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#1 of 5 Old 12-28-2005, 08:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi,

I am new to these forums and full of questions...I'm 24 my ex is 27 and we have a 5 year old son. We both have so's and I know for sure my so and I will be getting married, most likely my ex and his so will be too.

I will admit I am having a hard time dealing with the idea of another woman being in my sons life like that..I will never talk bad about her, ever, but I am wondering how to deal with the insecurities etc..I am worried she will try to take my place although she said she never would. I wonder how she disciplines her kids, how their family is together etc..I want her to love him as her own but at the same time I have all these mixed emotions.

Also my son will meet my so when my son will be staying with us for several months...he lives overseas so there really isn't any other way to do it (yes we have met face-to-face and spent time together, but both times it wasnt possible for my son to go). I'm wondering how to make it easier on them both? My son was saying he REALLY wants to meet him, and I know my dbf wants to meet him as well, and his entire family is quite excited about seeing him. But I'm not going to kid myself and say this is all fairy tale land and that things will be perfect.

I want to open the lines of communication with my ex's so, I will not be the bm that berates the sm, and I dont dislike her..Im just not sure how to come to terms with the idea of him having a sm. I know sometime I will be ready to talk to her..but now its too soon.
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#2 of 5 Old 12-29-2005, 12:23 AM
 
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OK, deep breath. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say, but I'll try not to go on too long. I've been a stepmom for 5 1/2 years, and my older kids have had two SM's since my divorce 9 years ago so I'll do my best to share my experience.

About your insecurities: put them to bed. They're unnecessary and destructive. Your boy knows who his mommy is and he would no sooner confuse his SM for you than he would an aunt, grandma, teacher, or neighbor. I was never insecure about my children's SMs and have had awesome relationships with both of them. My SS's bio-mom, on the other hand, has been extremely insecure and it was terrible for the first couple of years. I won't go into detail because neither she nor I sounds too good in those stories, but suffice to say that she didn't need to be insecure. My SS and I love each other very much, but I'm not (and wouldn't be even if I tried) his mom.

As communication goes, we have found (after lots and lots of trial and error) that it's best for most of the communication to happen between the bio-parents. I'm very friendly with my kids' SM; we chat sometimes and are very comfortable with each other, but when I need to discuss the kids' activities or schedules whatever, I talk to their dad. I learned that by getting in the middle of DH's and SS's bio-mom's relationship and I know now that I didn't belong there. Step-parent/step-child relationships can be very loving and important, but they're not the same as parent/child relationships. I wish I'd known that at the beginning; maybe I could have avoided some of my mistakes.

OK, enough. I hope that things go smoothly for your family!

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#3 of 5 Old 12-29-2005, 10:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by uptownzoo
OK, deep breath. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say, but I'll try not to go on too long. I've been a stepmom for 5 1/2 years, and my older kids have had two SM's since my divorce 9 years ago so I'll do my best to share my experience.

About your insecurities: put them to bed. They're unnecessary and destructive. Your boy knows who his mommy is and he would no sooner confuse his SM for you than he would an aunt, grandma, teacher, or neighbor. I was never insecure about my children's SMs and have had awesome relationships with both of them. My SS's bio-mom, on the other hand, has been extremely insecure and it was terrible for the first couple of years. I won't go into detail because neither she nor I sounds too good in those stories, but suffice to say that she didn't need to be insecure. My SS and I love each other very much, but I'm not (and wouldn't be even if I tried) his mom.

As communication goes, we have found (after lots and lots of trial and error) that it's best for most of the communication to happen between the bio-parents. I'm very friendly with my kids' SM; we chat sometimes and are very comfortable with each other, but when I need to discuss the kids' activities or schedules whatever, I talk to their dad. I learned that by getting in the middle of DH's and SS's bio-mom's relationship and I know now that I didn't belong there. Step-parent/step-child relationships can be very loving and important, but they're not the same as parent/child relationships. I wish I'd known that at the beginning; maybe I could have avoided some of my mistakes.

OK, enough. I hope that things go smoothly for your family!
There's nothing more I can add to that... I agree 100 percent... especially about the part about not getting in the middle of SM and BD. It just shouldn't be done... my stepkids and I have a wonderful relationship and I get along with their mother but it makes me VERY uncomfortable when she tries to make plans or get me to commit to something that should be handled with my DH. I just don't think that's my place. I love my step-kids with all my heart and they love me as well but they know who their mother is, they love her... just think of it like my step-kids do, it's just another person to love them. However, do know that she probably won't parent in the same manner as you, she won't ever love them as much as you do and she will have differant rules in her home... and that's okay. Children of divorce are very adaptable and learn that the households are differant and they adjust. If she is a good person who will love your son, feel confident that he's safe and don't hold your insecurities against her. I know it's rough to put your child in someone's else's care... but I promise, things will go much better if you respect her as another parental figure and allow your child to figure out his relationship with her.

Jeri, Natural lovin' Mama to Elijah (9.29.03), Eden (10.2.06), and a little one lost along the way (1/12)., Step-monster to Shelby (18) and Stephen (16). Celebrating 12 years together with my soul-mate, Eric. Hoping for a rainbow1284.gif someday! 
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#4 of 5 Old 12-29-2005, 10:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I would definitely not be making plans with sm regarding my son..I'm just wanting to be able to actually talk to this woman, just to ask how my son is doing etc, I already plan to make sure anything that needs to be discussed by my ex and I will be, I also realize that works both ways with my so as well.

I've already had a few problems with my ex getting rather mad if I try to keep my so up-to-date on whats going on, and then I find out he's doing the same and soo much more with his so...I think they both need to know whats going on,esp since it affects them both, my so almost immediately, since we'll hopefully be going over in Jan.

I know things will be different with sm than they are with me, and I know it also goes both ways, my so and I will have rules that may differ from my ex and his so.

It might help to tell you all I grew up in a not-so-great stepfamily situation. My bd died when I was 6..shortly after my mom met someone new and insisted almost from the beginning that we all call him dad. My mom now chooses to rewrite history but thats her perogative I guess, to tell me I am insane..
Anyway he was an alcoholic, and yelled at us constantly..I know he preferred his own children to us, it wasnt that hard to figure out (we were always screwing up (so said by sd), his kids never did..now its come back to bite him on the butt) and he and I esp had a bad relationship..my mom always sided with him on everything, whether he was wrong or not. He used to make very innapropriate comments etc.
To this day we still have a very uneasy relationship, it doesnt take much for either of us to get going, and unfortunately because of the divorce I have to stay here for now (ex refuses to leave the house).

So to say the least my step-situation was NOT handled well...oh and did I mention the ex-wife? theres always been problems with her, and my mom is the type that does berate her nonstop, the ex-wife does the same with my mom. Lovely.

I obviously will do anything in my power to make sure this stepfamily works much more harmoniously and w/o the dysfunction. I just worry that there will be times my ex will be wanting to do what my mom did, side with his new wife on things when he shouldnt (nor should he always let our son do whatever he wants, he needs to get the facts and go from there). I know no one will ever replace me as mom, but we also are having issues with my niece on this...

She tries to get my son to tell her he loves her more than he does me...I feel this is only going to confuse him and also it will set a precedent with anyone else I dont need. He finally did say he loved her more last nite because she wore him down.
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#5 of 5 Old 12-29-2005, 01:21 PM
 
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She tries to get my son to tell her he loves her more than he does me...I feel this is only going to confuse him and also it will set a precedent with anyone else I dont need. He finally did say he loved her more last nite because she wore him down.
'

That is absolutely unacceptable... and personally, I would let her know just how unacceptable it is. She has no right to do that, period. That just makes me so sad... and sick.

Jeri, Natural lovin' Mama to Elijah (9.29.03), Eden (10.2.06), and a little one lost along the way (1/12)., Step-monster to Shelby (18) and Stephen (16). Celebrating 12 years together with my soul-mate, Eric. Hoping for a rainbow1284.gif someday! 
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