Do you socialize with the EX at family functions? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 22 Old 04-26-2005, 11:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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At the weekend DSD 18 had a party for her 2 yo and we elected not to go as his Ex has been stalking and harassing us for 3 years ever since we got engaged (threatening to show up at the wedding to his brother 300 miles away even!) and really think she would cause a scene, and have elected not to meet and socialize with her.

But both DSS 20 and DSD 18 are getting married soon and I feel we may have to bite the bullet and go, but generally we DO not socialize when the biomom is going to be there, if she was reasonable I would have done.

Do you socialize/are friendly with the ex or bio-parent?

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#2 of 22 Old 04-26-2005, 12:08 PM
 
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Initially, we frequented a bowling alley that the ex and her bf hung out at Dh was on a league that started before we met and his ex routinely hung out at the bar there... After dh's league ended, he convinced me to sign up with him for the next season. All sorts of BAD BAD things happened... : The alley/bar is SO TRASHY and just brought out the worst in us. Dh's kids had been going to the alley every friday pretty much since birth since dh and his ex bowled there. It took a lot of terrible nights w/ and w/o his kids for us to realize we needed to GET OUT OF THERE! We did fratinize with his ex and her bf a number of times. I always felt very uncomfortable

After we left that horrid experience, our marriage has been much more positive. The ex is now engaged to her bf and they still hang out at the nasty trashy alley which is fine but the kids do not spend any time there. The ex has a bit of drinking problem which is another story...

The ex and I are civilized with each other for the children's sake. Dh and the ex are OK but the ex still uses the kids to communicate with dh which is a big no no in divorced relationships. I do not agree with her parenting choices which is the main reason that I do not enjoy being around her. Granted the kids are still much younger than yours so I'm sure I'll have many more opportunities to enjoy her company...

I'm secretly hoping once she gets remarried that we'll get full custody of the kids and she'll be out of our lives

Rhianna momma to ds #1 - 9 & ds #2 - born 10/22/2012

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#3 of 22 Old 04-26-2005, 12:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by rgarlough
I'm secretly hoping once she gets remarried that we'll get full custody of the kids and she'll be out of our lives
We are hoping that we can get custody of the 12 year old (in 5 days) she has lived with him alone for the last 4 years and really done a number on him. The sad thing is she does not want him but wants the childsupport and DHSS for him...

We would love the 15 year old too but he seems happy where he is at except his mother and younger brother have moved in with him and the grandparents as of this week (can we say co-dependent) and he is not too happy about it.

Anyhow will be better for DS12 and maybe we will have one of them come to live with us if it does not work out (and seems like a disaster already as they have 2 girls 12 and 14 living there which are the gf of DH's ex's brother who is also moving back to live there. Yikes!

I hope you get custody and it all works out!

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#4 of 22 Old 04-26-2005, 12:24 PM
 
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We haven't met as they live in Oregon and we are in Idaho. I have talked to her on the phone for about two minutes when contact was first starting and DH does let me read the emails she sends. So not a lot of contact has happened yet. We are going to Oregon in June and will spend some time with DSS which will mean spending time with her and her husband I'm sure. They are also making a trip later on and we are going to try and schedule it so they come through here and we can meet them somewhere. I've seen my stepmom and my mom interact so I know what NOT to do when the time comes. :LOL

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#5 of 22 Old 04-26-2005, 12:29 PM
 
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Yep. In fact, when I went into labor with my 4th child I was at my ex's house celebrating his wife's mother's birthday. Her mom sat in the bedroom massaging my back, she was training to be a doula, until my dh showed up and then showed him how. We spend every holiday together as a family. We buy gifts for each other's other kids. Almost all of the baby clothes for my youngest dd came from my ex's wife's SIL, lol. When they got married, I had a special seat durring the ceremony on my ex's side in the family section.
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#6 of 22 Old 04-26-2005, 12:39 PM
 
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We don't really have a choice - he lives with (get this - ) MY mom and dad. (He rents the 2br apt in their basement but shares their kitchen and does a lot of their yardwork et c)

Thankfully, we have a decently civil, if distant, relationship.
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#7 of 22 Old 04-26-2005, 01:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by wende
Yep. In fact, when I went into labor with my 4th child I was at my ex's house celebrating his wife's mother's birthday. Her mom sat in the bedroom massaging my back, she was training to be a doula, until my dh showed up and then showed him how. We spend every holiday together as a family. We buy gifts for each other's other kids. Almost all of the baby clothes for my youngest dd came from my ex's wife's SIL, lol. When they got married, I had a special seat durring the ceremony on my ex's side in the family section.
Wow thats great and wish we all could be like that! It takes both parites I think though! Well done!

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#8 of 22 Old 04-26-2005, 02:10 PM
 
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I try to keep my distance, and be civil. I feel like I should try harder to have a conversation with her, for the boys, but I can't. It goes against my gut feeling to associate with her, and my gut is never wrong.
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#9 of 22 Old 04-26-2005, 02:27 PM
 
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I was going to say no, we have never been together at a function. We do everything separate-- two birthdays, two christmases, etc. But we have been together at school functions thought usually that is just us. I invited her to dss's birthday this year. It's this weekend. Its really not a big deal to me, I'm nnot at all threatened by her, but it will bother my MIL, and probably my dh who thinks she is just gross. We have an ok relationship now that she stopped drinking. She has a baby now, she bought some of my old baby stuff, and I passed on my maternity and newborn clothes to her. It at least gives us something to civilly talk about. However, my ds tried to grab her baby's bottle and I said, "no" just because she probably doesn't want his mouth on her babe's bottle, right, but she says, "oh, are you trying to wean him off the bottle?" I said, "oh, no, he doesn'teven really know what it is." She was utterly confused. So, we really don't have THAT much to talk about.
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#10 of 22 Old 04-27-2005, 10:53 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Destinye
Wow thats great and wish we all could be like that! It takes both parites I think though! Well done!
Thanks, but believe me, it wasn't always that way. And, like anyone, we don't always get along or agree, but we've worked very hard to be where we are today. My dd is 13 now and I think it's helped her greatly to see us as friends. She was 6 months old when we split up so she's never seen us as anything other than friends. I think that, suprisingly enough, it helped that we were very young when we had her so overcoming the relationship was easy. We didn't have any hard feelings really, we just realized that we were both too young to commit ourselves to one person forever (we were both 15 when she was born). My ex-dh (6yo's dad) and I...well, that's a different story. He and I are civil. We can do birthdays together, but I don't think we will ever be as chummy as my 13yo's dad and I are. The relationship was more mature, as were the problems. Thankfully, I had the first relationship to model after and realized how good it's been for my dd so I can say "look, this is what I want our ds to see" and try to accomplish it, but it's not always easy.
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#11 of 22 Old 04-28-2005, 05:16 PM
 
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My sister is such good friends with her ex and his new wife that she:

Socializes with them

Babysits their new baby

Went on a girls weekend away with her ex's new wife, her ex SIL, a couple of other friends, and my mom!

I think it's great when things can be that civil between exes, but it did take some years to get to that point, though my sister always remained close to her ex SIL and ex MIL
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#12 of 22 Old 04-28-2005, 10:29 PM
 
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I completely admire that.
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#13 of 22 Old 04-28-2005, 10:44 PM
 
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We are finally getting to a place where we can be in the same locale and not glare at each other,lol. We have come a long way, and it is admittedly very hard some times.
We attend baseball games and football, dance competitions, and even spent some time Christmas morning together, but it is not a constant thing.
It is nice that we can all finally put our differences aside long enough to show the kids something positive, and you see the kids affected by this. They love when we are all talking together and getting along, it is almost like the divorce is not so bad, when everyone is finally happy, and no one is fighting.
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#14 of 22 Old 05-09-2005, 06:49 PM
 
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We socialize at school functions, soccer practices/matches, and his birthday party. That is it. She tries to get away as quickly is possible, which is fine. We try to foster and friendly relationship so we don't run out like she does. It has gotten much better as my dss has gotten older. When he was still young enough to be in diapers, she would have a fit if I helped him take his coat off. So not to side track, but it is nice that we have come so far.
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#15 of 22 Old 05-11-2005, 10:26 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wende
She was 6 months old when we split up so she's never seen us as anything other than friends. I think that, suprisingly enough, it helped that we were very young when we had her so overcoming the relationship was easy.
I admire the close relationships that some people have with their X. It would def. make it easier and better. I agree with you, Wende, that it seems easier for kids to get over their parents being split if they never knew them together. My dss asked about it, but it hasn't seemed to really bother him, b/c he never knew any different.
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#16 of 22 Old 05-11-2005, 02:30 PM
 
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For us it comes and goes. There have been times when we've gone to things together, like DSD's graduation dinner, and I've had to be a buffer (within 2 minutes of sitting down at the table, DH and ex started bickering, so he ended up talking to ex's sister, and I had to talk to ex all night...thanks, honey!! : ).

But there have been other times when it has not been as bad. For a couple of years, for the sake of DSD, we worked it out so that we rented the same cabin at a camp that we went to for vacation--ex would take the first week, and we would take the second. That way, DSD got two weeks at camp with her friends, which was the most important thing (I have to say, I thought of that solution, which I was pretty darn proud of, thank you very much!!).

I think, as other posters have said, if you can work it out so that the various adults are reasonably civilized with one another, I think it is best for the kids. But that being said, there were quite a few things that I bowed out of early on, just to keep the peace. I didn't particularly appreciate it, but figured it was easier to do it that way than to risk a public scene, or have all of us be on edge the whole time.

Mia
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#17 of 22 Old 05-13-2005, 02:22 PM
 
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Before I re-married, the ex and I were on very friendly terms. He's never been great about paying child support..not because he didn't deem it necessary or part of his responsibility, but because he has a pretty lax work ethic and sees nothing wrong with quitting a job loooong before he has another lined up.

I know how he is and it's one of the reasons I divorced him, but I didn't hold it against him really after we divorced and I didn't keep the kids from him and always thought it was in the best interest of the kids for us to get along as civilly as possible... so I just looked at him as the immature creaton he is, and we got along just fine

He lives in another state now, but before I re-married, we often took the kids places together (or met up at places rather) and that worked for us.

Now that I'm re-married tho, it's a different story. My current DH hates the ex and his lax manner and there's HUGE tension there. He doesn't want the ex calling the house unless absolutely necessary, or coming in the yard or even seeing pictures that we're in....and he definitely wouldn't want me going to any event where ex was.

Hopefully time will change this, cos when it comes down to attending graduations or weddings...new DH is just gonna have to suck it up
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#18 of 22 Old 05-13-2005, 11:21 PM
 
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I'm pretty friendly with my ex and his wife, but that's pretty recent, just in the past 2 yrs or so. When we first split and he married his first wife, it was a really bad deal all the way around. She was jealous of me because I had his first child, I was jealous of her because he married her, not me, he was trying to avoid any kind of responsibility for dd, it was just UGLY. They split less than 2 yrs after they married, he got involved with his second wife, I got married to dh, and things have been ok since then. The second wife is a lot more mature and I've grown up a lot too.

We're not ever going to be close friends or anything, but we can chat for a while and stay friendly. Well, as long as the wife and I bite our tongues about each other's parenting style. :LOL (they aren't "bad" parents per se, just really mainstream)

I rarely see my birth son's dad. Actually I just saw him a couple weeks ago for the first time in years at Nick's First Communion. He rarely bothers to show up for stuff. I was kind of worried, but actually we spent hours chatting, it was nice. Now he wants to build a deck on our house for us. I've convinently "lost" his email. I don't need that kind of liability. :LOL
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#19 of 22 Old 05-16-2005, 02:39 PM
 
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I have always wanted to maintain (much more than) civility with my first child's father. I tried very hard over the years. We were able to be friends for a long time, but there was one exception. The exception was that I had to *Be Strong* and see past/through ( ) all the intentionally weird/ hurtful things he'd say to me - constantly.

Finally. . . . recently, I decided that this was not only harmful to my own self/ boundaries/ feelings, etc. to just 'ignore' these comments and controlling efforts of his, but more importantly even, it was setting a horrible example for my dd. Why would I want her to put up with these mind games from him? And yet, I was un-intentionally teaching her to do that by *Being Strong.* Now, I assert my boundaries and protect myself -- I show her what to do for herself. It is sad that we cannot be friends. We are friendly toward one another, and that's good. But, as a pp said, it takes both sides to cooperate on that priority.

Now I just talk to him to make arrangements for him and dd (10) to get together, etc. Whenever he makes some weird comment about my looks, etc. I just say "I gotta go" etc. b/c I'm not even willing to give him the time/attention/effort necessary to reveal and discuss my feelings and needs.

Comes a time when you just know it's time to stop trying with someone, you know?
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#20 of 22 Old 05-16-2005, 06:36 PM
 
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May May, did you ever tell him that you don't appreciate those comments and find them a poor example for him to set for your dd? Or did you just decide that there wasn't any point?
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#21 of 22 Old 05-16-2005, 06:45 PM
 
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My ex and I get along now and he comes to family events and stuff like that. Sometimes (not often) he and I will take the kids somewhere together. And he comes over here to watch the Super Bowl. However, it took 4 years to get to the point where I actually feel comfortable with him in the same room and be friendly with him again. Our breakup was stressful to say the least, but for the sake of the kids we managed to forgive and forget.
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#22 of 22 Old 05-16-2005, 07:55 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SillyTreeFairy
May May, did you ever tell him that you don't appreciate those comments and find them a poor example for him to set for your dd? Or did you just decide that there wasn't any point?

I did. . . . many times, in fact. We've had this 'That's Setting a Bad Example for Her/ That's Hurtful to Her' battle sooo many times in her ten years of life. (Almost every time, it's referring to how he talks about me to her behind my back or how he talks to me in person, sometimes in front of our dd.) He'll play along like he agrees with me or understands, at least, when I tell him. But then he'll just go behind my back and say "your mom is uptight" and "she thinks she knows everything" and "your mom is very controlling" to our dd. . . . sigh. . . .



Of course~
My dd and I do a lot of verbal processing about all this
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