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#1 of 21 Old 06-01-2005, 11:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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anyone else have a stepchild living at home with you & dh fulltime?? and you stay home fulltime too?

I swear, this needs its own forum! :LOL so much more "stuff" going on!

Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
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#2 of 21 Old 06-02-2005, 12:16 AM
 
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Bwwwwaaahahahahahaha I must be stalking you tonight! lol

I'm SAHM right now and when we move closer to DSS here soon we'll have more time with him where I will then become a SAHstepM.

Give more**Expect Less
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#3 of 21 Old 06-02-2005, 11:34 AM
 
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Ooo! Oooh! Me! Me!

I'm a sahm to our 6 blended kids. Well, they're not really "blended"....ah, you get what I mean! :LOL

Dh has 3 from previous marriage that we have full time; I have 1 and together we have 2.
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#4 of 21 Old 06-02-2005, 03:27 PM
 
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*raises hand*

I'm a fulltime SAHM, and dss lives with us. It's strange, most step-moms I meet don't have their skids living with them, so I usually find I have alot of issues others can't relate to. He's here ALL the time, even when I don't wanna look at him...lol

Yes, I know that sounds bad, but geez, I want a break sometimes... He's on a mom kick lately (comes and goes really), so right now sees her for a couple hours after school about every other day, although he's saying that's not enough, and wants everyday, but he is kinda forcing the every other day on her as it is (we hear dss on the phone trying to convince her to take him more, it's heartbreaking, she just doesn't want to)....
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#5 of 21 Old 06-02-2005, 10:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
*raises hand*

I'm a fulltime SAHM, and dss lives with us. It's strange, most step-moms I meet don't have their skids living with them, so I usually find I have alot of issues others can't relate to. He's here ALL the time, even when I don't wanna look at him...lol
Yes! Different set of dynamics...so different issues. I'm finding it hard to find other SMs to "relate" to

Sadly, dss's mom has basically abandoned him. She sees him when its convenient for her...every 3 months or so...she moved to VA from NJ. She might be moving to Germany within the year with her fiance. She is also pregnant again.

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#6 of 21 Old 06-03-2005, 02:45 PM
 
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That's rough! Dss's biomom just had a new baby this past Feb, you can already see the changes in their relationship since the baby's been born. My dss has been put on the backburner. If the baby had her up all night etc, she calls and changes plans with dss. Tries to take dss only when she has help from her mom or something. It's like, she wanted to have 2 kids, with the responsibility of only 1. It's really sad.

As for child support, well, the man she lives with (the new baby's father), has 3 children from a previous marriage. His paycheck is garnished for them, then of course the new baby doesn't go without anything, so out of their total 5 children (including my dss), my dss is put last financially. My SO and I take good care of him, and are able to, although things get tight, it just bugs me that he's last to them....

Ah well...
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#7 of 21 Old 06-06-2005, 10:44 PM
 
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Hi... never posted in this forum before. Anyway, I SAH and have two "new" children and two birth children. One on the way, too. DH jokes that the one we'll share together will be the favorite. lol.... He doesn't mean it of course, and he doesn't say it in front of the other kids, but it helps to make light of the situation sometimes.

My two kids don't have forced visitation (i.e. they never leave, thankfully), but DH's kids have to leave every other weekend to see their mother. On the off weeks, they have to meet her halfway for dinner one night a week (35 min. drive for us). I keep it to myself, but I'm so relieved when they leave sometimes. I also end up feeling guilty for thinking that way, esp. because their mother's home is anything but ideal. She pretty much tries to sabotage anything good we try to instill in these children.

Anyway, I can't relate to many other moms IRL because I hardly know anyone who is a stepmother, let alone anyone who has their stepchildren at home and also parents the way we do.
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#8 of 21 Old 06-07-2005, 04:50 PM
 
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I'm, not sure how old the step-children are for everyone else. My step-son is 9, and his last day of school is this Friday.

TO be honest, I'm dreading the summer I'm dreading having him 24/7... *sighs* It sounds so bad, I know it does. I love this little boy, I really do, but it can be hard to LIKE him sometimes.

I wasn't around during those cute baby years, and wasn't around when he was developing his personality. HOnestly,. I don't like his personality very much, and really disagree with alot of the things he was raised with and learned growing up, so it can be hard to like him.

(adding: I KNOW this isn't HIS fault at all! I never take this out on him, or let him know it! It just frustrates me personally at times)
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#9 of 21 Old 06-07-2005, 05:27 PM
 
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DSD is almost 10 and DSS is 7. I think that the older they are, the more difficult it is to become bonded to them. Not that it can't or won't happen, I just think it takes more time than if they were a cutesy little toddler, KWIM? Don't beat yourself up about feeling the way you do. As long as you treat him well, the feelings will eventually come. I know what you mean about loving the child but not liking them sometimes. It's hard, especially for us "AP" mamas, to admit that about a child. It's totally normal, though.
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#10 of 21 Old 06-08-2005, 10:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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[QUOTE=MomBirthmomStepmom]I wasn't around during those cute baby years, and wasn't around when he was developing his personality. HOnestly,. I don't like his personality very much, and really disagree with alot of the things he was raised with and learned growing up, so it can be hard to like him.
QUOTE]


I know exactly how you feel. It's been really hard to enjoy dss when I've seen him thru his "terrible" twos...when he whines incessantly for his dad.....when he doesn't listen to me but listens to him. I know! I tell dh that its really hard as I didn't carry him, I didn't breastfeed him, I didn't know him as a baby. Still he expects me to be instant mama to him and sometimes, I just need a break from that pressure.

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#11 of 21 Old 06-08-2005, 11:22 AM
 
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We had DHs eldest daughter live with for 6 months one time, 2 months another time.....both times were b/c her mom kicked her out (and DSD was a troubled teen at the time....so that was fun...).
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#12 of 21 Old 06-17-2005, 01:09 AM
 
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I am stepping to an almost 6 yo, and for the most part things are great. That being said, though, we do have alot of issues as I am the one who spends the most time with her. She was living with mom about 75% of the time, and us 25% until May. We moved 45 minutes from her mom's place so she could attend school (long story, both bio parents felt the need for Waldorf, but only dad & I were able and willing to make the move). She is with us during the week and mom on weekends now. These days we are having LOTS of issues with her missing mom and acting out her frustrations at me. I think there needs to be lots more empathy towards stepparents and what we go through raising someone else's child. When I bring up any concern for her, her father resents me for it, he sees it as if I am martyring myself and don't need to take on her neediness. It's as if he doesn't get that I love her too, and can only see me saying he isn't doing enough for her.

My patience is not what it should be, cause I am 33 weeks pregnant with my first and only one step above bedrest, trying to stop a preterm labour. As much as I love dss, there are days that I am rather resentful of the fact that I am raising someone else's child with all this other stuff going on for me! Thankfully summer is just about here and we can be more flexible with our child care arrangements, so the mother missing tantrums will end... I am getting tired of being told I am mean and hated by this wee girl!
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#13 of 21 Old 06-17-2005, 03:47 PM
 
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I am for the next month. I love it. He is a wonderful addition to our home, and I wish he could be here all the time. The kids are having a blast, he is such a great kid, that I feel like he is my kid too. He is 14, my oldest son is 13, and the two of them are like peas in a pod. My daughter and he are twin personalities, like his dad and I are, and we have been joking that they may one day find themselves together romantically, which would be a bit strange, but a good choice for both, because they are great kids, and good souls to boot. It should be a funfilled next few weeks!
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#14 of 21 Old 06-20-2005, 06:20 PM
 
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My dsd is living with us now. She moved in in April. I think she loves it here - she has her dad, me, her baby sister (6 mos), the dog and the cat. She was living with her mother until she remarried. Then the grandparents and now us.

I know exactly how you all feel. Love her, but don't like her sometimes, etc. I have been her stepmom since she was 5 and she is now almost 12. These last few months have been hard but we are getting there.
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#15 of 21 Old 07-17-2005, 02:47 PM
 
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I'm one. I have 4 bio kids & 4 stepkids living with me, and I am a SAHM most of the year (I work during tax-season Jan-April 15). My OBD is 22 and lives on her own, since age 19.

The 4 stepkids (skids for short) have lived FT with us for 5 of the 7 years Dh and I have been married. First 2 years with us, then back with BM for two, then she sent them back to us and it's been 3 years this 'round.

The 4 skids are all teens now - oldest just graduated HS, youngest is going into 7th grade (she was held back a yr in 1st gr). There's only 5 years between the oldest/youngest of the 4 girls.

I spend most days like this...
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#16 of 21 Old 07-17-2005, 07:46 PM
 
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i have 5 stepkiddos 2 live w/ mom (20 yodss & 15yodsd), 2 live w/ us (21 yodss & 18 yodss) and one is 50-50 (12 yodss) The 50 50 thing is the hardest- we have to plan vacations around when he'll be here. his mom's parenting style is completely different to ours. he's a great easy going kid - but it is difficult!!

Punk, hippy, mama to 4 amazing kiddos, Boy#1 (18), TheGirl (13), Boy#2 (11- PBD) and Boy#3 (6)
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#17 of 21 Old 07-18-2005, 02:39 PM
 
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I used to be . . . I am a SAHM to my kids and until my dsd's mother quit working to be home with her new baby I watched my dsd all the time. It's sad now though because dsd spends 1 week with us and then 1 week with mom and when she's with mom she's anywhere but . . . it makes it tough because she can't understand why when she's with us we want to be with her. I am hoping that at some point in the very near future she is with us more of the time again. She is typically such a happier child when she's with us.
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#18 of 21 Old 07-20-2005, 03:23 PM
 
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God, I love you ladies!!! It's so great to hear other mamas echoing the same feelings I've had. I am sm to an almost-six year old dsd and I have a 9 month old ds. I'm not sure I qualify for this thread, but I FEEL like I do. Dsd is only with us 50/50, but paying for childcare is dh's responsibility and since I've been a SAHM, I volunteered to stay at home with dsd also, to save the cash and to bond with her. BOY has it been tough!

I completely hear the love-them-but-don't-always-like-them thing. I hate that I don't feel the same way about her that I do about ds. I wish with my whole heart that I was as infatuated with her as I am my own child. But it just isn't so, and she certainly isn't as infatuated with me as she is with her parents. We had LOTS of problems this last school year, and I decided I didn't care if we were dirt poor, she's going to day camp over the summer. I just couldn't do the all day, every day thing. We haven't figured out what we'll do next year. She'll be in first grade, so there's one less hour of caretaking to worry about, but I just don't know if I should do it.

The hardest thing about being a sahsm, IMO, is the resentment towards dsd's mom. There were many times when, on her designated night, she would get off work early or stay home sick and not even say anything and just pick dsd up at the "scheduled" time, and I got SOOOO resentful when I found out. I felt really used. God there are so many issues here. I could write a book.
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#19 of 21 Old 07-20-2005, 04:26 PM
 
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I often have feelings of guilt over the way I treat my kids. I guess it's the perfectionist in me. I have 3 kids: a 9 year old step-son, a 4 year old bio daughter, and a 16 month old foster son (soon to be adopted).

I have been a part of my step-son's life since he was first turned 3. He has lived with us since right before I had my 4 year old. At first, I was really afraid to get too close to him. I didn't want his bio mom to become jealous of our relationship. I soon realized that she really doesn't care. I would try and include her on school work, teacher conferences, ball games, etc., but she didn't want to hear about it. Even when I homeschooled him for a year. Step-son is dying to get more attention from her, but I think he has finally realized that he isn't going to get it. Incredibly sad.

I try to treat him as if he were no different than my own, and I usually do. I finally realized that even though I haven't always treated he and my bio daughter the same, I was still treating them as if they were my own. The only thing I purposely do differently is, I consult with my husband more on how to discipline him and am a little "nicer" when disciplining!!

I don't always feel like dss and I have bonded as well as my daughter and I. I don't feel like my soon to be adopted son and I have, either. I hate this, but I really think a lot of it is the breastfeeding bonding. Something I never experienced with either son. There are lots of other issues, too. I can't imagine putting myself in the place of dss and experiencing the indifference of his mother. No wonder he often shields himself from a close bond with others. He is probably afraid of being hurt by those he loves.

I have certainly rambled on and on, but have so many fears and concerns for my dss. I really wish I could protect him from hurt. The truth is, we can't do that for any of our kids. OK, I'll stop here.

~Jenna
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#20 of 21 Old 07-20-2005, 09:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No wonder he often shields himself from a close bond with others. He is probably afraid of being hurt by those he loves.
sadly, that's how my dss is. He is not affectionate.

anyway, thanks for jumping in...the more the "merrier" our hearts will be! I struggle daily with the guilt over not feeling like his mom.

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#21 of 21 Old 07-20-2005, 09:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamafly
The hardest thing about being a sahsm, IMO, is the resentment towards dsd's mom. There were many times when, on her designated night, she would get off work early or stay home sick and not even say anything and just pick dsd up at the "scheduled" time, and I got SOOOO resentful when I found out. I felt really used. God there are so many issues here. I could write a book.
Lets write one together! We have tons of issues here!

I know what you mean about the resentment...how about when Dss's bio-mom argued left & right to have him for a week and the night before her "week" was to begin, my DH called her to ask her what time she was picking him up (she's 4 states away) and she said "oh it's this week" :

and even worse, she did come but gave him "back" to us after 3 days because her morning sickness got the best of her. Too bad....I had morning sickness and took care of your son day in & day out while I was newly pregnant! ARGHH

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