my poor kids. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 10-12-2005, 07:23 PM - Thread Starter
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I went to a teacher/speech conference yesterday for my older kids. (7&9) Both of my older kids refer to my new husband as dad, and their bio as Tom. I knew that they did this at home, but I had no idea that it was so ingrained in them.

Sunday bio spent ONE HOUR with them for the first time in over three weeks. Durring that one hour, he promised the kids that he would pick them up on friday and bring them back sunday. Well, everynight since my oldest has been wetting the bed, and the youngest has been crying that she does not "feel safe or loved" at Tom's house.

I used to make sure that he talked to the kids every week, as in we would call him and make it happen. I have stopped doing that. I have stopped forcing him to be a dad, and I feel sooo badly for my babies. I no longer have the energy to encourage him to parent his children. I never would have chosed this man to be their father if I had known that he would be this way.

I guess my question is???? Am I doing the right thing by them? Should I start calling him weekly to have the kids talk to him, should I do more "I need you to take them on such and such date?" Or should I just let it all slide, and let their bio dad go on with his new life? There is no more animosity between us, he did what he did and now my life is the better for it.
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#2 of 3 Old 10-13-2005, 12:12 AM
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I am so sorry that this is happening to you. It's not fair to your kids at all. My kid's father has chosen not to be a part of their lives. For a while, I would call him, have my older daughter talk to him..but he was never regular unless I made him and he never called regularly. In the end, I told him that if he wanted to be a part of his children's lives, then he needed to have a regular routine set up. In situations like this, consitency(sp?) really is best.

Children are most secure when they know that to expect, and when they know they can trust and depend on their caregivers. When they can't depend on them, it creates a sense of anxiety and distrust. For awhile, I saw this in my older daughter every time she saw her biodad(I am engaged to a man who has taken my kids as his younger daughter doesn't know her bio dad by my older one knew him so that's why I only refer to one of my daughters). After a lot of discussion and decision making, I told my ex that he needed to be consistent or he needed to back off because it was having a terrible effect on her. He chose to back off. It was his decision, but overall my daughter is better of because she has two parents she can trust and depend on, but the damage was done, and she is still getting over anxiety and trust issues.

I would do some serious thinking, and talk it over with you children. Try to put yourself in their shoes and really listen to what they are feeling. Overall you know what's best for you family. I know it's especially hard when it's a biological parent that's the flaky(I guess that's the right word?) one. I know what a hard decision it is to make but your children deserve to feel safe and loved. I still wrestle whether what I did was the right choice, but overall I think it was the right choice for my family.

I hope things work out for you, and remember trust you instincts. Your love for your precious children will guide you to the right decision.

Bethany, crunchy Christian mom to Destiny (11) Deanna (9), and Ethan (2)

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#3 of 3 Old 10-13-2005, 12:44 PM
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Me too.

When I find a solution that really, truly, works for us, I'll tell you what it is- to be honest, it sounds like your family is further along the journey to harmony and happiness than we are, even now.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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