Help: dinner with DH's former PIL and ex-wife????? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 04-30-2005, 04:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband announced today that his former parents-in-law would be in town tomorrow evening and want to take DSD to dinner with her mother. Then his parents call and say they are going too. I assumed we were going to send the child and maybe have a night to ourselves or something, but it became clear that he was thinking that we would go to dinner along with them.

I don't want to go!! I am six months pregnant. I don't want to have dinner with my in-laws, and DH's in-laws PLUS his ex-wife. Any one of those is challenging alone--but the whole group???? No way.

Am I being unreasonable in not wanting to go?? I almost suggested that DH goes by himself, but then I decided against that as an option. I don't want him going to this weird reunion with his pregnant wife sitting at home.

I know he is fond of his former in-laws, and I don't have a problem with him maintaining some sort of relationship, especially with their grandchild involved, but I don't want to be involved too much and I think his family could use some more boundaries altogether.

I feel that he and his parents think I should be more social with his ex-wife, which makes me feel that no one really understands my situation and how uncomfortable it is. The ex is in my life aplenty since there is a child, and we are totally amicable, but I don't want to go to parties, dinners, holidays with her if the occasion does not revolve around the child (birthday, school, sports...)

What do you think, please? Let me know if you think I'm a bad person for not wanting to join in and go along with the program. If I had a body double, I would happily send her along. Thanks for any advice!!

--Adrienne
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#2 of 6 Old 04-30-2005, 04:28 PM
 
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You are NOT a bad person for not wanting to go. It sounds like you have to spend a lot of time with them anyway. Do you still have more time to think about it?

You are all one big family now...They want to include you because you are DH's wife and step-mom to DD. That's an important role.
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#3 of 6 Old 05-01-2005, 03:38 PM
 
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I can understand both points of view.
I was in a simliar situation years ago with a man I was dating & his ex and her family.

Have you thought about why you don't want to do it? Is it only because of the "ex" label at the beginning of their titles, or because you really do not like these people and don't want to socialize with them.

Maybe a compromise is in order. You may discuss it with your husband and agree to go this time as long as some clearer boundaries are drawn in the future if it is still awkward for you? Maybe you could agree to go later and meet everyone for dessert and coffee?

I hope you find a solution that works for you and your husband.
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#4 of 6 Old 05-01-2005, 04:16 PM
 
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I feel that he and his parents think I should be more social with his ex-wife, which makes me feel that no one really understands my situation and how uncomfortable it is. The ex is in my life aplenty since there is a child, and we are totally amicable, but I don't want to go to parties, dinners, holidays with her if the occasion does not revolve around the child (birthday, school, sports...)

I totally understand your feelings. Talk about uncomfortable.

L.J. asked what I wanted to here. Maybe explore why you don't want to hang out with his ex-wife. I can't say anything about parents as I would rather participate on Fear Factor than spend time with Mark's parents. But, I wonder if as women there is a 'thing' that says we should/could not have a relationship with our husband's ex-wifes. I say any female who I share common interests with and is genuinely interested in being my friend, and who I feel the same about is fair game for friendship. Or is she just a freakazoid?

Super warm and comfy hugs coming your way while you work this through.

Oh, and if it were me and ex-wife isn't hang out material or the in-laws are just to mental, I would have DH go alone and invite a friend over for company.
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#5 of 6 Old 05-01-2005, 04:18 PM
 
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Oh, wanted to add...pregnancy is a great excuse for not going somewhere. Usually no one questions that excuse
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#6 of 6 Old 05-02-2005, 02:00 PM
 
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to you--I've BTDT, and it sort of depends on the situation on how it works out. On the one hand, I do agree that it is important that your position as DH's current wife be honored, and it sounds like everyone is doing that by including you. You might think about how your sd would react to you all being together. A lot of times, we found with my sd that three parents in the room did not enhance the situation for her too much, like when it came to school conferences and things like that. Other times, though, it did take the edge of things if I was there.

Good luck, and take care.

Mia
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