Gifts from my dh family to my daughter (my dh stepdaughter) - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 6 Old 07-28-2005, 02:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay how do you put it to your inlaws nicely that nice new gifts for their (okay maybe not 'nice' but new) biograndsons are nice, but the stepchild gifts have to stop...they have gifted my dd a quilt that my MIL didn't even wash - old family quilt - no not hand made, nothing a child would like....
but giftwrapped....or the 'new' purse for my dd - after christmas/newyears that she had used for newyears as I had to return some of my MIL's ID cards from it.....The 'new' gifts that she has gotten were obviously bargain bin stuff - wrong size, plain ugly, etc.

What do you say?
I think its horrid, I mean buy her a book....oh yeah they did that it happened to be about children who were abused by family members (good thing I read it first.....sigh)

8 might be enough
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#2 of 6 Old 07-29-2005, 07:41 PM
 
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Unfortunatley there are some mean, clueless people in this world. Your story reminded me of my good 'ol step-mother. When I was in my twenties my dad remarried. Bea (step-mom) had twin girls my age and a son. We were never invited to "her" house when her kids were there. And when we were, we were treated as "guests". Even at Christmas and holidays she kept us separate. My sister and I laugh now, about how we got the bargain bin gifts. And, we graciously received them. Bea would buy me, my sister, and my brother's wife all the same nightgown from Ross Dress For Less no doubt. We wondered, but never knew what her kids got for Christmas. It's not like money was an object. My father was quite wealthy. I remember one evening after my new husband and I had moved into our first home (back in '83) we invited Dad and Bea over for dinner. They drove up in their new Mercedes and she was so kind to bring me a house warming gift. It was a $2 plastic potted plant from K-mart! Again, I graciously accepted and thanked her for her thoughfulness and threw it outside for the dog to play with as soon as they left! Ahh fond memories!

Perhaps your MIL in some way must be angry or jealous of your relationship with your husband.

There is no nice way to tell her she's a complete idiot. No one is that stupid. She is totally intentional. (I used to think that Bea was just stupid). She was sly like a fox.

If you or your husband were to bring this to her attention, she would be in total denial. She must be a very controling personality. Don't let her have any control over your emotions.

When she gives your daughter a gift, tell her to accept it graciously, and then throw it to the dogs! Then go buy your daughter something special. It will make you feel better anyway!

Of course, that's not teaching your daughter much respect. Okay, what you could do, (it's not as much fun) would be to rise above her level. When there is a time for gift exchanges, buy her something absolutely wonderful and thoughtful. If it's important to you, win her over with kindness. It may just drive her crazy....

Good luck and God bless
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#3 of 6 Old 07-29-2005, 08:15 PM
 
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Now see, if one of my family members were to dare and treat my step-son this way, they would be told quickly and in no uncertain terms that if they could not treat all the children equally when it came to gifts, we would not be accepting ANY gifts for ANY of the children from them.

But that's just me - I'm blunt like that

I don't think you have to do it in front of the child - that would have the unfortunate result of just calling to her attention more the discrepancy. But I would definitely say something (in your case, have your *dh* say something) in private.
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#4 of 6 Old 07-30-2005, 01:32 AM
 
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Oh, yeah, I'd make noise. We've made it clear to all the grandparents that gift-giving has to be equal. Time spent with the kids does not have to be equal; the grandparents have special relationships with the kids they've known since birth, and that's OK, but no outrageous favoritism is allowed. I can't imagine what Christmas would be like if we hadn't made this rule clear from the start. My parents are pretty conservative about gift giving (they understand, and *gasp* respect our simple lifestyle), so there would be my kids with some new clothes, a few books, and a toy or two, and then there would be SS, snowed in under a mountain of toys. He'd be unwrapping for an hour after everyone else was finished! Of course, they've found a nifty way around this by sending all the "excess" gifts to bio-mom's house. :

OK, way to make it all about me, huh? : Sorry 'bout that. I have yet to meet a step-family that did not struggle with the kids' relationships with the extended families. The key for us has been to be very, very clear about the boundaries, and then to enforce them religiously. I know my ILs feel like we're treating them like children, but then that's how they act at times.

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#5 of 6 Old 08-01-2005, 03:34 PM
 
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You need to have your DH address this with his mom!!
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#6 of 6 Old 08-01-2005, 11:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Now see, if one of my family members were to dare and treat my step-son this way, they would be told quickly and in no uncertain terms that if they could not treat all the children equally when it came to gifts, we would not be accepting ANY gifts for ANY of the children from them.


This is what I had to deal with with my mother. Treated my skids poorly in the gift department. When I told her that make it equal or nothing at all, for anyone! she smartened up pretty quick.

Good luck!
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