NCP bedrooms for skids? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 25 Old 11-26-2005, 01:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Do you keep a bedroom for your skids? Do they have thier own room? If there is more than one do they each have their own room? Do your bio kids share a room to have room for the skid's room?
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#2 of 25 Old 11-27-2005, 01:46 AM
 
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I am bio mom, with custody of the kids. Before, when ex and I were together, he had former stepkids from his second marriage that would come over for weekend visits. I had our two share a room, so that Sam and Ang would have their own space at our house.


Now, the ex has remarried and she has a bunch of kids. Our kids have no place of their own at his house, infact the kids call it "t's house" as in his wife, not his house. In the four years since our divorce and seperation, they have never had their own space at their bio dad's.


If you can justify in you mind the waste of the room when the step kids are not their PLEASE do it for their sake. I know my kids are suffering at their dad's cause they do not have their own space. It has made them feel like their dad's houe is not their home, they are second class citizens, and they rarely want to go there.
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#3 of 25 Old 11-27-2005, 10:45 PM
 
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I personally made the choice when we bought this house to make sure there would be enough rooms for dsd to have her own. Its not always possible I know but I read somewhere that its important to have some spot to call their own and if it can't be a whole room that a closet, dresser etc can help too.
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#4 of 25 Old 11-28-2005, 12:57 PM
 
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When dh and I were first seeing each other and not yet living together, I didn't have a room for his kids. When dh first started sleeping over, we set up a sleeping area for the kids upstairs but they had to bring sleeping bags. That was just how it was with them anyway since dh was living at his mothers at the time and she didn't have room for dh and 2 kids...

Once dh did move in FT, I set up one bedroom with bunkbeds for the kids, then 5 & 7. We also moved our bedroom upstairs and left the 3rd bedroom set up for the cats I had 3 cats at the time and preferred to have their stuff all in that one room.

When DSD and DSS hit 7 & 9, we thought they might appreciate separate bedrooms. We found another set of bunkbeds at a garage sale with matching dressers and end tables and snatched it up. I moved the cats' stuff into my laundry area. Right around then, I got pregnant

We sort of figured the kids would love having their own rooms but that was not the case. They preferred to be in the same room still... We almost made DSS's room DS's room... but figured we'd have ds in our room anyway so we just left it...

Now that the kids are 10 & 12 they do like their own space. They do know full well that they will be sharing their rooms with their younger siblings when the time comes

FWIW, the ex's fiance didn't make room for the kids until just recently, like the past 3 months. He has a 2 bedroom, and his 20 YO was living with him until very recently. The fiance has finally started an addition for another bedroom and got his 20 YO to move out. So the kids slept on his nasty living room floor for at least 5 years... However, most of the time the ex lived with her parents so at least at their grandparents they had beds.

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#5 of 25 Old 06-17-2007, 09:30 PM
 
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My stepdaughter's Mother somehow made it court ordered for overnight visitation that she have her own bedroom. Now, I completely agree that any child should have a space of their own and, if possible, a bedroom of their own, however, this ruling was made with the knowledge that my Husband and I would not be able to afford a four bedroom apartment (my son just turned 12, gets his own room, my 6 1/2 year old stepdaughter gets her own room, and the third is our bedroom), so therefore will not be able to have a child of our own, something that is common knowledge that would have been very special for us. I don't agree with that kind of extreme. If she was "our" daughter, we would have had a third child and she would have shared a room, for how long depending on the age difference (I met my Hubby when my stepdaughter was less than a year old) and the sex of the child. Also, my son and my stepdaughter get along so well that, if they'd both been girls or both been boys, they could have shared a room together and we would have had more money (less rent) to spend on other things the children needed.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#6 of 25 Old 06-18-2007, 03:16 AM
 
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When DP and I first moved in together, DS1 had an extra bed in his room for dss. Now, DS1 & 2 share a room and dss sleeps in the guest room (which is also our home office, but has a queen bed in it)

I think s-kids should always have a bed to sleep in, but a seperate room might not always make sense.

If we lived in the same town as dss and he visited more regularly, I'd definitely want him to have a "room" (even if he shared with one of the other kids) with his own stuff and clothes, etc. As it is for us, he grows so fast that we can't keep clothes here that fit him for more than a few visits. We do have a place in our closet where I keep extra snow stuff, stuffed animals, etc that are his for when he comes to visit. He usually ends up trading clothes with DS1 (they're 9 months apart) anyway and they do camp-outs in the back yard when it's nice out, so it doesn't seem like a big deal, usually.

I would never expect a s-kid to sleep on the couch or in a sleeping bag unless it absolutely couldn't be helped. That just seems wrong to me.
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#7 of 25 Old 06-18-2007, 11:38 AM
 
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I think this definitely depends on situation. But ideally skids should have their own space where they feel it is their own. I have 2 bio kids and 2 step or bonus kids and the older ones share a bedroom and so do the younger ones. This was a priority for me to welcome my dh's kids into my now our home. I gave up my office and we painted it purple with disney princesses, it is fairly small and they are definitely needing more space. We are currently (very slowly) finishing our basement for the older kids and then we will move into the bigger bedroom upstairs and then the twins will get our room.
We really dont' have the room for another baby but that isn't a reason to not have a baby. Harleyhalfmoon, I definitely wouldn't have this as a barrier. Our baby will share our room until we move or the older ones grow up and move out or something. We will co sleep for the first year or two then I plan to put up one of those screen things in a section of our room for a toddler bed and dresser. Although a court order for a seperate bdroom seems a little extereme.
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#8 of 25 Old 06-18-2007, 03:37 PM
 
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we're in a 2br apartment. dd still co-sleeps, so it's not a problem to give my 2dsd dd's room. They share dd's queen size bed. Though we often travel when they are here, so it's usually all of us in a hotel room.

mom to 14yr dd and 4yr dd
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#9 of 25 Old 06-18-2007, 03:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MommyMine View Post
Do you keep a bedroom for your skids? Do they have thier own room? If there is more than one do they each have their own room? Do your bio kids share a room to have room for the skid's room?
Hi,

I'm bio mom to three, with a fourth who will be their half-sib coming. I have complete custody of the kids, but their father has visitation. Here they have their own rooms, at his house they share one. He has more bedrooms but uses the extra rooms for other things.

Hope that helps.

Kiley
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#10 of 25 Old 06-18-2007, 06:09 PM
 
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When we were renting smaller places - DSD co-slept with us (not much space in 1 bedroom appt). Now for almost 5 years she has her own room here. Would have broken my heart if she wasn't allowed to come overnight in those early stages when we weren't financially capable of living in a bigger place. Now, obviously, it's not an issue, and her room is filled with her own stuff even if she is here only on weekends (books, videos, toys, games, etc.)

We even discussed it for the few years from now when she goes to college, and I hope to keep a room just for her all the way through until she firmly stands on her own feet. If it is possible at all - I think kids need their own space, makes them feel that they belong.

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#11 of 25 Old 06-18-2007, 06:09 PM
 
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I only have one child (my DSD). She is with us 100% of the time. We briefly were talking with her BM (bio mom) about her spending some time with her in her home. One of our "requirements" for it to work was that DSD had her own bed. She did not need to have her own room but she needed to have her own bed. Not a sleeping bag or a pull out couch...her own bed. It was important to us that she have her own space (even if it was just her bed) and we were not comfortable with her being in someone else's bed. Also, we did not want her to feel out of place. She is her kid, right? So in our opinion she should make permanent room in her home for her. Good luck!
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#12 of 25 Old 06-18-2007, 08:14 PM
 
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DSD has her own room at our house, although we barely see her now. We used to have her 30% of the time but now we only see her for a weekend every second month.

It feels like a waste of space most of the time (especially right now when we have my cousin and her two boys staying with us, and she has to sleep in what is essentially a large closet) but it is important to us that DSD feels like she has a home here.

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#13 of 25 Old 06-19-2007, 11:37 AM
 
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STBSD and DS share a room, but right now it is more like her own room because DS cosleeps with us. When he is a little older, they will both sleep in the same room.

Once we buy a house they will have their own rooms. She will probably always have her own room after this apartment because there will be at least years difference between her and any future female child. That seems like too much, IMHO. I don't think I would have wanted to share a room with a 7 yo when I was 14, so I am guessing that she won't, either.

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#14 of 25 Old 06-19-2007, 04:53 PM
 
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we have a girls room and a boys room....dh wanted to make sure his bio kids had their own room since they were use to it and have our 3 residential boys share a room - WTF....after days of fighting he realized how unappropiate that is......

because of age differeances - ideally we want 2 rooms for the boys - one room for the older (a step and a residential) and another room for the other 2 residential. a room for the 2 older girls and a room for the baby girl.....

or another variation can be 1 room for 3 older boys, 1 room for 2 younger to share (boy/girl) and by the time the baby is 5 - the 12 yo will be 18 and off to college so I dont think we will need a room for them and then the rooms can be redistributed...

for now.......none gets their own room - BUT we do have a room that is empy most of the time while my live in mom has a small study to call her bedroom with no closet - that is not fair - but dh would not see that his girls not have a bedroom - they are here every other weekend....grrrrrr
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#15 of 25 Old 06-20-2007, 02:55 AM
 
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It depends on a few things, like if you can afford it, how oftern the skids are there, how old etc.

Ideally, yes. Each kid, bio or skid, should have their own space (IMO).

If that's not possible, then all kids (bio and skid) are treated the same. If skids have to share a room, then so do the bio kids. Maybe one bio can share a room with a skid to create a bond.

JM2CW
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#16 of 25 Old 06-20-2007, 10:45 AM
 
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Ideally, yes. Each kid, bio or skid, should have their own space (IMO).
shoot - we would need a 9 bedroom house!
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#17 of 25 Old 06-20-2007, 10:59 AM
 
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i was reading someones post about the step having "stuff" even if she was just there on weekends...this has been an on going battle with my dh - he feels that the kids should take everythign home with them because they are there more and it is not fair that they could only play with their things every other weekend.....after long arguments, my ss was told to leave a x-mas gift here...but he took all the dragons and little men for it so the darn thing is here but nothing to play with it....and yet, he is always board, and has nothing to play with and he does not like the toys my bios have.....my bios are into trains and building stuff and he is into spiderman, and dragons.....when they do an art project here, ss wants to take it home with him, i have told him this is home also and we can use it to decorate his room, we can hang it by his bead...but he says he wants to take it home....so needless to say - his bedroom is truely "not his" and the girls room is also an empty space with 2 beds a closet and a dresser that are empty - even when they are here.....

i agree - we should purchase them things that are theirs to have here but I have no desire now that all goes back to mom's house......
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#18 of 25 Old 06-20-2007, 11:48 AM
 
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When STBSD started spending the weekends, we made it a point to get her toys/activities that stayed here. With Christmas, gifts from us stay here. With birthdays, gifts from our side of the family stay here. Clothes we purchase stay here. Now she has so many toys here that we are running out of room. But that problem is for another forum.

The only things that go back and forth are her stuffed animal posse that she sleeps with and sometimes shoes from BM's come here (the girl loves shoes). We are good about sending things back; if we miss something, it gets dropped off during the week. BM, not so good about sending things back, so things from here stay here.

We really want her to feel like she has two *homes*. It is hard to feel like you are home if all of your stuff is somewhere else.

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#19 of 25 Old 06-20-2007, 12:06 PM
 
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We have always seperated our homes completely. When the kids leave to their moms for the weekends they go, they dont take anything from here..and when they return home, she returns them in the clothes they left home in and their belongings there , stay there. Its like the have 2 completely seperate homes. She's never had their own rooms there but we do ask that they atleast have their own beds. We just moved 2 months ago but before that each of the kids had their own room, my step and my bio(even though i can't get mine out of my bed so hers is a waste)! Now we have downsized to an aparment for a year to save up for purchasing our own home next year..so they are currently sharing a bedroom but I bought bunkbeds so it seems to be working out well right now.
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#20 of 25 Old 06-20-2007, 02:02 PM
 
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In our home- the boys share one room and the girls share one room. Step children and bio children are all mixed in together. We are one family unit in our house- we do not distinguish between step- or bio kids. Every one is treated the same- it works for our family. :-)

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#21 of 25 Old 06-22-2007, 01:17 AM
 
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shoot - we would need a 9 bedroom house!

Well, obviously that wouldn't work for you unless you were rich like Mr. Burns.

:
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#22 of 25 Old 06-22-2007, 09:19 AM
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Well, obviously that wouldn't work for you unless you were rich like Mr. Burns.

:
Well, we're not Mr. Burns, but all of our kids have their own spaces, not their own rooms, but private places for themselves.

My oldest boy is 12, he has his own room alone.

My two younger boys share a room (7 and 5)

My daughter has her own room (not that she's ever in it!) almost 3.

My two stepdaughters share a room (12 year old twins).

My youngest stepson (not really my stepson because DH is not his dad, his dad is the new husband of DH's exwife, but we have him almost as much as the other kids) is 2, he "shares" my youngest daughter's room.

We'll have to reconfigure when the littles get bigger, at that point we'll probably turn one of the offices into a bedroom (not mine! ) -- it'll only be for a few years, since DS1 and SD1&2 will be off at college when the littles are 8 and 9.

Needing so much room limited our housing options, that's for sure!
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#23 of 25 Old 06-22-2007, 05:57 PM
 
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Needing so much room limited our housing options, that's for sure!
Sounds like you've done very well. Those who are old enough to need their own space get it, twins (who are close anyway) get to share and everyone is happy. Bravo.
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#24 of 25 Old 06-22-2007, 07:10 PM
 
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Well, I am bio-mom to all three of our kids. DH is the father of our 5-year-old son and baby-to-be. DD, 19 months, has a different father. (She was conceived when DH & I were divorced. We reunited when she was 3 weeks old.)

DD has her own room currently but will soon be sharing with her baby (half)brother. This is not because she's the "stepkid" (to my DH) but because they will be so close in age.

All three kids are treated completely equally in our house, by all parties.
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#25 of 25 Old 06-29-2007, 03:52 PM
 
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We really dont' have the room for another baby but that isn't a reason to not have a baby. Harleyhalfmoon, I definitely wouldn't have this as a barrier. Our baby will share our room until we move or the older ones grow up and move out or something. We will co sleep for the first year or two then I plan to put up one of those screen things in a section of our room for a toddler bed and dresser. Although a court order for a seperate bdroom seems a little extereme.

I totally agree with this.
We only have a 2 bedroom home.
My husband, A, S and I cosleep in our room.
Lack of bedrooms didn't stop us from having 2nd daughter (neither did birth control ).
Our bedroom is tiny, so we only have our bed, the crib (pressed up against side of bed and wall), a changing table, and dresser in there with little to no walking space.
Stepson J's bedroom has his bed, our 2nd computer, his toys, his dresser, dresser for A and S, dog's kennel, cat's beds, A and S's extra toys.
It is a multi-purpose room since it's twice as big as our bedroom.
It has two doors and J has all the privacy he wants because A and S don't play in there.
It is J's sanctuary.
A and S play in living room where I can constantly supervise them.
I only keep some of their toys in here, and keep the extras in J's room (toy rotation and clutter reduction).

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