are your families accepting of your blended family? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 04-20-2005, 06:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Mine isnt. Well, not comepletely anyway. Dh family is wonderful (with the exception of 1 brother and sil). It drives me crazy! My mom is the worst!

She remembers all bdays and finally spends equal $ (she used to spend over $100 on only 1 of my kids and the others got squat) but she's only doing it b/c I told her to accept all or see none of us - including me. But she still throws little comments here and there. I've tried talking to her but she doesnt get it. Oh well. My sis is the same way. My kids are treated somewhat equal by them but then I get the "my, he's pretty stupid, thank god he's not yours" when they kids leave the room.
I have talked to them and said they ARE my kids but they dont get it. They never will. Sometimes I just want to disown them

Anyway, dh parents took my ds in with open arms and he became their grandson with that first meeting. As well as one of dh brothers. The other....well, not so much. They're nice, just not aunt/uncle nice you know?

Well, thats my story, what about you ladies?
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#2 of 16 Old 04-20-2005, 07:32 PM
 
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Hmm. Bit of a mixed bag. I have a daughter who is 3 and two stepdaughters, who are 5 and 8.

If the stepdd's are with us for holidays, my side of the family will send presents for them, but usually smaller than for my daughter. Not great. And nothing for the holidays they're not with us.

My husband's family only sends their gifts to his ex's home, even if they are with us for Christmas or whatever, because they don't want to tick her off and always seem mildly surprised when they're actually with us for the holiday. They still have many cultural issues with his having sought a divorce. However, they do send gifts for my daughter on holidays.

My husband's brother and his wife give gifts to my stepdaughters, but not to my daughter, as they've never acknowledged her.

Gee, when you look at it laid out like that, it really sucks. Good thing we don't have to deal with extended family too often.
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#3 of 16 Old 04-20-2005, 08:31 PM
 
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My mom was stepmom to my (half) brother and sister so she was a good role model for me, plus she is very sensitive to the issues. The day we got married my parents gave dss a gift and said they were so happy to have a new grandson. I think he was more excited about having more grandparents than he was about the wedding. He calls them grandma and grandpa. We live a block away so he sees them each day while his bio grandpa (dh's dad) calls about once a year and his mom's dad hasn't seen him since he was 2 so. . . however, though they spend time together, he was 5 when we married so he is a lot closer to dh's mom. He isn't cuddly with them or anything though he does like to visit with them.
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#4 of 16 Old 04-21-2005, 09:31 AM
 
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#5 of 16 Old 04-21-2005, 11:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It makes me so sad when extended stepfamilies think there's some benefit to withholding love from children that don't share their genetic material.
I agree......

On the other extended side....

My ex is remarried and I'm happy to say that his wifes family has accepted my ds. He loves his new grandparents and his all of his new cousins and aunts and uncles. I have to say, his step mom is great to him!

I guess, it all confuses me. Heres two people who accept him as a grandchild when their daughter only sees him 2x a month and my mom cant (wont) acknowledge my *new* kids and they live with me full time!

So, what to do then?
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#6 of 16 Old 04-21-2005, 12:08 PM
 
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O I feel so lucky, my mil accepts my 2 kids as well as any of herr "real" grandchildren. I found however that all was much better after my dh and I had a child together it seemed to close the gap. My mil is better to the kids than my mom is??? If someone was to ask my mil or fil how many grandchildren they have they even include the 2 step children! It makes me so sad to see the sinerios you mamas are in I dont know if me and dh would have made it without his familys support. As a single mom i was very protective of my children and it would have hurt my feelings so much if my children were treated as outsiders. Do the children notiice the differences or just u?

Jodie
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#7 of 16 Old 04-21-2005, 12:41 PM
 
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My MIL was awful for a long time. She said she had 1 grandchild (when I had 4 children), she barely acknowleged my other children. She did buy them all gifts on their birthdays and Christmas, but it never was quite as "loving" as the things she got for "her grandbaby". My dh finally had a talk with her about it and told her that he had 4 children, that if she could not accept them all that she would see none. Now, wile I know in my heart that she doesn't have the same feelings for my first 3 that she has for my (now) younger 2, she does treat them all with the same respect, and I guess that's all that I can ask for.

However, my oldest dd's dad remarried a few years ago. They have 2 children (well, technically the older one is theirs, the younger one is hers with another man...there was a long seperation before they were married...long story). We spend Christmas', Thanksgivings, Easters, birthdays, etc together. We babysit for each other, we buy each others kids gifts, we are all one big happy family. We love each other, we fight with each other, we hang out with each other, we have barbeques together. We have never once considered that all of our children are not related. Once, it was suggested by someone that my ex and I still wanted to be together. We balked as if sleeping together would be the most absurd thing ever...even though, obviously it's happened, lol. We're just such good friends and he is just like another family member at this point.
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#8 of 16 Old 04-21-2005, 02:06 PM
 
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My family is fine with it but they live several thousand miles away! But my mother has a long term realtionship with a great man who has 3 kids, who are actually really nice and my mother gets along with them but has had a hard time herself, so she says stuff like "its so difficult" in a sad tone!

Who stole my signature!
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#9 of 16 Old 04-21-2005, 09:31 PM
 
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I'm not sure. I've never asked and I tend to not involve my family in too much of the things with DSS (not very hard since he lives in Oregon and we live in Idaho but in general we don't discuss him with my family). The few times my mom and I have gotten to talking about him she doesn't seem....interested. She's seen pictures and everything but she seems to act like because he isn't mine she doesn't need to pay attention to him or anything like that. We just started talking to DSS again and we haven't really introduced my mom and dad and stepmom to him yet. He's seen pictures of them (except my stepmom) but we haven't formally said, "And this is Grandma and Grandpa so and so", kwim? My sister knows about him and I do keep her updated and let her know what's going on. Other than that my family doesn't associate with that part of us. I suppose when visitation and what not gets more solid and established they might but for now...... my stepmom does have an interest but I think that's more out of her love for any small child under 6. I've never really talked about DSS to my dad, I assume he knows about him but it's never been brought up. Man, now that I've typed all that out it sounds worse than it is. :LOL I think we need to integrate DSS some more. It's hard though you know? He lives in another state and communication just got started again. Ask me again in a few months.

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#10 of 16 Old 05-01-2005, 11:44 PM
 
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When we were first married my family made every attempt to accept and include my stepkids. However, they were once again not given permission by their mother to participate in blending into a new family. At every turn, she made sure they were told that I had no importance in their lives nor were they allowed to acknowledge their step-siblings, step-aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My dss called my parents by their first names, and my dsd wouldn't even speak to any of my family members. They were young adults and this made it very difficult due to the fact that my dh was dealing with his guilt issues and fending off his ex's lies that she fed the kids so blending became nearly impossible. Fortunately my dss was able to see past his mother's manipulation and insecurities and was more receptive to being part of a loving family, but his sister is a lost cause.
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#11 of 16 Old 05-03-2005, 01:48 AM
 
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My mom and step dad love my SO's boys. They love playing with them when we bring them over, and love hearing about them. SO's parents would prefer to believe me and my daughter and the baby on the way do not exsist. Not sure they even know my daughters name or know i even have one!
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#12 of 16 Old 05-10-2005, 04:32 PM
 
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My family adore my dss. The kid is so spoiled. He loves having 3 sets of grandparents and the advantage of being the only grandkid in my family. When we got married, he was only 1 yr (dh's X broke up with him when she got preg.) and my parents were ready for grandkids.

The funny thing is dh's ex hates it. When we told her we were taking him to visit my parents in a gorgeous part of the country (as is our right with our time with him), her response was "Why? Its not like they're his real family." Ug, can you believe it? Wouldn't you just love that people adore your kid? Am I missing something, because her reaction still bothers me? Please, let me know if I am.

Its just that my family loves children and realize that when and if dh and I have kids that they want no hurt feelings or egos. Plus, they just love him as the unique individual he is.

Oh, & my mil married a man with 6- 30 something year old kids the year my dss was born (dh's dad died when he was young), so she went from 0-7 grandkids in a year. Now she is up to 11 and she treats them all spectacularly. I really don't know how she does it. My dss gets more stuff in the mail that's not junk than anyone I know and she does that for all 11 of them. I call her the Hallmark queen. She even has to travel a ton a business and sends them all postcards from where ever she is. She one of my heros. My family just does big gestures on important events. My mother is in awe and just doesn't know who can measure up to the Hallmark lady.
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#13 of 16 Old 06-06-2005, 09:50 PM
 
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How about when they are so accepting that it becomes an issue with DH?

He and his bio-teenage boys have ALL kinds of issues and problems. So much so, that the boys who were living with us the past 3 years are moving back to Panama with their mom. DH feels my parents side with the boys (against him) because they try to let the boys talk to them and don’t judge them or try to discipline them.

DH’s parents always tried to “talk” to the boys about behaving and helping Dad, etc. Needless to say, the boys soon lost interest in sharing with their bio grandparents. Then, my in-laws betrayed the boys’ confidence by telling DH something they confided about him : , and that was the end of that relationship, pretty much. Now DH resents the fact that the boys are affectionate with my parents (step-grandparents) and not his.

In the beginning it blew my mind when DH would say things about my parents not forgetting that these were not their “real” grandkids. Now I just know that the feelings and pain go so deep, there is not much I can expect that is reasonable and rational.
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#14 of 16 Old 06-08-2005, 11:59 PM
 
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My mother totally acknowledges my future step sons, even in spite of not seeing them that often as they live 2 hours away.
My future mother in law has some issues, she was never supportive of her son divorcing in the first place, and though she and I get along well, and she always treats my children with respect and kindness when they are together, she resents that my fiance spends more time with my children than his own. Even though we spend as much time as my stepsons schedules will allow, even though he spends more time together with them since meeting me than he did since the divorce, she feels he is raising my children and should be raising his own.
We get by, and she understands this is the reality of divorce, but if she had it her way, we would not be remarrying until the last child left home.
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#15 of 16 Old 06-09-2005, 01:40 PM
 
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Both of our families are okay with the situation. But I understand the situation. My mother takes my daughter out with her every Wednesday - they call it Mama's day. She gets to go Toys R Us and pick a toy and they go out for chicken lada mein (chicken lo mein). When they come home I know the three must feel bad, but what are we to do. Our families deserve time with their families without feeling guilty. If it is holiday time, then yes, they have an expectation to do for all of them. You might suggest that they have time alone with that child so there is special treatment and time without the embarrassment and upset during a holiday.
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#16 of 16 Old 06-10-2005, 11:43 AM
 
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I'm so very lucky when it comes to this...DH's parents are DD's grandparents. Period. They don't have any other grandkids yet, but ever since we got married (and before, honestly) DD has been introduced as their granddaughter. They were sooooo excited when the adoption was final and DD became their legal grandchild--because they said she was already their "real" grandchild : There have been a few occasions where someone will say how much DD looks like DH (and what is weird...she does!) and MIL never ever corrects them, she thinks it's neat.

The rest of their family has been great as well, DD and I were just brought right into the family.

Mom to Liz (14) and Dillon (3) and Mitchell FINALLY born 7/11/10!
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