she deserves any more consideration to be aware than any other ex that might not have let go of SO. She can't be "more hurt" just because she has his child... the only difference is that she could take it out on the boy.
SS isn't old enough to understand the dynamics, and I've been in his life long enough that he doesn't remember it being any other way... I've pretty much always been in his life, he's pretty much always stayed with SO and me... BM is but a visitor in SS's life, to be honest. I find it difficult to be generous enough to keep her informed about having made our relationship "permanent" when she can't be generous enough to have her son more than a few hours a week... she might have birthed him, but he is "my" son.
I understand that it might be difficult to have her son be with other people... but really, she should have thought of that when she gave SO custody... dropping off a one year old baby then only seeing him a few hours a week doesn't really make a mother. She thought it just fine to ditch the kid on us when he was very young... despite her tantrums about wanting to know who I was, she still did it... I hardly think she's concerned about me, she hasn't even seen her son in 3 weeks. She lives less than a 10 minute drive away, and doesn't work. If she wants to claim "rights" as the mother, maybe she should act like one... then maybe I'd be more inclined to give her the consideration I'd give if she wasn't such a twit....
In any case, we think she might actually be aware of the upcoming wedding, because she texted SO something vague about how he better send her pictures of SS dressed up. He didn't respond.
Last edited by zarine; 08-24-2017 at 04:51 AM.