Raising kids together or seprately? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 33 Old 12-21-2005, 07:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
It's like NO MATTER WHAT I SAY, SO has this way of taking it as the worst possible meaning EVER, and it hurts so badly. It's as though he thinks I'm an evil person with no chance of ever being caring or sincere.

We do still have this problem on occasion, but it is getting better and better. One day at a time really.
Ah, there's the rub - how to put it so he doesnt' take it defensively.

At this point, ya'll have probably disucssed it so much that anything you bring up on the topic will be filtered through his "defensive" ear, regardless of how you word it.

And you say things have been improving - I'm really, really glad to hear that.

Perhaps, at this point, you could just "cool it" on the issue. Make no mention of it. Basically, give him time to let his defensive guard down.

In the meantime, if something happens that leaves you feeling slighted as a partner in parenting DSS, maybe you can just hold the thought that it isn't about DH rejecting you as a parent to DSS, it isn't about DH not appreciating all you do for the family as a whole - but is rather about his own feelings of inadequacy (sp) and/or wanting and feeling the need to "prove" he's a good dad.

Maybe after some time of not having this be *THE* issue, the biggie, the one ya'll are always talking about, he'll be able to hear you a without the defensive filters when you say something like, "Oh - I didn't realize we had to do snacks for DSS's soccer this afternoon! How can we keep on the same page with this stuff? I'd hate for DSS to think *we* forgot."

Using "we" puts you guys in a "team" position and might be more well received, and while you darn well know *you* didn't forget, it lets DH save his dignity.

Best,
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#32 of 33 Old 12-21-2005, 07:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Things are definitley better for us, the issue right now is in-laws...lol Mine, to be exact. Sooooo, yeah, that's the new issue! lol
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#33 of 33 Old 01-04-2006, 11:00 PM
 
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Thank you for this thread. I am on the other side of things, I am having trouble letting my DP really parent my DS. A lot of the points made in this post hit home with me. Thanks for helping me to think through the issues I was dealing with.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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