inappropriate words used at dad's - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 5 Old 11-24-2005, 02:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am fuming, I would be less POed if my son had told his little sis to F off. He called her a retard, a word that is soo offensive that my blood is hot. Should I talk to the ex, as it is a word that is being used by his step kids towards his kids. In the past he has said I over reacted when the kids have come back with this kind of crap being said.

Is this okay to let go, in the mindset of peace or is it a battle to fight?
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#2 of 5 Old 11-24-2005, 06:29 AM
 
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I used to work with people with learning difficulties, still volunteer as an advocate, and you can't let it go. Even if you choose not to speak to your ex about it (and, frankly, I would) you NEED to do some serious debriefing with your children about this, and make very sure they never use those words again.
Is there any way you can get them into contact with people with learning difficulties? Let your children see what the insult means, so they have the information at their disposal to choose to fight it or ignore it. Kiddies have a tendency to be very evangelical, as well as very fair and compassionate: I don't think they'd let it go easily, if they understand the points made.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#3 of 5 Old 11-24-2005, 02:43 PM
 
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I would explain that we dont use words like that in our house - ever. Just b/c they are "okay" at dads, they are not here.
I would give a phone call to the ex to calmly let him know that I dont approve, but in the end, you can only control what goes on in your home. Explain why using the words are wrong (insensitive, cowardly, swear words are for people who cant think of something intelligent to say, and ds, you're intelligent, etc)

We had an issue close to this with my ex. He would take ds out to the family farm and ex and his bro's would take ds out in the woods and teach him to shoot with a bb gun. Ds shot a bird. Blech.
I asked ex not to do it, he said he wouldnt stop, helping enviroment, blah blah bull. I cant stop him. I cant stop ds from seeing him. So, I talked to ds about what it meant to kill a bird - a living creature. I told ds that I would prefer he didnt play with the bb gun but since I'm not there, he has to make a choice. In the end, he still played with the bb gun, but he stopped shooting animals (just cans).

Kids will sadly pick up undesirable language any and everywhere, the best we can do is teach why its wrong. (which you're already doing...)

So, I say, sorta let it go, but treat it in your home. You cant change theirs.
peace.


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#4 of 5 Old 11-24-2005, 03:51 PM
 
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I would totally deal with your kids in your home about the word.

As to if you should talk to your ex...do you think his stepkids's behavior is in his control? Do you think he parents them or does his wife do that alone? Do you think he would listen to your concerns or do you think you and him have a pretty difficult dynamic and this would be "just one more thing"?

If things are good between you I would mention it for sure. I wouldn't try to tell him what to do, just express your concerns. I would focus on how sad it makes you that his and your kids are being called that and that now you see it effecting them. Be factual...this is what I see. Don't demand any specific action (since you really can't demand he do anything in his home and it will probobly irk him if you try) instead just talk about what you see and let him choose how to respond.

If your relationship is already bad then just drop it...you know he won't listen so why bother...think of that teaching a pig to wistle analogy.

I am really sorry. I hate it when my kids are negativly impacted by garbage that my skids bring from the other house. It really makes my blood boil. In my case it works best if I deal with what we will alow at my home but don't try to talk to the "other side" about things.
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#5 of 5 Old 11-28-2005, 02:23 PM
 
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I would just let your children know what's okay at their father's may not be appropriate at your home. Children of divorce have to learn a hard lesson... that rules are not the same everywhere they go and that there are 2 sets of rules they need to learn. Should you talk to your ex... would it do any good? If you don't have a relationship where you can talk to him about things you don't agree with, you're probably better of to just let it go and let your children know they shouldn't talk like that and control only what goes on at your home and hope that they learn the lessons and continue with them while they're over there despite what they are allowed to do. Good Luck.

Jeri, Natural lovin' Mama to Elijah (9.29.03), Eden (10.2.06), and a little one lost along the way (1/12)., Step-monster to Shelby (18) and Stephen (16). Celebrating 12 years together with my soul-mate, Eric. Hoping for a rainbow1284.gif someday! 
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