stepmom's mom not on her side - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-25-2005, 12:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My mother is old fashioned. She feels a child should be with it's mother regardless of what kind of mother she is. She feels fathers should just be visitors regarless of what role he played in the children's lives when they were married.

I explained to her that this is the oldendays where it's assumed the kids live with mom because most women back then didn't work and the men did. I told her that fathers have just as much of a right to their children as mothers.

She thinks that eventhough the kids live 50/50 that they just "visit" us and their mom's home is their "home".

I was so angry and I didn't know what to say to my mother. So I went back in age about 20 years and quickly said, "You're dumb." Woo hoo. Big come back.

Do any of you stepmoms have old-fashioned mothers that don't see "I to I" with you, especially when you husband is going to court to maintain his rights?
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Old 10-25-2005, 02:52 PM
 
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My SO has full custody of dss, and the family I have contact with, thinks that's great. They think it means he's a stand up guy, who is repsonsible and takes care of his own. (unlike my ex-h)

I don't have a relationship with my mother though, but I can imagine it's gotta sting to hear those things from your own mother.
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Old 10-25-2005, 10:20 PM
 
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I do! I do!

Its been 7 years dh and I have been together - 6 with kids full time. My mother STILL gives me grief. She makes no sense. But at least she's stopped "correcting" me when I say how many kids I have.

Its tough, not getting support where it should be, but then again, we have a rocky relationship at best.

My sis's and bro are very encouraging and have stepped up to auntie and uncle pretty fast. So, that helps.

Hows the rest of your family? Are they supportive?

Quote:
I was so angry and I didn't know what to say to my mother. So I went back in age about 20 years and quickly said, "You're dumb." Woo hoo. Big come back.
This made me laugh. I've gone back with some *snappy*, "oh just be quiet" or "dont talk to me". Sometimes the stupidity just makes you speechless, ya know?

Hang in there,
laura
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Old 10-25-2005, 11:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The rest of my family wants to drive my husband's ex out to some orchard and have a "what for" chat with her.

One big problem is that my mom lives with us. I hear her every day. She lost her house a year ago and moved in with me temporarily. It's been a year. I don't push her out because she's old and frail and needs someone to take care of her. My sisters & brothers aren't interested in taking care of her. They just want to pick on me if I get short with her for her rude comments.

Today she couldn't understand why my husband has a restraining order on his ex. She thinks it's because he can't stand up to her. Guess she thinks fighting daily is better than a restraining order. She thought my husband could just hold his ex and shake her a little if she hits him instead of calling the police. Of course a man should never hit a woman even if she hits him, so she says. I told her today that if a woman hits a man, she deserves to be hit back and visa-versa. That ticked her off. It felt good to dish it out for once. Let's just say she's old school where they handled things themselves wthout police or court.

Most things I like to handle myself, but when it comes to domestic violence or civil rights, I prefer the court system.
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Old 10-26-2005, 05:22 AM
 
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Let it go. She's old, she's infirm- and in some ways, she's right. To take a woman's children away from her is a pretty terrible thing to do. Also, to reject the conventional ideas that a woman in a violent relationship is ALWAYS at fault, always asked for it, would be unusual in someone of that age- this is the generation who turned a blind eye to DV.
FWIW, the only situation where I think it's OK for a man to hit a woman is if he's actually afraid for his life because there's a weapon involved. I'm a DV survivor, work at a refuge and from talking to other women, even where the woman initiated the argument or the physical contact, it often seems to be the man who misreads the situation and escalates things to the point of broken bones and hospital visits. There's a reason why people think men are stronger than women, you know?
She's probably also very worried for you because she doesn't trust your partner, so bear that in mind.
Hope things get easier.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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Old 10-26-2005, 12:26 PM
 
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Golly, you have your hands full, hey? Between this one and your other posts...

"Old and frail" or not, she seems to have no problem expressing her opinions in your home, however obviously unwelcome. Have you tried just stating flat out that "if" she's going to live with you, she needs to know that from now on her comments about your stepkids, their mom, and the whole situation are unwelcome. You can offer that, if that's going to be a problem, you can start helping her look for alternate accommodation. Honestly, it sounds like your house is way too crowded and your mom and siblings are taking advantage of you.


I'll assume that the comment about hitting the ex was you running off at the mouth to tick off your mother??? Especially given that you've preferred to go the restraining order route anyway. It sounds like your mother is old-school and figures a man should be able to 'handle' a woman without the authorities intervening. Whatever. Not her place to comment.
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Old 10-26-2005, 01:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, you're right MAMAMASTAR2.

I have a habbit of biting off more than I can chew. I would help the world if I could. I have 5 dogs that I took in, most were mistreated by others and some were abandoned. Now I take them to the shelter. I took in my mom because I wanted to take care of her. I know she's old and set in her ways. She's been like this my whole life, I shouldn't be surprised. Sometimes, I guess when I'm in a mood, she can really crawl under my skin. Most times I just ignore her because I have bigger problems to deal with. I stress so much about helping my stepchildren. It really hurts me when I see what their mother does to them.

As far as a man hitting a woman that is hitting him...my mom used to hit my dad when I was little. She would hit him and dare him to hit her. It usually happened when they were drinking. She doesn't think I remember, but I do. I just never bring it up. Her answer for everything was to hit them. There were several times that she hit him or threw things at him or tried to break his stuff. There were a couple of times where he finally had to throw her out of his way so he could leave the house. Once or twice I saw him slap her because she was coming at him with both hands.

Sad thing is...my sister has been in several DV relationships. Some, she hit her man, other times her man hit her. She never got help. I turned out totally opposite. When I get angry, I attack with my sharp tongue, not my fists.

I'm not old fashioned. I feel if I deliberately hit you to cause you pain (regardless of your gender or size) you have a right to hit me back.

But, I'm not a violent person. Even when my husband's ex tried to hit me. I just ducked and walked away. I could have hit her back, but that is not the kind of person I am. I prefer to put my taxpaying dollars to use and call the police. I prefer to get a restraining order.
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Old 10-26-2005, 09:58 PM
 
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My mom sounds like your mom.........Except she spewd a man should never hit a woman but say men always deserved what they got. I remember my mom calling my dad a stupid b@st@d and wondering why he would get mad.

It took me into adult hood to realize they were both abusive one hit with words the other fist. My dad figured out his issues. My mom still doesn't see hers.
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Old 10-27-2005, 12:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Have you tried just stating flat out that "if" she's going to live with you, she needs to know that from now on her comments about your stepkids, their mom, and the whole situation are unwelcome. You can offer that, if that's going to be a problem, you can start helping her look for alternate accommodation.
Yeah that! Its not her business, plain and simple.
My parents split up, so my mom is pretty understanding to some extent.
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