I really can't stand my ex - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 05-26-2005, 03:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He has never ever ever done anything for ds he wasn't forced to do by the courts or his parents. As soon as they lay off him, he quits calling. He is so self-centered.

I couldn't reach his mother so I emailed him asking him to pass the message on. He just emailed me back telling me that he and his current girlfriend are getting married and that he wants us to be "friends". He also wants us to set up a joint college account for ds.

Ok, first, the money. He doesn't even pay his child support half the time, so why the H does he want a college fund set up? Does he think he can do this in lieu of paying support? I am not telling him that we have a fund already paid off for ds's tuition and are saving for his extras now. My lawyer said that he will have to pay half anyway.

Secondly, I can't even get an email from him without wanting to wring his neck. I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't give a thought to his own child. He has promised to do so much for ds and has always fallen through. He never writes or calls ds (except for a few times this year when his mom was on his back). He has virtually no contact except to sometimes see ds when he goes to visit grandma. He wants to talk to me because he wants me to think he is a good person. I don't want to validate him. Ds is 11- he is capable of having his own relationship with his father if his father made any effort at all.

Thirdly, ds says that his girlfriend doesn't like him. She makes comments under her breath and rolls her eyes at him. I told ds about the upcoming marriage and asked what he thought. He said that biodad will probably have another baby and then he won't be fun anymore. I asked if he was worried that biodad would like the baby better than him. He said no, because if he did grandma would get mad at him.

This was just a vent. For the record, I keep my feelings to myself and ds has no idea how much I dislike his dad. I just am struggling with how to answer the email- with honesty or polite bullcrap.

Honesty ex: Telling him that I want him to focus on a relationship with ds, that ds is 11 and there isn't any need for me to play intermediary, I am available if he has a question, but frankly I am not interested in being friends with someone who has disappointed my son and my self for the last 11 years (keep in mind this will be the 99th time I have had to tell him this), that he needs to worry about catching up on his support obligations before he worries about a college fund, that when he is caught up, he is welcome to set up a college fund to pay for the half of college he'll be responsible for in 7 years.

Politeness: Ok, I just can't imagine a way to not say the above, so I guess the polite alternative is to ignore the email.
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#2 of 10 Old 05-26-2005, 03:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Obviously I know there are people who are going to tell me I should suck it up and be nice to dbd, but I can't. He is a worthless irresponsible self-centered person who has hurt my son. He is manipulative and charming and can suck you into his lies if you aren't guarded.

When ds was old enough to travel to his paternal grandparents without me I quit having a speaking relationship with him. I refuse to get sucked into his "it's all about me" routine. Is it too much to ask that he just call his 11yo son regularly and pay his support on time? I have said repeatedly in the past that I would reconsider speaking to him if he could prove he was serious about doing the right thing for ds by doing those two things. Still 3 years later, he doesn't call, write or pay regular support.
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#3 of 10 Old 05-26-2005, 04:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just to add, I will likely erase my posts in a week or so no matter what the response are so please don't quote me. I always freak that biodad will find me on here and read what I have written. I would say all of this to his face, I just don't want my written words used against me.
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#4 of 10 Old 05-26-2005, 04:14 PM
 
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I don't think I'd have any problem at all telling ex what you just said....to pay up on the darn child support before worrying aobut anything else..or better yet...DO BOTH!!

And I agree that you shouldn't have to be friends if you don't want to, especially since his new fiance has already shown her true colors to your son , but "acting" friendly in front of your son is something you obviously should still try and do...not saying you haven't

other than that..I'd say tell it like it is to the slacker ex. No need to do it angrily (if you can help it) just matter of factly. "Here's what's most imortant NOW...let's worry about the rest later shall we?..."
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#5 of 10 Old 05-26-2005, 04:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jbugz
"Here's what's most imortant NOW...let's worry about the rest later shall we?..."
I am nice in front of ds. I'm really nice all the time. I just avoid communication and that makes it possible.

But I love the above. That is the polite way I was looking for!
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#6 of 10 Old 05-26-2005, 06:45 PM
 
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can i ask how he'll have to pay for half of college? It is my understanding that support stops at 18 ? Unless they own back child support. I know that they will look at his tax forms to determine need/aid, but nobody is required to send their kids to college right ? If I decided not to payfor my bioson's college I don't have to (meaning, of course, he just couldn't go). I am just wondering because I have heard that this is an area where children of divorce get screwed. When the child turns 18, the noncustodial parent feels like "I've fulfilled my obligation."

Doesn't it stink to have to keep dealing with the people from our past that we obviously didn't like or would still be together with!!! I feel like my dh should lecture at high schools-- it you let this guy get you pregnant-- he will be in your life forever so be careful!
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#7 of 10 Old 05-26-2005, 07:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flor
I feel like my dh should lecture at high schools-- it you let this guy get you pregnant-- he will be in your life forever so be careful!
:

I don't know why, but I have always been told (by several different attorneys I consulted) he will be made to pay half of college. Of course, he's supposed to have ds on his health insurance and he doesn't do that. That is why we have been really careful with saving. He would probably not fight it, because he doesn't ever want to look bad, but I'll never count on his money. He would much rather spend it on himself.

I just don't understand why he keeps bugging me to have a relationship with him, instead of putting effort towards a relationship with his son. An 11yo is capable of telling him anything he wants to know and I have been good about answering emails when he has a question, which is rare. I just think he wants me to like him and I think it makes him embarrassed that he doesn't have a friendship with me. It should make him embarrassed that he doesn't know his son's favorite color, favorite food, etc.

If he weren't so manipulative, I could do it, but he will tell you *anything* he thinks you want to hear, so any meaningful conversation is pointless.

I also have an issue based on what I have seen of his girlfriend's behavior (she has written my son- that is a whole other thread- grrrrr). I really think she sees biodad as a victim. That I am some evil woman trying to keep them apart, when I have given him clear written instructions on what I expect from him if he wants more contact (he is to call ds a minimum of once a month- which he has never done). He has a history of picking women who take care of him. She buys ds's birthday gifts and even signs his cards "dad"- I recognize it isn't his handwriting.

If you talk to biodad, he will spin you on how much he loves his son, and you'll never realize that he never calls, writes or comes to see him. That on the 1-2 week visits that ds spends with his paternal grandparents, *if* biodad comes, he spends half the time visiting his hometown friends without ds. Can you imagine? Can you imagine getting a whole week with your child that you never see and choosing to see others and leave him at home?

Uga bugga.
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#8 of 10 Old 05-27-2005, 08:38 AM
 
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I don't know what the exact deal is with splitting the cost of college either but I AM pretty sure that as long as your son is in school (including college) the ex would have to continue child support past age 18. The limit might be 21 as long as they're still in school.

I found a law message board with a custody sub board if you wanna ask any questions there. It looks like an actual lawyer answers the posts. Here's a link just in case you're interested.

http://laborlawtalk.com/forumdisplay.php?f=42
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#9 of 10 Old 05-27-2005, 08:43 PM
 
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re college depends on where you are and what is in the agreement...my dh only has to do 18 or through high school whichever comes first. Kind of like private school - if not agreed upon then it's not expected...kids don't have to go to private school, kids don't have to go to college

If people could work these things out they most likely wouldn't be divorced. I have to remind DH of that all the time...
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#10 of 10 Old 06-28-2005, 05:28 PM
 
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Here in Oregon, college is paid for by both parents.
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