My situation...Please Help! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 11-30-2005, 11:53 AM - Thread Starter
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Here is a snipped version of our situation. I met my dh when I was 18 he was 25 years old. He had a 4 year old son from a previous girlfriend. But dh got custody, and she got visitation. She never kept her visitations from day one, only when the time was convienant, she had 2 other children at the time of this.
After awhile me and dh's relationship went further, and we moved in together in his home, with ds. Ds could do whatever he wanted when he wanted. He got toys whenever he wanted something, and there were no holdbacks with my dh. My dh felt sorry for him, since his birth mother abandoned ds, and gave custody to dh for $2,000 for a trailer. But John knew that she would take that offer, and wanted the best for ds, for a more stable home for him.

So there I was just finishing beauty school, come home and take on all the motherly things any mother would do play with him, cook, tend to him when sick, doctor's appointments, school things etc. So then later on it seemed to me like I was doing everything. So basically I got a job, would come home, and be responsiable for everything else, while dh had no other responsibilities with ds or the home, after he came home from work. We got married in 2001, even though there were some things arising that didn't really ever seem to get better.

Well after months of ds birth mother abandoning him for a few months moving away with her own children, coming back getting visitation again and doing this a few more times. She then 2 months ago moves really far away, and again ds doesn't even get a bye from her. But see now she has 5 kids + ds. So her other children are more important, along with colllecting welfare, and has not paid a dime for support, or a piece of clothing for ds from day one. This to me is a very sad story.

The problem here is this. I basically have brought ds up as my own child since he was 4 yrs. old he is now 11 yrs. old. his father is their to financially support him, and our other children, and me, as I am a SAHM. BUt Dh says he brings home the butter, and I have my responsibilities cook, clean, childcare. Well the little he is home he sits in front of the tv for hours and expects me to do everything with the children. He does not help get ready for bed or anything.

Well dilema now is ds and I do not get along at all. Dh tells me to shut up in front of him, and the children, and says, "I know Austin, ignore her, I know how she is, I can't take it either" All she does is yell she can't help it she's that way, (rubbing his back), she can't help it she's that way. If I say no Austin you can't do something he says "I'm gonna tell Dad, he'll let me do it" What does dh do, tells him Yes. So everytime I say no, he says yes, and sides with ds. So everyday all I hear is dh saying, "Renee shut up, your such a ..... leave ds alone, and stop harping on him (In front of ds) I said John if you have something to say, say it to me alone not in front of ds, as he takes that what he heard and uses it against us. Ds says I always have to be in control (Again, in front of ds) I am so frustrated right now, we are not a team, but all working against each other, and all the blame is on me. Ds throwns temper tantrums, runs, slams things, and the toddlers are seeing this. Dh does nothing but lets him sit next to him and watches Cops, or some other violent movie/show. Austin cry to John and says " I can't take her no more, Dad why did you marry her? (last night he said this)Dh says, "I don't don't know why"

This chaos has ruined our marriage, and I do not know what to do. He won't go to a marriage counsler/family counsler.

On top of this I am 28 weeks pregnant, and went into preterm labor last week from very high stress, which I am thinking is from this constant chaos. I am suppose to be on bed rest, that won't happen as dishes don't get done, kids don't get feed, clothes don't get cleaned, and house gets totally trashed. I am not soley defending myself, as I do scream, yell, get totally out of control, but how much emotional turmoil can someone take, how much can you take when your 11 year old and husband gangs up on you and tells you to shut up, and undermines anything you say. I am just lost for words for now. I am like a maid in my own home. I pick up all of dh's clothes all through the house he leaves on the floor, his dirty dishes. He has not helped me. I said last night maybe it is best that him and ds go live in one of our rental houses, as I can not handle this anymore. It is not fair to any of us. I am an authortarian parent always have to have some control over things, as that's what dh says. I have strict rules, do your homework, study, clean up etc. while dh is very permissive on the extreme side ( He will just let things go so he doesn't have to deal with the issues) Another thing is sorry! warrents an ok in dh eyes. As long as you say sorry no other consequences need to be taken.

Please help me! I don't want to live a life like this. I don't want to bring a newborn, once again into a home that is chaotic. I will do whatever I need to do to make this situation better. I just need some support.
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#2 of 4 Old 11-30-2005, 02:10 PM
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I have a defiant 12 year old stepson, but I do have a supportive husband.

If your husband won't go to counseling with you, why don't you go on your own? Have someone face to face to listen to you. If you don't want to see a psychologist, try a minister. They are free and very good listeners. Maybe then you can make a safe decision on your future.

Just remember, your husband fought for custody of his first son. If you chose to leave him, he will probably fight you for custody as well. A tough decision for couples is always; 1. Stay in this marriage to see be with my child every day, or 2. Divorce him and accept the possible 50% custody I might be awarded.

I am a SAHM also. It sucks. The only people you have conversations with are children. Your brain turns to mush and sometimes you lose those social skills.

A friend of my had a stepchild and husband similiar to yours, she tried to cut them off as much as possible to let them see exactly what she does do for them. She did the bare minimum. Her husband eventually came around and saw that she isn't a control freak, things just run more smoothly when there is order.

Of course just when she relaxed and thought things would get better, the husband and stepson went right back to the way they were treating her.
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#3 of 4 Old 11-30-2005, 10:25 PM
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"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."
These are my two favorite quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt.

You cannot control how others act towards you. You can only change how you respond to them. You have this power and only you do. Now I know it is harder while you are pregnant, especially with a difficult pregnancy.

I royally screwed up my first marriage. There are several things I have learned. People act better when you make them feel appreciated. Then there are the jerks in the world no matter what you do you cannot make them feel appreciated, those you let loose from your life.

Ask yourself does you dh feel appreciated. If not why not. Being a jerk can be an answer. But do a mental check do you thank him for what he does like mowing the law? Keeping the oil changed? Working 60 hours a week at a job he hates to keep food on the table and roof over our head (remembering this one helps/ed me feel better in my current marriage. When I would feel like I am doing it all. It helped me realize I am not doing it all. That we are doing our parts).

He is calling you a ******** and an authoritarian this is mean and abusive but do a self check are you? I can tell you I was in my first marriage. The sins I was guilty of is being a nag, not accepting thing not done my way are ok. I could go down a list of self center stuff I did that caused the problems to worsen. My ex was and is a jerk, nothing I did or could change that but I could look and change my own faults. I had to change men to get marital happiness because you cannot change other people only yourself. Make sure you are not doing the same thing with name calling. I can remember calling my ex a b*****d. He would call me names in return. DUH!! Juvenal action got a juvenal action in return. I couldn't change him by I could change myself. That is what I had control over. I had to take a good long look at myself, it wasn't easy to do. I had to first admit my faults because I could deal with my ex's flaws (being a jerk).

After my divorce I realized something. I expected people to read my mind. When I did ask or demand something it was after I sent out psychic guess, what I am trying to say with my body language vibes. My ex would do stuff like leave the dishes around. I would give him a dirty look. Then a huff. Then stew about it. Then get mad start screaming and picking up the dishes. I had to learn a better way of doing things to motivate people around me. It was during this time I read the book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber it was an epiphany for me. I found running dish water and asking people to collect dishes to wash was more effective than my old way.

As for your dss. When he ask you anything defer it to his father. Can I go out an play, "Go ask your father." Any question he ask is returned "Go ask your father." But dad won't be home for an hour. IT ISN'T YOUR PROBLEM. Don't let school work issues become your issues. He brings his report card home to his father. Let him bring school notes home to dad. No comment from you. I don't doubt your step son will fall for a little while in school but he is getting to the age he needs to deal with the conscaquences (SP) of his not doing homework issues.
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#4 of 4 Old 12-01-2005, 06:49 AM
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If I'm reading your post right, your situation is bad: but not bad enough to be worth you risking your new baby's life by doing anything now. Hang in there. Maybe, start putting a few resources by- a bit of cash, making sure that all the childrens paperwork (ss nos, birth certificates) get moved in a tidy-up so they're easy for you but not him to find, things like that. Start thinking about an escape plan, but you have all the time in the world.
In the meantime, I'd second what marsupialmom says about marriages: my current marriage wouldn't be working as well as it does, if it weren't for the fact that I screwed up so badly last time around and had such unrealistic expectations, and turned into a nagging shrew. Be true to yourself and how you want to act- feeling good about yourself is important, you know? Just let the small stuff go, and focus on honouring yourself and the little ones and the life inside you. Homework is, in the grand scheme of things, not that important.
How to talk... seriously rocks, btw.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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