Seperated Siblings - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 8 Old 01-03-2006, 03:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I seperated from my ex and father of my two children in the summer of 2004. My DS (three at the time) stayed living with his father and my DD (who was 1) came with me. Since then I have married my DH and we are expecting our first/my last child.

We (DH and I) have thought a lot about going for custody. As of right now there is no legal documents stating custody arrangements no child support is being paid in either direction etc. The thing is, from previous experience I know that siblings will not be seperated by the court and my ex won't agree to just working it out legally between us. So if we go for custody it is really all or none, although i do not believe that i would ever lose my daughter to her biodad it is a potential risk. I would be devastated if I didn't have sole custody of her, not that I don't regret not fighting harder to take DS away from my ex. The other issue with not having custody worked out is in the event that i am no longer able to take care of DD i want my DH to have her, He has been her father since she was 14 months old and her bio dad only recently (like the beginning of this summer '05) took any interest in seeing her at all, if custody isn't worked out before i'm afraid she would go to live with her dad despite anything my DH may do to try and keep her.

Also if i were to fight for custody I would want to keep DD away from her biodad almost completely, he does anything he can to undermine her relationship with my DH and he has been a pretty horrible influence on my son up until he met his current girlfriend who i think keeps him in line a lot better and is a lot better for my son, but I would never want to keep my son away from his dad so i'm not sure how that would work legally either (if we were to get custody of both)

anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else has dealt with full siblings being seperated or if I could get any opinions or advice on the custody issue (we are in ontario canada btw) thanks in advance.
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#2 of 8 Old 01-03-2006, 01:16 PM
 
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I dont know the reason why you initially split the kids - but I think you have to now consider what you DS wants.....all he really knows is his dad's care - weather bad or good influence by your standards.....and I think removinghim for custody now can be traumatic for him......

can you see a mediator about this....or a child divorce councler? get some imput from her.

since bio dad has not paid CS...how would he feel about terminating legal rights and have your DH adopt her.

I have heard in cases where the child is cared by a step parent - and mom requests custody left to that person - especially since you guys will have a child, simbling living with her...the courts will not "make" her go to biodad.

seek the advice of an adoption atty
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#3 of 8 Old 01-03-2006, 01:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DS is always happy to come visit with DH and me and always cries/fusses about not wanting to go home when his dad comes to get him but he is only 4 (almost 5) so i'm not really sure how much stock I can really put into his tempers/attitudes at this point. I've never been far out of my DS's life, The only reason I only see him on weekends now is because he is in school.

He was 3 when ex and I split and at the time he really wanted to be with his dad and it was really selfish of me to leave with DS. my ex was emotionally abusive and I had been trying for a couple of years to leave him (had even gone to a womens shelter when DD was a couple months old, which is when we went through custody before but of course when i got back together with their dad that custody agreement was nulled) I believe he fought so hard for DS to try and lure me back.

As i mentioned before Ex never took an interest in DD until last summer, when i was pregnant and when i was with him when she was small he denied being her father and up until summer he never took seeing her seriously, he would always be late or not show up at all, or not be around when we wanted to see DS.

Ex would not give up custody of DD, as i said he does everything he can to undermine her relationship with DH (which makes me not want him to see her even though i know she should see him)
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#4 of 8 Old 01-03-2006, 03:49 PM
 
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hugs - it is a touchy situation! at 4-5, I think your son can make a semi concious desiocion between how he feels being at each house - depending on his maturity level (my son is no where near that stage); SO's son loves visiting with dad but desperately want to be with mom towrds the end of the weekend....going back to his normalicy of day to day life......

anyway.......

I would consut with an atty ASAP as far as all your questions......

and again - mostly - hugs to you!
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#5 of 8 Old 01-04-2006, 01:43 AM
 
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NO, unless that custody agreement was because of a FAPPA. or restrainging order. It still stands.

Good luck,
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#6 of 8 Old 01-04-2006, 09:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
NO, unless that custody agreement was because of a FAPPA. or restrainging order. It still stands.

Good luck,
The custody hearings were never fully completed and the agreement we had made was temporary (6 weeks or something like that, until we went before a judge to get a decision) When I got back together with ex the custody issue was never pursued further and the agreement ran over it's time limit. I do still have all the paperwork from the lawyer that worked for me somewhere though.
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#7 of 8 Old 01-04-2006, 01:49 PM
 
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You should talk to an attorney, you have proof that at one time the original custody agreement was XXX, plus the man has power/control issues. Wait, maybe get in touch with your local women's group.

Good luck. I nearly lost my kids to an abusive man who had a ton of money.
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#8 of 8 Old 01-08-2006, 08:35 PM
 
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In California, if the parents cannot agree on a custody arrangment, they live close enough, and they are both pretty good, custody is usually split down the middle 50/50.

Also, once the children have been living in an invironment for an extended period of time and started school in that invironment, the court is very weary of changing it unless there is extinuating circumstances that warrant it.

My husband's ex beats on her husband in front of the kids. She has alcohol parties in front of the kids. She aslo does everything she can to emotionally alienate the children from my husband and especially myself. With all that said, she continues to keep the 50/50 custody.

It's going to be very difficult for you to explain why you left an abusive husband, took one child, but left the other behind voluntarily and now want that child back.

You will definitely need to get legal advice from someone with experience in this. Don't just take the first one or get one based on his rates.

The judge may say he agrees to keep the children together, but not necessarily in just one home. He may split it down the middle. Or keep them in the home that will do less in disrupting their lives. Since the boy is in school, he will probably lean towards keeping them in that area. You may have to relocate.

If I were you, I would do my homework and get as much evidence as I can. You have a right to speak to the teacher & school staff. Show some concern and give them your number if you haven't already done so.

Also, just because the court gives you what you want doesn't mean it will stay that way forever. My husband received 50/50 custody in 2002. His ex has taken him to court every year since then to try to take them from him. It's expensive and stressful. She never gets her way, but it doesn't stop her from trying every year.

Good luck!
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