"You're Not My Mom" - what's your answer? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 38 Old 04-20-2007, 02:27 PM
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I am a step-mum, as well, and I have heard "you're not my mother" more times than I can count.

A lot of the other posts to this thread seem to indicate (please correct me if I'm wrong) that the poster is hurt/offended when their step-children say that phrase to them. I have two thoughts on the subject:

First, we need to remember that the statement is, in fact, true, whether or not we wish to be reminded of it.

Secondly, I think it's important for us to be adult enough to not be hurt by the words that are being said, and be compassionate enough to understand that the child is really saying something more along the lines of "I miss my mother.", "I need to be 'mothered' right now.", or "Please don't try to take my mother's place, or usurp my mother."

Just food for thought.
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#32 of 38 Old 04-20-2007, 02:56 PM
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your responses are all great.

right now I'm so annoyed with my sd I might respond 'thank god.'


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#33 of 38 Old 04-20-2007, 03:21 PM
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It seemed like in the original post, the SD was announcing to her friends. I know that whenever I picked up at preschool, as soon as one of the kids saw me (or any other pick-up person, be it grandma, sitter, SMom, whoever) the cry would go up: "[My kid]!!! Your mom's here!!" When our sitter picked up, the kid who actually saw her would yell something like "[My kid]!!! Time to go!!!!" and then other kids who didn't see the sitter just assumed it was me, and yelled "[My kid]!!! Your mom's here!!!" and my kid would tell them, in a you-sillies-tone, "That's not my MOM. That's [sitter]!!" I'm sure if there was a SMom in my children's lives, they'd have said something like "She's not my mom!" - but because they would be being dismissive of their friends' mistake, not dismissive of the person coming to get them.
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#34 of 38 Old 04-23-2007, 01:09 PM
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Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
When I was a step mom, I always replied.... "nope, I am the WOMAN WHO CHOOSES to love you"

or I would then say to them " hey cinderella, get your booty in the car" they were older kids, about 13 and 14 when we were no longer family.

I miss the girls, I have not seen, heard or talked to them in about 3 years. They were actually my ex's former step daughters and I worked very hard at him keeping a relationship with them going. When we split up, he stopped seeing the girls.

Just to add to this... the girls are back in my life... thankyou myspace!!!! and they tell me I am STILL their "other mother" and I am about to be the "other grand ma":
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#35 of 38 Old 04-25-2007, 12:49 PM
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We have not had this exact issue yet. DSS is 3.5 but we have had people in stores refer to me as his mom and have decided so as not to either reject him or confuse him that I say. "His Mom is Michelle I am his Molly". He has always referred to me as Molly and I don't know if he would know what a stepmother is. We haven't had questions about my authority because I have been around since he was a baby and my dh and I have always been clear that I am one of DSS parents with all rights, responsibilties ect...

He has occassionally experessed that he would like me to go live at his mom's house and would like him mom, dad to live at our house he fluctuates on whether his brother gets to come with me or stays with them. I always try to encourage him to talk about these sorts of feelings, him living with his mom and his dad and visiting me at his mom's house, me putting his brother back in my tummy or mailing him away whatever.

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#36 of 38 Old 04-25-2007, 11:37 PM
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I am not a step mom but was a step child. i felt like I always had to clarify this. just for the record. he is not my dad. my dad is a creep who lives in Virginia and and this creep is my step dad. . . . my moms insistence that I finally had a dad did not help. nor did her casually trying to change my last name to his. I didn't like my dad but he was mine for better or for worse. and gosh darn it people were going to have all the facts.

So it sounds like your dsd is just clarifying. and well she should. but since it hurts your feelings (understandably) perhaps if she is old enough you could interject something along the lines of "hey why don't you tell them who I *am* then so they don't think i am kidnappin' ya " if she is not inclined to introduce you then maybe it would help her if you set the record straight. I am Suzie and am lucky enough to be her step mom"

just don't assume her clarification has anything to do with you personally. She very well may want to make sure you get the honor you are due. you are no ordinary mom after all. you are step mom and that is different and cool in its own way. My friends DSD was talking with a neighbor kid and neighbor kid introduced her step mom and friends kid got super excited because hey! she had a step mom too!! and couldn't wait to tell her new friend all about her mom and her step mom and her dad and her sister and her dog and . . . . .

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#37 of 38 Old 04-27-2007, 08:32 AM
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I would say "You're right I'm not your mom because you already have a great mom." But then go on to discuss that it's ok to feel - x y z - but it's not ok to do xyz.

We talk a lot about how we're all going to feel a lot of emotions: sadness, frustration, disappointment, confusion, anger... but there needs to be an appropriate way to express those feelings.
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#38 of 38 Old 06-14-2007, 09:13 PM - Thread Starter
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OK, I'm reviving an old thread... but "you're not my mom" has morphed. Now when I ask her to do something DSD says, sarcastically, Okay, MOM.

At first I said nothing, but last time she said it, I responded with, "Aw, that's so sweet, Thank You!" To which I got and a sigh. This child is 8 going on 16, I swear.

I can already hear my stepdad's voice in my head... "don't you roll your eyes at me, young lady"

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