He is now on girlfriend #2, and he is living with her. My kids met her several times last summer (summer of '04), but didn't know at that time that they were seeing each other - they always just "met up" when he had the kids. Ironically, he was cheating on girlfriend #1 with girlfriend #2.
Back in the Spring he finally told me about girlfriend #2, and said he wanted to take the kids to the zoo with her and her two girls. At that time I didn't know it was serious, and I discussed with him the idea that we should lay some ground rules about who we introduce our kids too - ground rules that would work both ways. I explained to him that if it was serious I had no problems with the kids spending time with her, but that I felt it was something we should discuss with the kids together - not something that we should just throw them into unaware. He agreed with that, and zoo plans were put on hold.
A few weeks went by without him even coming to see the kids, let alone making time for a discussion with me/them, then he called me and told me he wanted to take the kids fishing for a couple of hours. I asked him if it was just going to be him and them and he said yes. He lied. Instead of taking them fishing, he took them to an amusement park with the girlfriend and her kids, and instead of bringing them home by 6:00 (which is when *he* said he'd bring them home, I didn't specify a time that I wanted them home, I just wanted him to let me know so I could make plans/not worry) he brought them home after 10:00, and didn't even bother to call me to tell me that they would be late. I'm sure you can all imagine how worried I was....
Sooo - let's fastforward. He hasn't taken them (or asked to take them) anywhere since May. He called yesterday and said he wanted to take them to a pumpkin patch today with girlfriend and her kids. I reminded him of the discussion we had had, and that I still felt it was something we should talk about together and with the kids. He really pressured me, and I let the kids go today. This time they were only 2 1/2 hours late.
Now (finally!) here's my question. Obviously this girlfriend is going to stay around. They are living together. And honestly, if he's happy, that's fine with me. I just feel like I should know something about her other than her name. If this lady is going to be spending time with my kids, shouldn't I at least meet her? Would it be totally weird of me to call her? I brought it up to him and he totally brushed me off. Heaven only knows what he's told her about me - I'm sure I'm being portrayed as a total bitch - I would like her to know that I'm really an okay person, and I'd like to know the same about her. Is that so wrong? Would it have totally weirded you out to have the ex call you to discuss the future? Any advice?
If you approach it in a very friendly way - hey, looks like you're going to be around, I wondered if we could get together sometime and get to know each other a little bit....... If she has a problem with that, there may be a problem. I believe that a good step-mom will try to have a friendly relationship with the biomom.
And as a stepmom, I think it's perfectly reasonable for a biomom to want to meet the woman who helps take care of her children.
The children come first, and if you keep yourself above reproach, their world will be better.
If this woman is living with your ex, and your children will be spending time with her, than I feel you have every right to demand meeting her. I realize that demand is a strong word, but this woman is going to be a part of their lives to some extent, and you have a right to know something about her other than what your ex tells you.
The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it. We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.
Apart from that, I'd absolutely have a problem with the on-again, off-again visits with his kids and the lateness. Not cool at all.