UGH UGH UGH! Need to vent again! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 10 Old 07-26-2005, 06:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm so sorry, it really seems like all I can do is bitch lately I'm just pretty close to tears right now, and just need to get it out.

So, I vented about dss's biomom yesterday. More about her!

Today, I've got a migraine. It's been progressing slowly, but has just like pounded me. I asked dss if he wanted to call his mom and see if she could come get him for a bit. (so I can rest etc)

She told him, first, that she 'can't pick him up every day' (she saw him yesterday, and last Friday, so no, not 'every' day), and that secondly she doesn't like getting 'such short notice'. So, the answer is NO!

This is HEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR kid!!!!!!! I'm just, I'm crying right now. I can't stand this. Short notice?? What would've happened in an emergency?? And how DARE she tell this little boy she can't see him everyday?!?!

I'm mad at her, I'm mad for me, and mad for him.. Who does she think she is??
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#2 of 10 Old 07-26-2005, 06:38 PM
 
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Wow!!! It sounds like you really need a break. I know it is hard parenting children with an ignorant, self-absorbed bio-parent choosing not to be involved.

The best thing you can do is give yourself and break and then try and accept the situation for what it is. You can't control the way other people parent. Your expectations are not what is happening in reality. I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but when I finally dealt with this myself, most of my anger issues resolved themselves.

I have finally accepted that my dss's bio mom wasn't going to be responsible, wasn't going to pick him up every time she said, wouldn't see him as often as he wanted, and would take back promises. I decided to make up for that on my own, not to look like a better parent, but to help him realize what being a good parent is. I really want to make sure he knows how to be a good parent when the time comes and I hope my example will teach him (even though his mom has done a pretty good job of skewing what he has learned from his father and me).

It is defenitely hard work you didn't ask for, but you will be loved and respected by LOTS of people for it.

Do something for yourself and try to RELAX!!! Hugs to you!!
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#3 of 10 Old 07-26-2005, 07:16 PM
 
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That stinks. Our policy is to parent like she's not here. I mean we don't ask her for help, we have our own babysitters (ie. not her!) and if she stays in town, or leaves, or flakes, our life goes on. If dss is sick, dh or I stay home from work even though she doesn't work. We just felt we needed to not count on or ask for anything because she is sooo like the bio mom you describe and I could see her saying the same thing. You do sound like you need a break. Your dp needs to step in!
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#4 of 10 Old 07-26-2005, 07:50 PM
 
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((MOM))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))

I'm sorta new, so I'm wondering (guessing) you are the custodial?

My Dh's ex willingly gave up custody of her 4 girls (she actually demanded DH take them or she'd put them in foster homes) and for the first year, I beat my head against a wall trying to get her to be a better parent. She only took the girls when it was convenient for HER - never me; even when I was in labor with my BS, she wouldn't pick her kids up from school & take them to Dh's parents house while I gave birth - a neighbor of mine had to do it.... :

#1 You won't ever change HER. Give it up now and save yourself the Tylenol and therapy. You absolutely CANNOT control WHAT that woman does or says. You can only change the way YOU react to it.

#2 Re-negotiate your "deal" with Dh regarding his child. If you feel there may be times when it won't be in your ss's best interest, or yours, for him to be in your care - Dh needs to step up to the plate and make arrangements.

I dont know enough about your situation/arrangement - but you sound VERY frustrated... And I can 100% relate - as I have BTDT, for many-many years.

At first, I took on the 4 kids willingly...but then, it became over-whelming for me and with no "help" from their BM, well, I then had to go to Dh and make it HIS responsibility. After all, they ARE his kids, not mine. I have 5 of my own. It doesn't have to be done in a mean or nasty way - but your Dh MUST realize that if the bio-mom won't do "her part" then he must pick up the slack and/or find some alternatives so you are not going

PM me if you ever need to talk more... I'm thinking of you....
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#5 of 10 Old 07-26-2005, 09:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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SO and I talked briefly about this on the phone (between his meetings today), and we both agreed what bothered us most about this, is that she said these things to dss. She could've told him 'i can't today', but then told us these things later, ya know? He's had problems in the past with her coming out and saying she doesn't want to see him, and it just didn't need to be said to him.

I felt horrible asking her for 'help', but honestly, I was feeling desperate. Both kids were helpful, and let me nap some, so I'm feeling better now, and just feeling down that she said those things to dss.

We've decided to set a schedule for biomom to see dss. This day-to-day stuff and doing things at her whim just isn't working for us on a whole, ya know? There was never a set visitation, and we just always let her pick and choose her days, unless they conflicted with exsisting plans.

Who else has schedules and what are they like? Do you find they help, knowing what days things happen, and to try to trust the non-custodial parent will follow through? (that's my worry!)
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#6 of 10 Old 07-26-2005, 09:23 PM
 
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Schedules ROCK!!!!

I think they are really important for the kids to have some sense of stability, and also good for the parents to fall back on.

The problem is the constant temptation to alter the schedule--so it's good to establish what the criteria of "need" is for changing the schedule when it's originally set up. For example, not ok to change for parent wanting to go to a friend's party, ok to change so kid can go to a family member's birthday party, etc.

Our schedule probably won't help you since she's 50% custody. She switches houses every Monday evening before dinner. She is 9.5 y.o., and this system has been working beautifully for over 6 years. We live sorta close so she goes to the same school, etc.

But anyway, my point is that she always knows where's she's going to be and why. Bio-mom tries to adjust the schedule fairly regularly, but less and less over the years as DH has held steady and kept insisting on keeping the schedule.

It's too bad that your bio-mom had to talk to dss about those issues on the phone. I really don't know what some people are thinking!!! All schedule issues definitely need to be between the adults!!!

Good luck--hang in there--I hope your headache goes away sooner than later.

Adrienne
step-mom to dsd age 9.5 and expecting first baby 8/10!!
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#7 of 10 Old 07-27-2005, 12:19 AM
 
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I second the schedules.

They really do help alot. If they (the other parents) dont show up, we try and do something special for the kids so they dont feel too slighted. Not to mention, you're not waiting for the phone to ring and have your plans ruined! Its nice knowing that a month from now I can pick a date to do *whatever* knowing that my kids will or will not be home.

I agree with Flor on parenting like arent around - 'cause really, they're not.

Thats what we do, it does seem to help and alleviate some of the stress. It no longer feels that we're picking up her slack, we're just parenting.

Hugs to you!
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#8 of 10 Old 07-27-2005, 02:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, she called last night to ask to see him on Thursday. Dss has a habit of hovering when SO is on the phone with her, so he didn't get to talk about the things she said or the schedule (which, honestly bummed me out, I felt they needed to have that talk last night, and not put it off any longer).

Anyway, he's come up with Tue and Thur one week, then the following week Tue and the weekend. This is what he says he's comfortable with, and wants to talk to her about. I think it's okay, but I do think it leaves alot open for dss wanting to see her more, and it leaves alot for her to 'not be able to', if that makes sense. He also didn't clarify to me what the 'weekend' meant. If it was Friday night to Sunday, or just Saturday and Sunday. Or if he was to sleep at home during the nights, but spend both days with her. I'm not sure. We obviously have more talking to do about this...lol

He goes back to school in exactly 2 weeks, so it won't be such a huge deal once school starts, since his school is 2 blocks from his grandmother's (SO's mom), and 2 miles from our home, and I don't drive. He walks to grandma's after school and SO picks him up on his way home from work. So, on her days, biomom would just pick him up from school.

I really hope this schedule thing works. It does seem like it would be more stable for dss..
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#9 of 10 Old 07-27-2005, 07:41 PM
 
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During school year we do tues and thurs one week and tues and weekend the next. She picks up tues after school then she drops off at school on wed. Same on thursday. On her weekend end she picks up from school on Friday then we pick him up 10 am Sunday. During summers it's same but everything is 10am-10am, she picks up here, we pick up there. It works. At first we stuck to it religiously, now we are more flexible (and she with us). It is nice to have the whole month mapped out so when you make plans, it's already there.

It was not nice that she said that to dss. We have a policy that parents talk about visitation, etc. first, kids don't call and ask the other parent for just that reason.
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#10 of 10 Old 07-28-2005, 02:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flor
It was not nice that she said that to dss. We have a policy that parents talk about visitation, etc. first, kids don't call and ask the other parent for just that reason.
I agree that was partly my fault. I never call her, don't even have her number. (it's in our cell, but SO takes that to work, and we only have the one. We've never written numbers down for each other, although we've wanted to, just always slips our mind)

Plus, I still don't feel too comfy doing the talking with her, and either SO is too busy, at work, 'forgets', or for some reason just doesn't think he should talk to her about something.

I dunno. I'm having alot of issues in my life right now, and I probably shouldn't be focusing on this right now, and just leave it up to SO to be pissed about.
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