Here is a snipped version of our situation. I met my dh when I was 18 he was 25 years old. He had a 4 year old son from a previous girlfriend. But dh got custody, and she got visitation. She never kept her visitations from day one, only when the time was convienant, she had 2 other children at the time of this.
After awhile me and dh's relationship went further, and we moved in together in his home, with ds. Ds could do whatever he wanted when he wanted. He got toys whenever he wanted something, and there were no holdbacks with my dh. My dh felt sorry for him, since his birth mother abandoned ds, and gave custody to dh for $2,000 for a trailer. But John knew that she would take that offer, and wanted the best for ds, for a more stable home for him.
So there I was just finishing beauty school, come home and take on all the motherly things any mother would do play with him, cook, tend to him when sick, doctor's appointments, school things etc. So then later on it seemed to me like I was doing everything. So basically I got a job, would come home, and be responsiable for everything else, while dh had no other responsibilities with ds or the home, after he came home from work. We got married in 2001, even though there were some things arising that didn't really ever seem to get better.
Well after months of ds birth mother abandoning him for a few months moving away with her own children, coming back getting visitation again and doing this a few more times. She then 2 months ago moves really far away, and again ds doesn't even get a bye from her. But see now she has 5 kids + ds. So her other children are more important, along with colllecting welfare, and has not paid a dime for support, or a piece of clothing for ds from day one. This to me is a very sad story.
The problem here is this. I basically have brought ds up as my own child since he was 4 yrs. old he is now 11 yrs. old. his father is their to financially support him, and our other children, and me, as I am a SAHM. BUt Dh says he brings home the butter, and I have my responsibilities cook, clean, childcare. Well the little he is home he sits in front of the tv for hours and expects me to do everything with the children. He does not help get ready for bed or anything.
Well dilema now is ds and I do not get along at all. Dh tells me to shut up in front of him, and the children, and says, "I know Austin, ignore her, I know how she is, I can't take it either" All she does is yell she can't help it she's that way, (rubbing his back), she can't help it she's that way. If I say no Austin you can't do something he says "I'm gonna tell Dad, he'll let me do it" What does dh do, tells him Yes. So everytime I say no, he says yes, and sides with ds. So everyday all I hear is dh saying, "Renee shut up, your such a ..... leave ds alone, and stop harping on him (In front of ds) I said John if you have something to say, say it to me alone not in front of ds, as he takes that what he heard and uses it against us. Ds says I always have to be in control (Again, in front of ds) I am so frustrated right now, we are not a team, but all working against each other, and all the blame is on me. Ds throwns temper tantrums, runs, slams things, and the toddlers are seeing this. Dh does nothing but lets him sit next to him and watches Cops, or some other violent movie/show. Austin cry to John and says " I can't take her no more, Dad why did you marry her? (last night he said this)Dh says, "I don't don't know why"
This chaos has ruined our marriage, and I do not know what to do. He won't go to a marriage counsler/family counsler.
On top of this I am 28 weeks pregnant, and went into preterm labor last week from very high stress, which I am thinking is from this constant chaos. I am suppose to be on bed rest, that won't happen as dishes don't get done, kids don't get feed, clothes don't get cleaned, and house gets totally trashed. I am not soley defending myself, as I do scream, yell, get totally out of control, but how much emotional turmoil can someone take, how much can you take when your 11 year old and husband gangs up on you and tells you to shut up, and undermines anything you say. I am just lost for words for now. I am like a maid in my own home. I pick up all of dh's clothes all through the house he leaves on the floor, his dirty dishes. He has not helped me. I said last night maybe it is best that him and ds go live in one of our rental houses, as I can not handle this anymore. It is not fair to any of us. I am an authortarian parent always have to have some control over things, as that's what dh says. I have strict rules, do your homework, study, clean up etc. while dh is very permissive on the extreme side ( He will just let things go so he doesn't have to deal with the issues) Another thing is sorry! warrents an ok in dh eyes. As long as you say sorry no other consequences need to be taken.
Please help me! I don't want to live a life like this. I don't want to bring a newborn, once again into a home that is chaotic. I will do whatever I need to do to make this situation better. I just need some support.