No, you shouldnt be kept in the dark. The only person that "helps" is the parents own insecurites. It doesnt help the kids one bit.
My ex and his wife see ds every other weekend. He leaves the big decision making to me and dh but likes to be informed and have a say. Which we do. That being said, whenever something comes up like, I want to switch weekends, or have ds come home early for something, I always add, "talk to ----(wife) about it and let me know." And he does the same for me. We respect each other and the new partners role in our childs life. It takes a village you know?
Now, dh ex wasnt to keen on answering with, "let me talk to laura about it and I'll get back to you". But I think she finally sees that I'm not trying to take her place, I'm just augmenting the parenting group. Now she either calls me directly (since I'm the sahm and run the house) or calls dh and says talk to laura then call me back.
It took a long time (6years and counting) and things still sway back and forth. But I've learned my words can hold alot so I be sure not to mention things like "home". Ex, I would say, "what time are you bringing them back?"
Little things like that seemed to help change her attitude.
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