VENT! Irresponsible parents! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 22 Old 07-25-2005, 06:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quick rundown:

SO and I have been a couple over 2 years. We've lived together almost one year now. We each have 1 child from previous marriages. Mine, a dd 4, and his a ds 9. We each have respective full custody (my ex is terminating his parental rights). Dss's biomom sees him fairly regularly, although that is relatively new (will get to that in a moment).

My ex does nothing for my child. He has no interest in her. We live 3000 miles apart, and he's quite happy with that arrangement. He will not take phone calls, will not accept emails, nothing. He lives with his mother, and her and I are as close as ever. We write, send packages almost weekly, and talk on the phone at least once a week. My ex has just totally decided he doesn't want to be dd's parent. It took me a long time to deal with, but I'm honestly over it. I feel happy with my life now, and my SO has stepped up as dd's father. She's very happy now, and things couldn't have worked out better on our end.

Dss's biomom on the other hand, is a doozy! They divorced about 4 years ago. She didn't want custody, and wasn't interested in doing rehab to gain anything more than 'supervised visitation'. She was ordered to pay $340 a month in child support, plus help with work-related daycare, insurance etc. She paid nothing.

When I met SO almost 3 years ago, she was paying nothing, and had only paid the first 2 months after the order. She was calling dss about once a month, and seeing him about once every other month.

This went on for a while. Last summer, she starts calling more, and asking how she can start seeing him more. He was elated, we were too. This is his MOM, he deserves more than how she was treating him.

Well, turns out, she changed her tune, cause she was pregnant. Okay, good for her, right? Well, she starts paying some of the child support ($200 a month). This was the first time it was steady, so SO just didn't wanna fight it for the rest, and accepted when she gave.

She started seeing dss once every other week or so, and was calling fairly regularly.

As her pregnancy went on, it seemed she was finally clean (drugs), and doing okay for herself. Had a steady bf she was living with, and was taking care of herself. So, we decided she could take him unsupervised. I don't regret that choice, dss needed it really. He loves his mom

Anyway, baby was born in Feb, and she started giving us $120 a month. I got a job in March, and once I started working, it dropped to $80 a month. By June, she was down to $40 a month, but was assuring us she was getting a job.

Her and I get along,. not that we're friends, but we're friendly... So I offered to babysit her baby for free if she needed the help to get a steady job... I need to add, that the whole year she'd been paying us, she wasn;t working, her bf was paying the child support for her. But during that time his paychecks were garnished for his 3 children, so they started giving us less and less.

So, she gets a job in late June, and the following time she was to give us money, she gave us $100 (she usually did $100 every other week). This past Friday, we expected money again, but nothing. She didn't call all weekend.

SO called her this morning (as dss is with her today for a visit), and she told him she quit her job because daycare was too expensive, and that she has 'some' money for us. (Probably $20-40).

Now, I know I must sound petty going over the money in complete detail. But it pisses me off. It really does.

We do okay financially, we do. SO makes a good amount, and I make a good supplement to his check (weekend job). We can live without the child support, but it's easier when we do have that extra cash. She normally paid us the week between our paycheck week, and well, it helped! I won't lie, it was nice having the extra cash for groceries. (my account/paycheck is grocery money, and her support went into my account).

I can't complain too much. She calls dss almost daily now, and sees him at the very least twice a week. She's finally starting to spend time with him, and try this mom thing with him. But it just seems she doesn't want to be responsible for him, since SO and I have that basically covered

It's just so rough on some days, to remember that 4 people created these 2 children we have, and only the 2 of us are really doing anything to raise them..

I know I might get some flack for this post. It does sound selfish and petty, and it probably is, but I needed to vent and get this anger out. There's no point in keeping it in, ya know?
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#2 of 22 Old 07-25-2005, 11:00 PM
 
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No flak from here!

I couldve written your post!

I dont have much time to reply now but I just wanted to let you know someone feels for you.....
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#3 of 22 Old 07-26-2005, 03:02 AM
 
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She sounds like dss's mom, too, except she's never paid us anything!!! And she works under the table, when she does work, so there's no money for us to legally get anyway. Dh is proud that we don't need her money, but it would be nice to get something once in a while. Yes, she is irresponsible and it sucks, but be proud of the life that lead (without help from her) and enjoy the cash when it comes.
If she didn't have a job, why did she have to pay anything? Or was it back support?
Anyway, I know if feels petty at times to nitpick about the money, but someone has to do it, and I find that in our case, dh doesn't want to deal with it because it means dealing with her, so she gets away without paying anything. : I hope dh's ex is embarrassed that I pay for her son's medical insurance, clothes, karate lessons, etc. But she's probably not! :LOL
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#4 of 22 Old 07-26-2005, 12:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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She was ordered to pay what she was capable of earning. (gotta love CA laws!), and since she has a decent education, and has made good money in the past, it was proven she was capable of making XXX$ and of that was capable of paying $340 a month. Does that make sense?

She's behind, alot of money. We don't know how much, never thought to figure it out, as we'd never get it. Just last week we were considering filing to have her checks garnished, but of course, she quit, so that won't happen now.

About 2 years ago, she started working, and once SO filed to have her checks garnished, she quit that job too.

I just feel so resentful really. It bothers me alot, and I know that must sound horrible. It just bugs me to no end that I work and take care of her child on a daily basis, and she just gets to pick when to call, when to 'parent', and got to pick which of her children she would pay for/help feed etc. It bothers me alot. I have alot of anger and resentment over it
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#5 of 22 Old 07-26-2005, 03:42 PM
 
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first off, you are not being petty! not at all!

Dh ex is the same way. She picks and chooses when she feels like being a parent. We parent all the freakin time and yet, when she takes them out once to buy runners she ends up being a flippin goddess!

I know I wouldnt care about the money (or lack thereof) if she wasnt around, but its like, if I have to share parenting with you, it should be all shared, right? Not whatever she feels like today. I dont get to pick and choose. Dh doesnt get to pick and choose.

So, I understand your resentment. Its just not fair. But we do what we can right? I still struggle trying to let go of my anger. I tell myself that I'd rather have them than any amount of money over and over again.

My anger and resentment is almost gone. It still pops up from time to time. But then when it does, I go read my dsd school bio where she states the most important person in her life is me. Or the mothers day cards that say "mom" instead of laura. It usually melts away pretty fast.

If something like that doesnt work, you could always come here and vent!
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#6 of 22 Old 07-26-2005, 04:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much everyone for letting me vent. I know noone can help me in this one, which is why there was no question, and no advice needed really. Just need to vent, and know I'm not alone!

I hold alot of resentment and anger toward this woman over parenting. I'd be lying if I said it was all about money, the money is only the straw that's breaking this camel's back!

She ended up giving us $40 last night, and it looks like it might be the last for some time, unless she starts giving $20 every other week again. *sighs*

I know I've talked about this before here, but alot of my resentment is toward her having another child. First off, she doesn't do anything for dss, but goes off and has another?? Who does she think she is? Then the baby's born, and of course the new baby comes before dss always, and that bothers me too. If she's up all night with the baby, she cancels plans with dss, or forgets to call. What would this woman do if she actually had to raise her two children??

Also, it's no secret that I placed a baby for adoption last year. I did so with the knowledge that I would be taking on dss, and would be jumping from 1 child to 2 quickly, without that baby stage. I was going from a 3 year old, to a 3yo and 8yo, ya know? So, I made my decision with that in mind, (yes there were other reasons, and yes, it was my choice, I do not 'blame' that on anyone!). Yet, she comes along, and has herself a new baby and doesn't raise HER kid, that I raise. Ya know? Like, I gave up my child, so I could be an effective parent for my daughter, and my step-son, but she goes ahead, has another baby and just shoves dss on the backburner. It just burns me up.

*sighs*

Just alot of anger and resentment toward her. And toward myself.. I know I let it get to me, and I know she's a grown woman and 'allowed' to have as many children as she wants, when she wants. My daughter's adoption shouldn't even be part of the emotional equation for me... But in that totally illogical and irrational way, it is, and it just really hurts on some days.

Not all days. I do have good days. Days where I can see my parenting in dss. That he's no longer just a product of his father, and what little parenting from his mother, but that he's now becoming a product of me and my parenting too, ya know? I'm proud of him, and of myself.
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#7 of 22 Old 07-26-2005, 07:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
I know I've talked about this before here, but alot of my resentment is toward her having another child. First off, she doesn't do anything for dss, but goes off and has another?? Who does she think she is? Then the baby's born, and of course the new baby comes before dss always, and that bothers me too. If she's up all night with the baby, she cancels plans with dss, or forgets to call. What would this woman do if she actually had to raise her two children??
Oh, my gosh, I swear we are talking about the same woman!!! Dh's ex has a new baby, too and we hear it, baby's sick, so I can't come get dss today. . .etc. Where do these women come from?

I have heard of support orders like that, but in our case the biomom is uneducated and has never worked much so I guess we are out of luck!
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#8 of 22 Old 07-26-2005, 09:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That's the sad thing! Biomom is a well educated woman, and can do SO well for herself if she chose to!!! Instead, she turned to drugs and pretty much decided not to look back.

When she became pregnant, it seemed she finally cleaned up, and it does look like she's still clean, but she seems to see no reason to be responsible or for her son...
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#9 of 22 Old 07-27-2005, 12:11 AM
 
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okay, is this woman ALL of our dh ex?!

Dh ex has a new baby too - cant take care of these ones financially or emotionally; take us to court to have c/s lowered 'cause "shes sooo poor she cant pay her rent" (not likely, took a look at her financial situation and was making WAY more than her support was based on and still refused to pay) then goes and has another?!

I feel bad for the kids - arent they asking themselves why the new babe is good enough to keep but they're not? What must go thru their little minds....

Quote:
Also, it's no secret that I placed a baby for adoption last year. I did so with the knowledge that I would be taking on dss, and would be jumping from 1 child to 2 quickly, without that baby stage. I was going from a 3 year old, to a 3yo and 8yo, ya know? So, I made my decision with that in mind, (yes there were other reasons, and yes, it was my choice, I do not 'blame' that on anyone!). Yet, she comes along, and has herself a new baby and doesn't raise HER kid, that I raise. Ya know? Like, I gave up my child, so I could be an effective parent for my daughter, and my step-son, but she goes ahead, has another baby and just shoves dss on the backburner. It just burns me up.
you are an amazing human being and wonderful loving mother. It warms my heart to know that theres such good people in the world to cancel out the deadbeats

If she signed off her rights and disappeared, would you feel better? I mean, of course you would feel bad for dss but do you ever think it would be easier? I wonder this sometimes for me. I wouldnt care about the money if they were *all* mine, KWIM? Like, just go away and I'll deal with everything.
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#10 of 22 Old 07-27-2005, 02:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If she signed off her rights and disappeared, would you feel better? I mean, of course you would feel bad for dss but do you ever think it would be easier? I wonder this sometimes for me. I wouldnt care about the money if they were *all* mine, KWIM? Like, just go away and I'll deal with everything.
I used to think that I would love for her to just give up rights and disappear. But honestly, what I really want from her, is to step up and parent. To know that she's repsonsible for this child, just as much as his father is. She really seems to be the kind of person who thinks 'oh, he took on being the full-time father, so I don't have to be a mother', and she seems happy with that.
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#11 of 22 Old 07-27-2005, 04:14 PM
 
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yeah, that would be nice. parents stepping up. I think we have a better shot at winning the lottery than her stepping up. (and we dont buy lottery tickets so what does that say? :LOL )

do you ever feel resentment towards your dss? I'm having a reallllly bad day and once again we got screwed by the people trying to collect c/s for us and I felt this anger towards the kids. (I normally dont - I forget that I didnt birth them half the time!) But after getting off the phone with dh and finding out the wonderful screwed over news, I just felt........like, grrrr. Maybe I'll just kick them out and forget about them too - if she can, why cant I? Maybe I'll just be a deadbeat and be the "fun" parent in the mcmansion with money to take them toy shopping and out of town vacation and expensive resorts.

I'm sorry, I'm making this about me. Back to you. Better day for you today?
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#12 of 22 Old 07-27-2005, 06:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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do you ever feel resentment towards your dss? I'm having a reallllly bad day and once again we got screwed by the people trying to collect c/s for us and I felt this anger towards the kids. (I normally dont - I forget that I didnt birth them half the time!) But after getting off the phone with dh and finding out the wonderful screwed over news, I just felt........like, grrrr. Maybe I'll just kick them out and forget about them too - if she can, why cant I? Maybe I'll just be a deadbeat and be the "fun" parent in the mcmansion with money to take them toy shopping and out of town vacation and expensive resorts.

I'm sorry, I'm making this about me. Back to you. Better day for you today?
Thanks for the post! Talk about you and yours all you'd like, it's nice having someone to commiserate with!!

If I'm honest with myself, on realllllllllly bad days, I so hold resentment toward dss I never take it out on him though, and if anything spend the day beating myself up over it. None of this is his fault, he didn't ask for this, and I chose to take this on, ya know?

I never feel resentment toward my own daughter for her father's deadbeat status, so why is it different with dss? I don't know, but whyever that is, I feel guilty over it, and usually pretty angry with myself.

Things seems better today. Dss is with grandma today, and tomorrow biomom is seeing him for a few hours. I'm glad he sees her, and that she calls and all, I just wish she was more than what she is in his life.
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#13 of 22 Old 07-27-2005, 06:19 PM
 
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I never feel resentment toward my own daughter for her father's deadbeat status, so why is it different with dss?
Could it be that with your DD, you're stepping up to your own plate, so to speak; but with your DSS, you're stepping up to some one else's plate? Just a thought...
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#14 of 22 Old 07-27-2005, 06:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Could it be that with your DD, you're stepping up to your own plate, so to speak; but with your DSS, you're stepping up to some one else's plate? Just a thought...
I never thought of it that way, but now tjat you mention it...

I became pregnant with dd, chose to become a parent, gave birth all knowing that at anytime in my life, I could become a single parent, ya know? When coming into a relationship with a man with a child, I thought I'd be the step-mom, the 'helper' pretty much to a child who already HAS two parents. I didn't think I'd have to completely take over.

I don't mean that badly toward him, but toward biomom. Just bugs me to no end that she just KNOWS I'm here for dss, and therefore thinks she doesn't have to be. I will always be here for him, but this boy deserves his mom too...
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#15 of 22 Old 07-27-2005, 07:34 PM
 
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When I first got married, I wanted the biomom to disappear and it seemed like she might. . .but instead she moved from 300 miles away to 5 miles away!! I must say that inspite of flaking on him constantly, dss is soooo much happier. I think that for whatever reason that I don't fully understand, kids don't just want parents, they want their bioparents to want them. Even if they are losers. So when I wish she'd go away and just let me be the 100% mom, I stop that thought for dss's sake.
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#16 of 22 Old 07-28-2005, 02:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think that for whatever reason that I don't fully understand, kids don't just want parents, they want their bioparents to want them.
The funny thing is, I can relate to thi from the child's side. My parents pawned me off on my grandmother, and when she became sick, my aunt and uncle stepped in. Once my grandmother died, my parents moved on, and my aunt and uncle raised me from that point (I was 15).

My parents never wanted me, never had time for me, and when they moved, never called or anything.

I wanted them to want me so badly... And they never did. It still hurts like hell, but when I became pregnant with dd, I moved on and stopped trying to get my mom to love me..

I can relate, I really can. So I just don't understand why it's so hard for me to handle on the step-parent end, ya know?

Just alot of confusion.
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#17 of 22 Old 07-30-2005, 02:02 AM
 
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I can relate, I really can. So I just don't understand why it's so hard for me to handle on the step-parent end, ya know?

Just alot of confusion.
Step-parent/step-child relationships have got to be among the most difficult relationships on earth. We can understand everything intellectually, but that doesn't make the emotional reality any easier to deal with.

My situation is pretty different because DH and SS's bio-mom are both very involved in his life (they have 50/50 custody, legal and physical), but I can really relate to your feelings. DH always gets angrier than me at my ex when he doesn't hold his end of the rope, and I always get angrier at bio-mom than he does when she doesn't do her part.

I think that's natural, although it can engender resentments that are best not to indulge! The thing is, my kids are my kids. They'll be my kids forever. Their dad can't take them away from me because I'm their mom. But if DH died on his commute tomorrow, bio-mom would leave the state within the month (she's made it very clear that the only thing keeping her here is that the court won't let her take SS and go) and I'd be SOL. I'd never see SS again, unless bio-mom decided he needed to see his little brother (she doesn't acknowledge my kids from my first marriage as sibs at all, and I'm nothing but a babysitter in her eyes).

I guess the relationship just doesn't have the same kind of security or the same kind of bond. So when bio-mom calls me (I'm a sahm; she woh) on a Tuesday morning and says, "SS is sick; he's going to be with you today" I get . When my ex calls and says the same thing, I just cancel whatever I have going on that day and wait for him to drop my DS or DD off. Fair? No. And I do my damndest to give them all the same loving care no matter what, but my internal reactions tend to be different.

Sheesh, I don't know. Did any of that make any sense? I guess I just understand the confusion. Step-relationships are confusing by their very nature.

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#18 of 22 Old 07-30-2005, 02:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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uptownzoo! Thank you!

What it seems like I'm getting from this thread, that I kinda admit I needed, is validation. That it's normal to feel how I feel, and it doesn't mean I love dss any less, it just means we're still developing our relationship.

For me, if SO were to die tomorrow, I would probably lose dss to SO's mother, or would be a single mom to both children. I don't see biomom stepping up, even in that event.

The funny thing is, she seems to see herself as the babysitter, and me as his fulltime mom. I guess I should be grateful. She understands I take care of her child, and do it better than she does. But still, resentment!

Ah well, still working on those feelings!
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#19 of 22 Old 07-31-2005, 02:37 PM
 
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I sympathize with you-I am not a stepmom yet but I will be soon when my fiance and I get married-but I do have two beautiful daughters from a previous engagement that I have full custody of. Their father hasn't seen them in over two years except for two times, and one was by accident. He refuses to pay any child support at all although he constantly promises me though other people that he will. Right now I barely make enough to squeak by, and the child support would more then help out. So I understand the financial need- even if it is "extra" cash. Parents need to support their children both emotionally and financially-and we have so many parents who simply will do one and not the other, and it's really sad. You are justified in your anger. Although it is more than wondeful that she is there emotionally for her son, it doesn't excuse the fact that she does need to provide some sort of financial support.

Bethany, crunchy Christian mom to Destiny (11) Deanna (9), and Ethan (2)

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#20 of 22 Old 07-31-2005, 08:00 PM
 
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I think it is true that steprelationships don't have that security of bio ones, though the op points out that in reality, the bio ties aren't necessarily stronger. I know that if something happened to dh, I may or may not have dss in my life, but he really doesn't know that. He once joked that if we divorced, he'd get 3 christmases (mom, dad, and me ). He has also asked who'd get him if DH and I died (he was assuming I'd still have him if dh died) and said he'd choose my parents over his mom's parents. So, even if I see the ties could possilby not be forever, he doesn't really.
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#21 of 22 Old 08-01-2005, 01:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Flor
I think it is true that steprelationships don't have that security of bio ones, though the op points out that in reality, the bio ties aren't necessarily stronger. I know that if something happened to dh, I may or may not have dss in my life, but he really doesn't know that. He once joked that if we divorced, he'd get 3 christmases (mom, dad, and me ). He has also asked who'd get him if DH and I died (he was assuming I'd still have him if dh died) and said he'd choose my parents over his mom's parents. So, even if I see the ties could possilby not be forever, he doesn't really.
Dss and I haven't gotten to this level yet with our relationship. I aspire to though!

It really sounds wonderful Jennifer, and I really hope dss and I can develop this. Of course, I realize it will take time, but dangit! lol Patience is hard...
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#22 of 22 Old 08-16-2005, 08:06 PM
 
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I have to say I agree with you! My daughters are 8 now and it has been 5 years since their bio dad last saw them. He owes us almost 8 grand in child support. I am so mad at him I live in fear that he will come back into our lives, he loves to breeze in and get them calling him dad and then leave. My poor husband didn't know what to do last time that happened he was so hurt that the kids were told he wasn't the real dad. Right now aside from the fear of coming back we deal with the lack of support. We have Family Enforcement taking action but the ex just brushs them off and carries on as if he has no children at all. Makes me crazy!
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