Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Bywater, West Farthing
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As both a bio and an adoptive parent, I have to say that your husband's behavior is appalling. There is no reason whatsoever that he can't love your children as much as he loves his birth children. If he doesn't it is because he has chosen not to, not because it can't be done.
If it were me, I would tell him that you guys need couple's counseling to work this out. Your kids might very possibly grow to resent you if you tolerate him treating them poorly. One of the things I would ask the counselor to address are some ground rules for how the children (ALL of them) are treated.
When your husband decided to marry you, he knew you were a package deal. He can't have you without the kids, and if he can't be a dad to the kids then he shouldn't be a husband to you. Sorry if that's too blunt.
My FIL was not into us adopting our son. He told us flat out that our son would never be his grandchild. I told him, "I don't know what's in your heart and I can't make you love him like he's your grandson, but you DAMN WELL BETTER ACT LIKE YOU DO!" (Luckily, in our case, it took my FIL about 9.5 minutes to become Efram's biggest fan, and he dotes on him.)
Ps. In my family of origin, I have an adopted sister. My dad adopted my step-mom's daughter. He sat us down and explained to us that we are ALL his children and that NONE of us is more or less his child, and to expect that to be reflected even after he's gone (will and inheritance). So yes, stepfathers can love their stepchildren as their own.