Discipline vent - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 10-28-2005, 12:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
Kindermama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: she's only happy in the Son
Posts: 2,604
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I haven't posted on this board in a couple months but I'm feeling the need to get something off my chest and be heard by my fellow SMs.

scenario: DSS has been living with me & dh full time since Feb 2004. His mom lives many states away and hasn't seen him much although she recently remarried and has come back in our lives to claim her spot as his mother.

Anyway, I'm a SAHM. DSS is home with me full time with the exception of a couple hours of preschool each week. Also home with me, is our infant dd and my (now our) dd who is 6.

I'm getting tired of when DH jumps in when I'm trying to discipline and says "You'd never do that with K (6)" which immediately disconnects us, angers me and ultimately leads to a squabble between us, which obviously the kids sense since he jumps in in front of them. Very true that some things I would never do with my dd (6) and that is because she is 6 and much easier on my stress levels. I mean she's older, knows the rules, knows when I mean "business" and she's very independent. Now, my dss is very whiny, weepy and just downright unhappy 50% of his waking hours for obvious reasons...1) he's three 2) he's had a rough life with his mom abandoning him etc. The thing is I have certain expectations of my children/our children. I follow the 123 Magic book and well when 3 comes and he's still sticking his tongue out at me, whining, whimpering, throwing stuff, not helping to clean up his toys, not apologizing for hitting his sister, etc, he goes to time out. I'm not hitting him. I'm not emotionally abusing him. I'm just being a mom and setting boundaries. When needed, I use this method with my dd but with a longer time out. It might seem like I'm more rough with dss but that is because he's much harder to care for (naturally since he's three and a half) and he's home with me alot more than dd since she is in school.

What the heck can I do to get DH off my back. He is constantly putting a wedge in our relationship. He is very much a pushover with both kids. I'm more of the gentle disciplinarian whereas DH says something and then follows it with some pet name aka "No whining.....Silly!" : No effective in the least. The particular scenario was that I tried to distract my dss from whining (loudly)...I offered him a job to help me peel carrots. I offered him toys in the playroom. I asked if he wanted something to eat or drink. I got a poopy-face for each distraction and he kept whining...so I started counting...got to three and told him he needed to go with me to his room until he was ready to join us again. that's my DH jumped down my throat. Honestly, I would have done this with any of my children. Sometimes, I just don't have the patience to sit there and listen to whining after I've tried to help them come out of it.

Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
Kindermama is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 10-28-2005, 01:34 AM
 
Katt2005's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Metro-Detroit
Posts: 706
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would explain to him that is exactly what you DID do with DD(6) and what you WILL do with DD (baby) also. I think 123 Timeout is plenty fair with a 3 yr old. What else are you supposed to do? I would ask him that too. I hope you guys can come to an understanding.
Katt2005 is offline  
Old 10-28-2005, 01:35 AM
 
stressedstepmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 91
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Does your husband discipline your 6 year old? Have you told it to him the same way to wrote it to us? Your concerns sound reasonable.

I have the same problem with my 12 year old stepson. He is in more trouble than the other children because he deliberatly brakes the rules (often right in front of me). My problem is not with his father, but with his mother. She pampers and spoils him when he goes to her house to "help him get over his mean wicked stepmother who punshed him for no reason."

I sometimes feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and I'm concerned that when he becomes an adult he won't feel like he is responsible for his actions because mommy always protected him from being held responsible for his actions.

I finally realized that I will continue to raise him with the same standards, discipline, rewards, etc. as I have for all the children in my home.

Your problem is more dificult because you are dealing with your spouse whom you live with and see on a daily bases.

If I were you, I would suggest a parenting class for blended families so your husband can get advice from other parents & stepparents and instructors who have been in both your shoes. It's very helpful.
stressedstepmom is offline  
Old 10-28-2005, 11:51 AM
 
mammastar2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,690
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just a quick thought - you mentioned that you do the counting thing and that by "3", your stepson is still frequently engaging in the behaviour that you're asking him to stop, and also that he's whiny, unhappy, etc.

That suggests to me that you may want to try something different. Just because this was effective with your older child when she was younger doesn't mean it will work with him. It also seems like the counting-timeout dynamic could really set up a me versus my stepmom scenario for the little guy, which isn't going to do the overall family dynamic any favours. You might want to stop by the Gentle Discipline board for some ideas about other things to try...he sounds like a pretty sad, stressed-out little guy from your description, and I'd be concerned about any kind of disciplinary approach that doesn't seem to be addressing that to anyone's satisfaction.
mammastar2 is offline  
Old 10-29-2005, 12:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
Kindermama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: she's only happy in the Son
Posts: 2,604
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammastar2
That suggests to me that you may want to try something different. .

something different? :

I have told my dh all of this...I would have no issue c&píng my post here...that's howw up front I am about this with him.

Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
Kindermama is offline  
Old 10-29-2005, 02:10 AM
 
flapjack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: England, easily locatable by Google
Posts: 13,495
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


I'd consider going and reading (or re-reading) How to talk so kids will listen (and listen so kids will talk) by Faber and Mazlish, and also their book on sibling rivalry. If I'm reading your post properly, you've got two problems:
1) He's not very good at doing things that he's told: he doesn't like picking up his toys, hates apologising, sometimes throws stuff and is downright rude on occasions, like putting his tongue out at you. Discipline issues.
2) He whinges and whines.

The second one, I don't think you can use time-outs on. One of mine has started whining, and what's worked for us is simply saying that I find it hard to listen when he uses that tone of voice because it really irritates me. No belittling, no telling off, just a description of how his actions are affecting me. It could be worth a try.
The first: some kids need a lot of support to put toys away. What works with my boys, ridiculous as it sounds, is counting backwards instead of forwards to any given goal. We count down from ten toys to be put in the box, to zero- if someone runs off, they have to be back to me before I get to zero- and so on. I know it sounds like I'm nutty, but it works for us: plus, of course, it also leads to their favourite games (running round like rockets: always a good thing in their eyes)
He sounds like a really good kid apart from the whining, though: it does sound like he's just being very, very three- and that will pass anyway.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
flapjack is offline  
Old 10-30-2005, 12:20 AM
 
solareyna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 230
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I understand whre you're coming from, except with me its the other way around. i feel like dh can be a little tough on my (now our) 2 yo ds, but not punish his (now our) dd for the exact same things. I know its natural for ds to cry and whine a little as he is only two. I have started the rule that if he cannot ask for something in a nice (not whining) tone, he does not get it. If he throws a tantrum, it is time out for him. Lately, ds has been in the habit of whining for me when he gets in trouble with dh or if he thinks dh is upset with him and that irritates dh to no end. I do not baby ds at this point as I know that would be undermining dh, but I feel like he is a mommy's boy and dh thinks that is just terrible. I really hope he grows out of it soon.
As for your dss, maybe spending a little "special" time with just him once in a while will make him feel like he doesn't need to fight you all the time, especially since he has a mother that is in and out of his life. This may just be his way of getting your attention because he knows you are paying attention to him when he is getting in trouble. Of course, I may be totally off base, but wouldn't it be nice if it were just that easy for you to cure? Good luck, I hope you can work it out soon!
solareyna is offline  
Old 10-30-2005, 10:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
Kindermama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: she's only happy in the Son
Posts: 2,604
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by solareyna
I have started the rule that if he cannot ask for something in a nice (not whining) tone, he does not get it. If he throws a tantrum, it is time out for him. Lately, ds has been in the habit of whining for me when he gets in trouble with dh or if he thinks dh is upset with him and that irritates dh to no end. I do not baby ds at this point as I know that would be undermining dh, but I feel like he is a mommy's boy and dh thinks that is just terrible. I really hope he grows out of it soon.

this is what we do....seriously, we will not meet his requests unless he asks us in his "normal voice".

He is a great kid despite all this complaining I'm doing. I love spending time with him when he's in the moment and happy. We do spend time alone goofing off. But, I'm just frustrated because those times are hard to come by on a day to day basis and I feel like all I do is damage-control.

I wish there was an easy solution.

Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
Kindermama is offline  
Old 10-30-2005, 04:32 PM
 
solareyna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 230
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just pray for the day when his terrible twos (and threes) will be over. Sometimes that's all I can do...
solareyna is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off