How Do You Know What's Right? To Stay Or Go? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 35 Old 12-15-2005, 09:57 PM
 
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I personally urge you to re read everything you have just written. From what you have said I cant see the healthy parts of the relationship, nor can I see any of it getting better if you have another child, whether he consents to it or not. From what you have written you are essentially a single mum as it is... I cant tell you to stay/go or have another child or not, just that you need to start looking out for you and your son who is already here. Seek councilling for both of you, or better still seek councilling for yourself.
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#32 of 35 Old 12-15-2005, 10:51 PM
 
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Monkeybum,

I remember when I was pregnant with my second child, my midwife and I were chatting during our wonderful hour long appointments, and she asked me if I was afraid of transitioning to two children and that taking away from the first, since another client of hers was struggling with this. I told her, and stick to this day, to the idea that: The greatest gift I can give my child, and the thing that only I can give her, is a sibling.

I grew up with one sister, and we had some rough spots but honestly I don't know how I would have made it through without her. I know others are perfectly happy with their only child, and that many only children are perfectly happy, and that some sibling children are unhappy, but for me it was clear from the beginning that children in a lot of ways need each other. I actually had hoped to have more than just the two girls...and my dh (at the time agreed)...

But a few weeks later he had an affair and within months our "family" was a "broken home" because he was too selfish. I read this thread when it first came out, and didn't post...but once I read your description of your husband, I got so many chills, because really, if someone is selfish enough to compete with their children, they are incapable of putting the children first. I remember that my ex had a slinky in his office/our basement, and he wouldn't allow any of dd's toys down there, but she saw this one and was interested in the many times I took her down to do laundry (like you, I did most of the work, and had to make ends meet financially as well). He got so mad that I let her play with "HIS" toy...it was not something he was willing to share. And I was just floored by that attitude...because there was nothing of mine that was worth more than my child's happiness, not one thing.

That selfishness manifested in his affair and determination (yes, determination, he refused counseling, refused to end it, etc.) to end our marriage and I think it was just when I was becoming more independent/making things work around his stubborn selfishness that it fully manifested. (after years of working part time to make up enough for us to not be on the streets, I started doing in home childcare and training for doula-ing and childbirth teaching, and was finally making enough to keep us afloat+)

As you saw this same sort of scenario happen with your parents, I'd ask you this...what if you DON'T have another child, and stay with him, and he one day just leaves you and your son? How would you deal with the regrets then? How would you feel about all the sacrifices you'd made? And heck, he'd probably be able to get alimony from you as well, since you make so much more, plus half time with your child, and suddenly you, who'd never done anything to NOT put your child first, are spending holidays alone. Because though none of us want to imagine these as possibilities, it is right outside the door....

I know I'm bringing a lot into this, but since it happened to your parents I'm sure it's not foreign to you. And since you've noticed that your dh's selfishness has taken form since your child was born, then it's even more likely that the me-first attitude will take hold before not just another child, but both you and your child.

If I were in your shoes, I'd try counseling, to truly get all these issues on the table. Perhaps it would help give you perspective on what's making your dh tick, how he feels threatened by your commitment to mothering, etc. And perhaps he'd learn a little more about how unacceptable it is to compete with a needful and helpless child. And maybe having some perspective would help you work through the choice to expand your family together, rather than as a power struggle.

But there is no way that one spouse should sacrifice everything in a marriage when the other spouse is determined to take and demand and drain life away. That isn't a marriage, really and truly it isn't, it's a hierarchy where the giving spouse is on the bottom. I found it helpful to read Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree" and see what he projects as the future for those who give all in hopes of an occasional affection...it really offered me a lot of perspective.

sorry you're faced with such a difficult situation, but you'll probably make it through this as a stronger person and mother no matter what you choose, so long as you exercise the reflection that you're showing here.
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#33 of 35 Old 12-17-2005, 03:35 AM
 
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I don't mean to sound rude, buy why do you want to have another kid with this guy? As for all his lame excuses about why he doesn't want another one-- I think it means he just doesn't want another one. He is making up excuses because you want an explanation.

I really understand the part about being goal oriented. This has been a hard thing for me about marriage. Maybe the hardest. Only being one half in charge!! Never in my life have I had to consult with others. I am a teacher. I am in charge of my classroom. I wanted to go to college, I got the scholarships and I went. I wanted to live in Mexico, I saved up, found a way to do it and did it. Now, I am married and I have to consult a partner and some days it drives me up the wall. I am learning, but it does at times seem easier if I could just do it all myself (dh is wonderful, but sometimes,. . )

I hope your marriage can be worked on.

Your descriptions of those happy times with family seem like they can take place with cousins, neighborhoods, and friends of family, too.

I have a different impression of single children families. In high school, a friend of mine was an only child, and I was so jealous. She seemed so mature. There was no "kids tables" "kids bedrooms" "kids sit in the backseat" while we adults are over here-- she was part of a threesome. They traveled so much and she was always going on these adventures with her family. They listened to her like she was one of them, not like she was "one of the kids." I do a bit miss the times before ds was born when it was just dh and dss and me and we could go anywhere and do anythign on the spur of the moment. I don't know why have 2 kids seems to make everything seem so expensive and hard to organize, but I do feel more tied to the ground. If you are going to have just one child, embrace it. Celebrate the things your threesome can do.
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#34 of 35 Old 12-21-2005, 06:51 PM
 
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I want to hear MBMSM's idea too - but will put in my $0.02 in the meantime.

First, I'm assuming, hopefully correctly, that there are good things about DH. You listed a lot of bad things, and this being a safe place to vent, that makes sense. But I'm basing my reply on the assumption that there *are* some things that are good about him/your relationship/your marriage.

It does not sound like this is a great situation to bring another child into. (1) DH has made is clear he doesn't want one and (2) your marriage seems to have some issues that would be better worked out before having another kidlet.

I can very much understand your feeling that he needs to give in on *something* before you'll commit to working on the other issues in your marriage - but I don't think the having another child issue is the one to test him on.

Maybe it's better, in repairing your relationship, to start with the smaller things?

As for the sibling vs. married parents issue - I don't think either is "more" important than the other. If the parents are miserable together, the child will have an unhappy childhood by default, sibling or no. If parents divorce because of their relationship just not working, life will likely be better for all involved. If parents divorce so that they can go have other kids, it leaves the eldest, first child with lots of resentment towards their parents, their siblings, etc.

So, to me, this post isn't at all about siblings vs. married parents. It's about working on the issues in your marriage so that you can move forward to either having a second child together on a healthy foundation or parting ways knowing you've put in 100% in trying to make it work.

The sibling issue isn't the real issue at all.
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#35 of 35 Old 12-28-2005, 12:03 AM
 
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I say your son is far better off an only child than having to go thru your divorce...I was from a broken home and also have a blended family of my own now. Trust me, stay...work on the smaller issues. Renew your love for each other.....then if another baby will come, it will happen. Its not always up to us, you know..it's up to them to!

Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
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