RANT: Blending 2 families - 2 sets of parents and kids! - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-22-2005, 02:24 AM
 
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I gather from your past posts that you have your own dealings with CPS. If I were you I would be careful what you post on public boards because it can be held against you. Somone could print this stuff out and say that you knowinginly put your children into a dangerous situation by choosing to stay in that house. Just be careful, okay?

7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
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Old 06-22-2005, 03:08 AM - Thread Starter
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we're not choosing to stay here. The only other places we could go either don't accept men or are too filthy for us to live at, that's the problem. (when you know the carpet is supposed to be white because that's the colour under the furniture....) None of our friends in the area have room.

Hell, we weren't expecting to stay for as long as we have.

But at least now we know we won't be here past a certain day.

Once again tonight she threatened all three kids. I looked at DP and later on, I told him that if she touches DS again, our kids and I are out of here and I will call CPS on her.

See, that's the good thing about this thread - this is also documentation of what she's done!

So, the good news.. DP has an interview with the local high tech place tomorrow. We both had interviews with job HRDC's job placement people today and can get funding for job searches and training. We signed the lease yesterday for our place and got the MHR form today to give to my worker. Got my driver's license renewed. Got told by the HRDC person that my resume looked "spiffy" and quite professionally done. Found out that my student loan was "written off" and that I actually have "good credit." (HUH???? They're kidding right? So why can't I get a credit card?)

The bad news is that we are stuck here till Aug 1. But I won't stand for her touching my children. She is well within the bounds of legality when it comes to hers, but mine are off limits.

She simply doesn't know it.

And if I have to do it, I will call in the big guns (RCMP, CPS, etc) on her for daring to strike another's child.

See, two months ago I thought she was a better mother than I. Boy was I proven wrong. I wanted her to be DS's daycare person if DP got the job at the computer place (interview tomorrow, YAY!!) but not now. I'd rather let DS drive me insane and have no support at our new place than use her as a sitter. She's just not what I want anymore.

And the last bit of good news - there's at least one parent at the new complex that has the exact same type of child I do except she's twice DS's age! YAY!! I'm not alone!!!!
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Old 06-22-2005, 12:09 PM
 
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Glad things are looking up for you in the long term.

Just so you know, legally it isn't actually as clear-cut as 'spanking is legal in Canada.' Generally, a smack with the hand on the rear if the child is between 2 and 12 will be legal. However, it has to be 'reasonable,' and corporal punishment motivated by anger or where the child cannot 'learn' from it will not be reasonable. [Yes, I know plenty of us would question if it can ever be reasonable or educational!] So if she is going off on her own kids for things that are all out of proportion, clearly motivated by her own anger, that may not be legal. Also as you probably well know, CPS interests itself in conduct that may be legal but that they don't think children should be exposed to, if they feel the overall environment is unhealthy/abusive.
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Old 06-22-2005, 01:38 PM
 
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First of all for what you've been through and for the good news about jobs and new housing.

Secondly, I have a feeling your friend might have a problem with drug abuse. The sudden change in personality, the "migraines" managed with heavy duty painkillers, the problems with her teeth, the rages at small children. I think she needs serious help. Of course, now is not the time for you to address it, maybe after you have moved you can ask her what's up.
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Old 06-22-2005, 02:30 PM - Thread Starter
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Quote:
I have a feeling your friend might have a problem with drug abuse.
I wasn't going to say it outright, but both DP and I agree with you.

She purposely had all her teeth removed so that she could eat all the candy she wanted and then some. And she seemed proud of the fact that Variety Club capped her daughter's teeth for her (at 4???!!!)

Quote:
However, it has to be 'reasonable,' and corporal punishment motivated by anger or where the child cannot 'learn' from it will not be reasonable. [Yes, I know plenty of us would question if it can ever be reasonable or educational!] So if she is going off on her own kids for things that are all out of proportion, clearly motivated by her own anger, that may not be legal.
That's what we were thinking. As I stated before, she touches my child again, DS, DD and I are out of there and she will get called on.

Thankfully DS is partially deaf. I don't think he hears her screaming at him.

40 days to go...
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Old 06-23-2005, 04:51 AM - Thread Starter
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Still 40 days to go for me (even though its after midnight.. blahblahblah)

I am so close to tearing her a new one.. UGH. I can't stand it.

But the interview with the company went well for DP. No job, but he was put "in the candidates list" so he might still get one.

I need to go lie down. The change in weather and climate has made my IBS go nuts.
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Old 06-25-2005, 04:15 AM - Thread Starter
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Okay.. today she didn't hit DD but did scare the pee out of my poor baby. She screamed and hit the wall near the sockets that keep on having the baby plugs pulled out of (can we say two toddlers, a preschooler and 3 adults that vacuum and forget to put it back? I knew we could). I came rushing out of the home office (read: child free zone) and found DD sitting on the floor bawling her eyes out. Immediately, GF says that she didn't hit DD before I say a word. I pick DD up, grumble about fixing that damn socket and take DD with me into the office for a cuddle.

Of the four of us adults, GF is the first one to go down for the night. Not even I, the one who got hurt at the waterpark today, have gone to sleep yet. She was in bed and out cold by 8:30-9 at the most. Her DH didn't go to bed till almost 10 and he has to get up for work at 4 in the morning! DP and I are up and its 11pm. All the kids are asleep.

And of course, there was Huey and Duey trying to climb out of their bedroom window onto the little roof below. This was after they were put to bed for the third time. Twice by their father and once by DP. I went outside to grab some stuff from the car, saw them climbing out their window, made a note, told them to go back to bed and watched as the blatantly ignored me and came back out. UGH!

So when I got inside, I went to the window, checked to see if it would lock and locked it. That's when their father came in again and hollared at them!

DS took a bit of convincing to go to sleep, but nothing that his father's warm body couldn't fix. DD took to nummies before sleeping.

I'm in serious pain here. I hurt myself. I can't find my painkillers. But because she "overdid it" and was worried about a migraine, she decided to take her pills (Amerge?) to kill it and went to bed.

'Scuse me, but I came home and even injured, started a load of laundry, bathed myself and DS, brushed my hair, helped feed her kids, entertained all four, watched them and more while she slept. At least I didn't have to put them down. That's what her DH did.

WTF am I? A nanny? And her DH and my DP? What are they? Servants? AUGH!

Found out today that what she did to both our sons two weeks ago WAS illegal. Not that she spanked my son. Oh no... but that she left red marks on them. You aren't allowed to leave marks. That's "excessive force!"

If I was sure I had a place to go to, I would make my point and leave. This is enough. Even in pain so bad that I am nauseaus all the time, I haven't done as much yelling at those kids. And I needed to get to sleep early because I have a job interview tomorrow.

yet she's the one who's in bed cause she might get a migraine. I have whiplash, a sprained shoulder and who knows what else.

I need to go find me some painkillers and see if I can get some sleep.
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Old 06-26-2005, 05:01 AM - Thread Starter
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I don't think any of you are reading this. I was hoping you were because I could really use some advice on how to mother and detoxify not only DS but their DCs as well.

Okay.. GF and her DH have a lock on their bedroom door. Sticking all three kids in the same bedroom at bed time is a nono. Too many fights ensue. So, we (four adults) have been putting my DS into GF's bedroom in order to get him to go to sleep and the other two as well.

Once again, her two go to bed in tears. They actually have to be put to bed with a video on or they won't sleep!

DS may or may not have turned the lock on in the bedroom, because their daughter tattled that she couldn't get into her mommy's room. That set GF into a panic of "he'll go into our bathroom and do who knows what!" Which set her husband off. He went to the door and literally tried breaking it down. That didn't work, so out came the credit card and several more shoves. All the time he was yelling at DS to "Open this door or you're going to get spanked!" :

Finally he opened the door and there was DS, eyes open wide, hiding underneath the covers. (Gee, I wonder why? )

No, DS didn't get spanked. DP and I were both there. If that man had laid a finger on DS, I would have been all over him. But DP was between me and BF so that meant that I would have had to have gone through DP first.

The knob was taken off and DS was allowed, by them, to go to sleep.

I'm going to have to cuddle DS some tonight. I know the cosleeping he's been doing has been his only comfort. I know that he's having problems because he refuses to sleep anywhere but by my side, and even then, his is a restless sleep.

I've looked up transition houses in the area. There's a least one. DP doesn't like the thought of my going to one, but if DS gets smacked again by either of them, my children and I are out of there. I found what is and isn't legal in Canadian Law and they are just skirting the edge with their own children. If they touch DS again, they will be breaking the law and I will let CPS handle them. What will happen is that the kids and I will end up going to the hospital, every single bruise or red mark on him will be documented, and CPS will interrogate me. Then they will stop by here and have a "chat." They may or may not remove GF's children right away, but will at least give her a significant scare. If the cops go with them, whoever was the culprit would probably get arrested. That will destroy any relationship we've ever had with them, but I have to put my foot down.

That is when DS, DD and I will be in a transition house and we'll be stuck there until our new place is ready to live in.

DS currently has red marks on him I can't be sure where they came from. I'm hoping its from his nuclear diaper and not from either of them. If I find out that they have hurt him.

I need some help here. I need emotional support. I need to know that I can get my children and me through this.
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Old 06-26-2005, 01:41 PM
 
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Many of us have been following your story and concerns and have offered some great feedback, resources and support. Sadly, you are in a difficult situation and a toxic one. You said in your recent post that you wanted info. on how to detoxify not only DS but their DCs as well. IMHO, while living in a toxic environment, I don't think you can until you are removed from the abuse. I'm really glad to hear that you've looked into a transition house. August 1st is almost here, but I don't think you can wait that long. It would only be temporary and you do have permanent housing lined up. You and your family would then be safe and you could then start to detoxify your family from the emotional, verbal and physical abuse that is surrounding you.

Best of Luck~

Lisa

Lisa, Todd, Dane and Amber: & :::
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Old 06-26-2005, 08:35 PM - Thread Starter
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Thanks.

DP said something interesting to me today. That because we are using "gentler discipline" they are mirroring us and are using our techniques on their children. I hope they keep on using them.
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Old 06-26-2005, 09:50 PM
 
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Mamid, I wanted to second what Lisa said. I am still here "listening" to you too. I hope things get better. (I'll try to keep posting the "i'm still here responses!)

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Old 07-04-2005, 11:34 PM
 
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I just came to this thread, Mamid. The only thing I can suggest to you is to spend as much time as possible away from that home with your children. Leave after you wake up and eat, come back when it's time for bed.

These people are terrorizing your children. When BF was trying to break down the door and screaming at your child to open up or he was going to spank him? That was abuse, whether he laid a finger on him or not.

These are crucial moments for your children. They're not things that are gotten over easily, even if they are temporary. Every day is forever to a child. Please try to remove your children from the house as much as possible until you can get out completely.

And then please do those other children a favor and call CPS. I know that you've had issues with them and are not a fan, but this is exactly the sort of situation they exist to deal with. These children are being mistreated horribly and hoping that some mandated reporter picks up on it is not going to do them any favors. What if they don't?
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Old 07-06-2005, 01:38 AM - Thread Starter
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*sigh*
he threatened to. But he didn't.

I tried spending a night at that bachelor pad I may or may not have mentioned before. DD was NOT having any of it. She kept on freaking the entire time I was there. I could not let BF2 get anywhere near her or she'd flip. And the man doesn't understand hygeine. I won't even begin to describe his kitchen... just.. *shudder*

I got given another copy of "supernanny" and I'm going to leave it out to see if I get a reaction from them. DP says that the longer we stay, the longer they start to parrot how we act with our kids which is a good thing.

27 days to go...
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Old 07-07-2005, 11:46 AM - Thread Starter
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Get this:
We're not "respecting" her enough and how dare we bring more toys up for DS and DD!

AUGH.

DP and BF had it out and explained to BF who hopefully will/has explained to GF why we don't want to spank DS as well as our point of view on things. That DS has no place here that is his other than his little fold out sofa thang and few if any toys. That DD has only a few toys that keep on getting played with by their kids (read: scattered, lost, stolen, etc) so she has nothing to play with. That we aren't getting enough sleep or for that matter private time. That the reason why I'm taking off with our kids every day is to get some "me" time of some sort. That their living room is in use 24/7 so of course its going to be messy...

The two of them hashed it out for half an hour if not longer. But some of our points of view were made and "make sense" to BF according to DP. I also got another copy of "Supernanny" (the book is nothing like the show!) and am trying to convince them (specifically her) to read it.

I'm also going to work on a schedule for the 8 of us and see if I can convince her to kill the naps for her kids in order to get them to go to sleep at a decent hour (8 instead of midnight!).

I expect either they'll help us or she'll drag her feet kicking and screaming. After all, her way is the _right_ way and her needs must be met before all others here - including her own children!

UGH!
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Old 09-27-2005, 06:56 PM - Thread Starter
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We've been gone from them for almost two months now. I'm in a "lifeskills" course.

Today they had a guest speaker. She put me into a flashback about what happened in june.

I am so glad I journaled it here. I'm taking this to my social worker. That woman needs help!
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Old 09-28-2005, 01:02 PM
 
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So things are better!

Good!
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