Should Step Parents Discipline? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
View Poll Results: Should StepParents Discipline?
Yes - if there is behaviour to be redirected, why not? 70 59.83%
No - the bio parent should always do it; no matter what 11 9.40%
Sorta 1- Bio parent should be notified first- then step can go ahead 9 7.69%
Sorta 2 - both parents (bio or step) should do it together always 27 23.08%
Voters: 117. You may not vote on this poll

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#31 of 45 Old 06-13-2005, 04:01 PM
 
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Since I SAH with my dd and dss (when he's not in school), of course I discipline. What would be the point of waiting ALL day for his father to come home, and just ignore the bad behavior while it's happening? Also, it's important IMO, for my daughter to see fairness, as in, if she gets disciplined for something, why would I let it slide if her step-brother did it?

It's consistancy that's important to me..
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#32 of 45 Old 06-13-2005, 06:02 PM
 
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It's so hard to be consistant. We try to have some consistancy between our house and the X's house, plus consistancy between the older one and the younger one here, and yet there is little consistancy between my parenting and the X's, sooo. . . I still don't know. I just know I don't want my ds playing video games for hours at a time :LOL .
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#33 of 45 Old 06-13-2005, 06:31 PM
 
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I agree, the hardest part of the consistancy for us, is between me and the SO. We have a hard time carrying out the others' plans for discipline....lol

Other than that, we're both the custodial parents of our children, my dd doesn't see her father at all (he's petitioning to terminate parental rights), and my dss's biomom is the 'fun mom', who does no actually parenting, so she doesn't deal with discipline at all. Her home is a free-for-all...
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#34 of 45 Old 06-20-2005, 06:35 PM
 
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I have been stepmom to my SD for about 6 years. During that time i have gone from not disciplining at all to disciplining her. It has been gradual, and I have always discussed everything with DH as well. There is not physical discipline at all. She now lives with us so now there is more discipline than when she was just with us alternate weekends.

Her mother re-married to a man that lived with them for quite a while. I do not believe that he ever disciplined SD until after they were married. He did discipline her and now she hates him. I think that he should have gradually been discipling her with her mother. Sadly, a relationship ruined.
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#35 of 45 Old 07-14-2005, 04:42 PM
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I think Dr Phil is a joke and I would never listen to his crackpot advice (did that sound harsh? sorry I really dont' like that man or the advice he gives... if I offended Dr Phil fans I am sorry.)


I think a parent is a parent, regardless of blood ties. If the step-parent is assuming the role of parent, they are a parent, regardless of biological origin. If the step parent is not assuming the role of a parent, then matters of correction should be made based on mutual choices of the parents and step-parent taking into consideration what is best for the child.

I am adopted myself and I would never recognize my biological father. Also, my husband is not my daughter's biological father - but I dare anyone to say he and my daughter don't have a parent child relationship (esp sincerh e bio father isn't in her life and never has been ebcause he didnt' want to be.) He says he loves her liek his own, and Emma loves him like any little girl would love her daddy.

It takes more than spreading seed and giving birth to be a parent. It takes a person who is actively involved in that child's life, and this would include matters of correction.
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#36 of 45 Old 07-15-2005, 01:40 PM
 
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[QUOTE=MrsMoe]


I think a parent is a parent, regardless of blood ties. If the step-parent is assuming the role of parent, they are a parent, regardless of biological origin. If the step parent is not assuming the role of a parent, then matters of correction should be made based on mutual choices of the parents and step-parent taking into consideration what is best for the child.
QUOTE]
I agree that this sounds great, but with an older child, I think it isn't always so easy or clear cut. What if the stepparent wants to assumet he role of parent, but the teen doesn't want to see the stepparent that way? Or, if the biological parent is still in the picture and happily coparenting, is there always room for another full parent?
I think there are a lot of subtle differences in each situation.
In ours, I parents from the beginning (young child, bio parent far away) but can see I would have done differently had the situation been different.
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#37 of 45 Old 07-16-2005, 12:50 AM
 
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I voted YES because, as a custodial Step parent, I *am* the other adult in the house and when Dh isn't around, I'm not going to wait for him to get home on certain matters. I think it depends on what each married couple agrees to, what the living circumstances are, etc.

I was raised in the generation where we were 'disciplined' by ANY adult or authority figure, we feared the neighbor as much as our parents! Not saying WRT "spankings" or anything like that - but if we disobeyed the neighbor and they called our parents....oh boy, we knew we were dead when we got home.

I don't agree with Dr. Phil on that matter - and while I do like him and think he has alot of good advice, he's not always right. Sometimes you have to have been in a situation to fully understand it.

But I do think that it is a MUST that both spouses back each other up (if you disagree on the disciplinary action - take it up privately, NOT in front of the kids) as the married couple should be showing the kid(s) a UNITED front.

JMHO (and something our marriage had lacked over the years)
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#38 of 45 Old 03-09-2006, 10:29 AM
 
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I have always believed "it takes a village to raise a child". Amost every consistant adult in a child's life will have an impact on them on way or another. We are role models no matter what our relationship is if around a child or young adult on a regular basis. Geesh, I am having a "Ghandi-like" morning I think. But, really, having a few step-parents throughout my life whom I rarely tolerated, looking back I recognize they do represent who I am to some extent.

~BenJulieMattzMom~
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#39 of 45 Old 03-21-2006, 03:58 AM
 
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Bearing in mind that my definition of discipline doesn't include authoritative punishment of any sort, I voted yes. I discipline my stepdaughter by redirecting behavior, setting up expectations and allowing for natural consequences and more. When a more heavy intervention or something is needed, I usually defer to her father. Of course, being as how she only stays with us for a week here and a weekend there, it's been very easy. That will change this June when she moves in for good. I will have to take a more active role. I'm ready but scared!
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#40 of 45 Old 03-21-2006, 03:29 PM
 
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I voted "yes."

I have been in my girl's lives since they were 3 1/2 and 18 months, respectively. In the beginning, while we were dating, I deferred to my DH for most disciplinary actions, while the kids and I were adjusting to one another. After my DH and I were together for about 9 months, our oldest came to me and very tentatively said, "You're more than just Sarah. Can I call you mama?" I of course said yes, after consulting with my DH and the ex. Bio-mom has never had a problem with the girls calling me Mom, Mommy, or Mama. Now, I discipline the girls in the same way I will their future siblings. No, you can't paint your bedroom walls. The banister is not for climbing. I've asked you three times not to throw things at your sister...why don't you go calm down in your room for a little while?

I agree that you have to figure out what works best for you as a family. Of course on the big issues (like the day our 6 year old told me that it didn't matter how she was punished, since she doesn't have to stay in our house that long anyway) I talk to my husband, and he usually handles it. I fully accept my role as a parent, and never correct someone when they ask how old "my" kids are. If the girls don't object, why should I? However, I understand that there are going to be some "growing pains" issues, especially with the way the ex raises the girls (no discipline, to the point of watching TV at 3am if they don't want to sleep) that will require my DH to take a more "leading" role. He's always very clear though that Daddy *and* Mommy said XYZ.

We're all in this together. As long as the ex doesn't have a problem with my being active in the kids' lives, why should I? They spend time in my home, eat my food, I do their laundry, quiet their nightmares, and they call me Mom. I'm honored and blessed.

Sarah - Mama to Vic (1/19/00), Syd (4/06/02) Sam (4/20/06-born at 30wk2d), JackJack (2/14/07) and Charlie (4/30/10)
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#41 of 45 Old 03-22-2006, 06:26 PM
 
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I voted yes too...
I have been in dsd life since she was 2 and she will have memories of me being there....I love her as if she were my own....

If the behavior is happening when I am home and dh is not (which is usually the case since they have him working lots of overtime lately bc they are installing new systems at work) then why should I wait 4 or 5 hours after the behavior to do or say something (by do i don't mean hitting and such) to her about it when it won't mean anything and at 6 she will say yeah, so???

DH and I sat down long ago and discussed it......
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#42 of 45 Old 04-02-2006, 06:10 PM
 
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If you discipline your bio children and not your step chilren, how is that going to make them feel? All of them?
If I treated my DSS different than I do my other children, he wouldn't think that I love him. Or that I love him less because I treat him different.
I don't believe in only bio parent disciplining because you have the whole tattling effect going on. Oh, there goes stepmom tattling on me again. That can't be good for them.

When we got married me dss became mine as well, though he doesn't live with us full time (although that may soon change), he is one of my children and I will treat him as such. He actually appreciates it. He doesn't get much training and disipline from bio mom, in fact, not much attention at all-sadly.
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#43 of 45 Old 04-02-2006, 10:17 PM
 
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i think steps should of course discipline...in the manner agreed upon.

my 3 stepsons (or dancing carrots, lol) live with us 50ish% of the time.....because dh works, sometimes they are here with me alone....what, I'm suuposed to just wait until he gets here and then "report" to him what they did??
I'm NOT a babysitter.

i discipline them as well as their little sister(who is my biochild).
They understand that they are to obey ADULTS in general, not just parents.....and that if they are rotten, they will be punished.....

but i do always punish them in the way that i know their parents do, and approve of....

CPST
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#44 of 45 Old 04-05-2006, 07:14 PM
 
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My husband is the only dad she knows, so I don't think it's like a situation that Dr. Phil may have been referring to. At first, though, he was like this fun friend who taught her to ride a bike and could throw her in the air. He wasn't comfortable disciplining her. But I started to see a problem because she would run him over when I wasn't around. I had to tell him that he needed to enforce rules. Luckily, we don't have a lot of rules, but now he's comfortable in his role as her father. I'm still the main disciplinarian, I guess. (As far as, "Time for bed," "Time for your shower," etc.) We just don't do a lot of punishment. But I think it's important for someone to be comfortable in their own home, you know? So for some situations, the comfort issue is with the stepparent, and with some situations, the comfort issue if with the stepchild. I think things would be different if my daughter was a teenager, and I think things might be different if her bio dad was still in her life. Also, I'm pregnant, and we'll have more kids, so it would be weird if my husband couldn't discipline them all the same, I think.
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#45 of 45 Old 04-12-2006, 12:33 AM
 
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I did not read any replies but in our blended family I am MOM when they are here and they respect me as that. I love them as my own and I make decisions for them and our family.. I treat my SK's exactly as I do my bio kids - really I do!! Dh is looking over my shoulder and agreeing LOL. We have been married 10 years and my Sk's are 13 and 11. I've been step mom for a long time.
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