Am I living in a fantasy world? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 11-25-2005, 10:27 PM - Thread Starter
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My dh and I have been married for two years, but were friends for many years when both he and I were in our previous marriages. Because we already knew each other and our children were very good friends I thought that this would work out great. Well it is great, but I get upset with him sometimes, becuse he says he will never feel the same about his dsc as his bc. I do understand that there is a different feeling, but I do not think that they should be treated differently. He will let our dd together do ANYTHING that she wants to and say "she can because she is my dd" That must make the other children so upset.
I have three children from my first marriage and one from my second and one with my dh now. My dh from my second marriage was killed, so my dh now is the only daddy that my ds has ever known because he was only 11months when it happened. My dh says that he is his ds, but will not do the same for the first three. Their dad lives 5 states away and NEVER sees them and calls maybe 4X a year. My dh's family will call to visit and say you can bring the two youngest but not the 3 older ones. My dh doesn't see a problem with this because they are "not his children"
Am I hoping for too much that my dh will love these children as his own? He told me last night that this isn't the movies and that no one really lives like that. That I am just living in a fantasy world. Am I?

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#2 of 8 Old 11-26-2005, 01:20 PM
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I think you can't change how a person feels and you ought not set that as a goal ever or have expectations about how another person FEELS. But I Do think you can require a standard of behavior from an adult.

I think your husband is behaving quite badly and you ought to require a different standard of behavior. I also would not allow the grandparents seperating the children like that. It is an affront to you- saying YOUR kids (and arn't you thier DAUGHTER IN LAW NOW) aren't thier family..well you are thier daughter so your kids are thier kids.

OK I am done ranting.

I think you need to demand a different standard of behavior.
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#3 of 8 Old 11-27-2005, 12:08 AM
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: He doesn't have to love them the same, but he does need to treat them the same. They are children, regardless of whose they are.
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#4 of 8 Old 11-27-2005, 10:49 PM
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I think it IS tough to think of all the children as the same BUT I agree that the kids should all get the same treatment. My x was killed as well and I know that I am VERY sensitive about how my ds is treated VS dsd.
Dh will try to explain treating ds diff is b/c he is a boy and that he feels that ds is "his" child. But I INSIST that they are treated the same and saying b/c the sexes are diff is b.s. Boys needs are the same as girls needs emotional, mentally and financially. You need to hold the standard and I know its TOUGH but it can be doable. A fantasy world is assuming it's "easy". You are crash courses into realtiy though and you know its tough.
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#5 of 8 Old 11-27-2005, 11:06 PM
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As both a bio and an adoptive parent, I have to say that your husband's behavior is appalling. There is no reason whatsoever that he can't love your children as much as he loves his birth children. If he doesn't it is because he has chosen not to, not because it can't be done.

If it were me, I would tell him that you guys need couple's counseling to work this out. Your kids might very possibly grow to resent you if you tolerate him treating them poorly. One of the things I would ask the counselor to address are some ground rules for how the children (ALL of them) are treated.

When your husband decided to marry you, he knew you were a package deal. He can't have you without the kids, and if he can't be a dad to the kids then he shouldn't be a husband to you. Sorry if that's too blunt.

My FIL was not into us adopting our son. He told us flat out that our son would never be his grandchild. I told him, "I don't know what's in your heart and I can't make you love him like he's your grandson, but you DAMN WELL BETTER ACT LIKE YOU DO!" (Luckily, in our case, it took my FIL about 9.5 minutes to become Efram's biggest fan, and he dotes on him.)


Ps. In my family of origin, I have an adopted sister. My dad adopted my step-mom's daughter. He sat us down and explained to us that we are ALL his children and that NONE of us is more or less his child, and to expect that to be reflected even after he's gone (will and inheritance). So yes, stepfathers can love their stepchildren as their own.
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#6 of 8 Old 11-28-2005, 11:53 AM - Thread Starter
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Thank You all so much for your replies!! I think the problem is, is that I LOVE children!! I would adopt a 100 of them if I could and LOVE them to death! I guess my dh does not feel the same way about children as I do. Guess I should have looked into that before I married him huh? Now the best that we can do is demand equal treatment. He has three girls from his first marriage. I could never imagine telling him "we are going to my family's house don't bring your girls" I love his girls and am proud to be their step-mom! I would take them anywhere! He doesn't even bother to really see them, so I guess if he treats his flesh and blood like that why would expect more for my dc? I think that you are right, counseling is in order. The kids may put up with it for now, but will resent him later. : Thanks again!
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#7 of 8 Old 11-28-2005, 04:51 PM
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There are small differences in how I feel about my bio son and step son. For example, I am really paranoid about ds. I feel panicky when he is out of my sight. Dss is older, and maybe I'll feel different when ds is older, but I have never felt that "Is he ok????" panic, even though I have loved him for 5 years now. I don't know why. However, I can controll my actions and I won't treat them differently. I won't have 2 children in my house treated differently. I hope you can do counselling or something, it is heartbreaking to think about.
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#8 of 8 Old 11-29-2005, 01:35 PM
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Sometimes I have the opposite effect of you guys. Sometimes I feel my husband treats my son better than his two children. My son has even come to me and said, "me & stepbrother were doing the same thing and stepdad yelled at him, but not at me". He said it wasn't fair to stepbrother.

I had numerous conversations with my husband about the fact that he is my son's parent now, and not his friend. He says he doesn't want my son mad at him. I said kids get mad at parents, it happens.

If your husbands parents don't treat your older children as family, then that may have a big influence on your husband's attitude. Looks like you need to sit husband and inlaws down for a family meeting. Take care of it all at once.

If it were me...I would be offended if I were accepted, but my son wasn't. If you don't want my son around, then you don't want me around either.

I hope the older children don't see it the way you do.
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