Why am I upset about this!? (rant) - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-01-2005, 11:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, I am not actually married yet, but my FI has a 6 year old daughter and we have been living together for a year and a half now. We have his daughter about 10 days per month. We are planning our wedding for next March.

Last week he found out that his ex is getting married. In January. Because she is pregnant and due in June. Basically my FI told me all this, and he was pissed. Mainly because she has only been dating this guy for about 3 months, and he foresees total disaster. I just told him there was no point getting upset about it, and to try to be positive about it. At least her new marriage and baby will hopefully occupy her time a little bit more, so that she will have less time to spend nit-picking everything we do (she is exasperating.) FI definitely has unresolved anger towards his ex - basically after she stopped taking the pill without telling him and got pregnant, he never trusted her again. I don't really agree with that anger, but it's hard for me to try to address it.

But now, I just can't seem to shake feeling pissed off about this. I'm not sure why. Am I jealous? Well, it does seem to me that the ex is very concerned with getting married before we do. This is the second time she has been engaged in the past 2 years. The first time, she ended up breaking up with the guy, but not before moving in with him for several months.

I feel a bit of apprehension about all this I guess. FI does not have any type of legal documentation with his ex - they were never married and there is nothing on paper with regards to how much child support he should be paying, custody, nothing. I think that is totally crazy but he doesn't want to piss her off and sees any sort of legal action as "taking her to court." I'm just talking about having a legal agreement, not trying to get full custody or anything like that. He pays her $300 per month, plus half of daycare expenses.

Anyway, I guess I just need to figure out how to let go of my anger towards this woman. Just when I thought I was starting to learn how to get along with her, now suddenly I feel furious with her again. Some days I think I must be crazy for getting myself into all this...

ok... rant mode off...
thanks for listening....
i know i should not be pissed about this. it's very immature of me. i just don't know how to stop it. FI has been grumpy since we heard this news, and his daughter has been totally impossible. (hopefully this is a coincidence.) Ah, well, life is a learning process, right?

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Old 11-01-2005, 11:35 PM
 
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hugs to you. I think it's normal that you would feel upset and maybe even angry about the situation. Don't know if it's logical or not. (Many reasons could contribute including her taking positive focus away from your own wedding plans, the whole undocumented legal stuff between your fiance and his ex, your FI's grouchiness about the whole thing and his daughter's grumpiness, etc.) I think one thing that would bug me is just that it brings up a lot of unfinished business (feelings and legal matters, etc.) for your future DH at a time when the focus should be on you. Jealous? Maybe some.

Please stop beating yourself up about feeling the way you do. Accept that this may be a more difficult time for you than expected. It sounds like logically you know where you stand. It's OK to let your emotions catch up. And it might help your relationship with FI if he deals with some of his issues regarding his ex now. Good luck and welcome to MDC.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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Old 11-02-2005, 01:49 AM
 
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If I were you're fiance, I would get some legal paperwork stating I was the NCP at least. He would get some legal say in school, daycare, moving, etc. What if once she get's married she decides to move far away with her new family? I've seen it happen. New spouse takes family and you're S.O.L.

Regarding the marriage thing...my husband's ex got married 3 months after we did. We had a simple church wedding in my old home town church. She went to vegas and took the kids down the strip screaming out of the top of a limo. I just figure our weddings fit our personalities and need for attention.

Think positive. She'll be someone else's problem (hopefully). My husband's ex was also pregnant when she got married. We had hoped that a new husband and child would occupy her time. It didn't. She got worse because she had husband's $$$ to spend on attorneys. Let's hope your situation turns out different.

Oh yeah, and her baby is a brat. Cries all day and night. Sometimes she tells a mutual friend how angry she is about where she is in life (crying baby, only 50% of custody and her husband isn't as handsome as she'd like, her words), I have no baby and I have an awesome husband that she can't keep her eyes off when she's around him, and enjoy the 50% custody we have.

It's not bad to be a little jealous, but don't let it show whatever you do. Just remember, you have what you want she shouldn't have anything you want.
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Old 11-02-2005, 02:29 AM
 
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SO and also are not yet married, with no date set either.

His ex-wife however had a new baby this past Feb and is getting married soon (she's been saying this for the past year, but who knows!).

Honestly, this makes me jealous too. She's got the baby, and soon will be married, most likely before me, those are 2 things I want, that she has. She also has the love of my step-son, whom I raise, but I'm just the step-mom, she's the world's greatest woman *sighs* Yup, I'm jealous of her...

Anyway, don't beat yourself up, jealousy is human.

Get your fiance working on getting an attorney and having simple custody agreements/child support/etc in writing as soon as possible. That way, when things go bad (for EITHER him or the ex), they have legal paperwork to fall back on...
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Old 11-03-2005, 12:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Am I out of touch on this? I think it is unusual to have no legal agreement, but FI seems to think it is normal, that only couples who are having court battles would have anything laid out on paper...

The main problem with this is that he is afraid to piss her off, for fear that she will refuse him access, or take him to court for more money.

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Old 11-03-2005, 12:51 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie
Am I out of touch on this? I think it is unusual to have no legal agreement, but FI seems to think it is normal, that only couples who are having court battles would have anything laid out on paper...

The main problem with this is that he is afraid to piss her off, for fear that she will refuse him access, or take him to court for more money.

Many men have this fear of pissing ex off and don't fight. They don't want to cause more problems for their children. They definantly don't want to be cut off/out. Yes, there is a lot of people that don't have legal agreements. But with your FI's fear of loosing a child he could by not having paperwork. They find out later this is the wrong way to do it. All this child support he is paying will be completely ignored in the courts. If it wasn't ordered the courts won't care if he only gave her a dime or a million dollars in their eyes he hasn't paid any (in most states). Once she is out of reach it is harder to regain custody or visitation. She as it can stand leave and your FI is screwed out of his child.

Encourage him to get legal papers.
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Old 11-08-2005, 01:59 AM
 
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My ex and I wrote up our own agreement, signed it and filed it with the court. No lawyer involved. We created the custody and support arrangement ourselves. We addressed physical and legal custody, visitation, holidays and support. It was a couple pages long. As long as they agree, it should be no big deal. Once it is filed, it s legally enforceable. HTH.

Tracey, mama of 5 beloved children here with me on Earth and one precious son I will meet again in Heaven 6/17/09 - 9/6/09.

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