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#31 of 53 Old 01-04-2006, 03:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Katt2005
I made a post about this, some time ago. It really irked me then. But now, I still don't *like* it, but I just deal with it and let it go. Actually now, thinking about it, I think the ex will have a fit, if I have HER last name..LOL! Here is the link to mine..
my thread
my point exactly - the ex is in a relationship now and SO thinks that within a year - she will be married.....and take his name....you have a point.......
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#32 of 53 Old 01-04-2006, 03:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by BusyMommy
Personally, I wouldn't want to keep my married name if I were no longer married. But...I would want the same last name as my children. So, that's a tough one. I agree w/you but I understand why she's doing it. Besides, aren't you going to keep your first name or hyphenate?


btw...guess who
yea - we have enough last names - LOL

I would take his or our son's wich is a hyphanated him-mine......but after the "discussion" we had the other night - I am thinking of just keeping mine! what the heck! big deal - lets all have different last names..."a last name does not make a family - love between the people makes a family" so Once my mother's divorce goes through....we can officially add her maiden name to our mailbox - LOL
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#33 of 53 Old 01-04-2006, 04:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by nata0742
I just asked him about that last night and he did not know but would ask her what her intentions are - I think it would just stir things up again...she has been nothing but a pain through this when she saw him moving on with his life...but now she is dating and has been "easy" to deal with except now she had declaired war on me telling him she will not permit the kids to be close to me...that she will not allow them to visit during summer vacation becasue he would be working and they would be in my care.....

...
I wouldn't worry too much. Lots of mean things are said but things like this aren't just up to her. Your SO has rights, too. The ex in our world says things like this too, then her lawyer calms her down and we move on . I was still thinking about this issue when I went to be last night. I think some of it is cultural. My family is mexican and in Mexico, women don't change their names, they just add their husbands name to their name. The children have both and use them both quite frequnetly. I see my dh's name as on I have added to my name. I still have credit cards with my maiden name on them, I use both names. So, it amazes me that the ex still wants dh's name, but we are coming from different perspectives.

The students I teach, most have at least on parent with a different last name (most are Mexican, and the women are using their names or unmarried parents, or divorced). It is really not strange at all for kids to have a different last name, I don't understand the issue.
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#34 of 53 Old 01-04-2006, 05:11 PM
 
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Our dp's ex's sure can be annoying, can't they?

Here's what my dh's ex did.
When she got remarried, a couple years after their divorce, the twins were probably about6 or 7 years old, she just started using her new h's last name for the twins too. Like when she registared them for school (yup, all their school records all the way through high school, have the wrong last name)

She didn't do it legally at all. Never asked dh if she could. Her new h didn't try to adopt them. She just put the wrong last name on everything regarding her and my dh's kids, for years.

The twins are 25 now and are still having problems getting legal records and stuff like that because the official records show a different last name then what is their legal name.

DH DS 1996 DS 2000 We are the Mods! We are the Mods! We are, we are, we are the Mods!
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#35 of 53 Old 01-04-2006, 05:54 PM
 
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It bothered me to learn that dh's ex who initiated the divorce (all 'news' to my dh at the time) and who was in a relationship with the man she cheated on him with... decided she'd keep her married name. :

I didn't want dh's last name anyway and opted to keep my last name but I did hyphenate at least on my marriage license. I did give our son dh's last name, without any hyphen.

For whatever reasons I have stuck in my little head, I just don't care much for the idea of taking a guy's name... I especially don't care for how some men have a whole gaggle of women out there with their last name... Like my aunt's previous now deceased husband. He had 5 exwives!

Since I'm not qualified to give an opinion from the ex's standpoint, I will just take considerations from the PPs points of view.

The ex is engaged to the same man from above and I figure she'll take his last name when they get married. I still doubt I'll be wanting to change mine...

Rhianna momma to ds #1 - 9 & ds #2 - born 10/22/2012

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#36 of 53 Old 01-05-2006, 03:52 AM
 
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Originally Posted by yoyo65
Our dp's partners sure can be annoying, can't they?

Here's what my dh's ex did.
When she got remarried, a couple years after their divorce, the twins were probably about6 or 7 years old, she just started using her new h's last name for the twins too. Like when she registared them for school (yup, all their school records all the way through high school, have the wrong last name)

She didn't do it legally at all. Never asked dh if she could. Her new h didn't try to adopt them. She just put the wrong last name on everything regarding her and my dh's kids, for years.

The twins are 25 now and are still having problems getting legal records and stuff like that because the official records show a different last name then what is their legal name.
To be honest....I do not totally disagree with this

What if that is what the boys wanted?

This was me when I was little....I was the only one with a different last name. It made me very self conscious. My bio dad would not allow me to switch it.

Finally at age 19, I was adopted by my step dad. I had already used his last name on everything since age 8. It made me feel like I belonged.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#37 of 53 Old 01-05-2006, 07:40 AM
 
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I don't see any reason why your SO should even bring it up to her, unless HE wants to stir up trouble... It's HER right to keep HER name, and that's that.
Not really, the name was aquired through the marriage, and he can fight her on it if he chooses. He may not win, but he can fight it. And I really don't think the pp needs counseling to deal with this. If she said, she didn't want to marry him, if the ex kept his name, I could see suggesting counseling to deal with the issue, but she didn't. She said it bothered her. It bothered me, and I dealt with it, without seeking professional help. It just took time. And reading through this thread, and the one I linked, she and I are not the only ones who have felt like this. So I think repeatedly telling her to seek counseling, is jumping the gun, just a bit.
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#38 of 53 Old 01-05-2006, 11:42 AM
 
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Seriously, you are telling a woman that she needs counseling because she doesn't like the idea of having the same name of the woman that caused her SO grief? I think that's a bit harsh....

When DH and I first got together, he was still married to his ex as well. Only because, at the time, neither one of them could afford a divorce... When he finally did get the divorce, it bothered me a little that when we would get married, I would have the same last name as her... was it something I would leave him over? Of course not, but it did bother me a little... then I realized that she was really only keeping her name because the kids have it and really, it's just a name. Her maiden name wouldn't make her any less his former wife.... everyone knew that I was the 2nd Mrs Y. and her changing her name wouldn't make that any less of a fact. What I have come to realize is that being the 2nd Mrs Y. just means that I was the one to succeed in keeping him, lol. And honestly, the only people that know I'm the 2nd Mrs Young generally call me Jeri so it's not really an issue... it's just a name and I do love sharing it with my husband and I will be happy the day she gets married and changes her last name... but then a whole other issue comes about when she tries to have the kid's change their name... cuz I'm sure she will.

But anyway, just try to let go of the anger for her. I know that's a hard thing to do but just remember you will be the new Mrs. B which just means you are the one that's tied to him, her name is just a left-over from a failed marriage... I highly doubt it's a name she's proud of, just easier to keep then change.

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#39 of 53 Old 01-05-2006, 03:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by AngelBee
To be honest....I do not totally disagree with this

What if that is what the boys wanted?

This was me when I was little....I was the only one with a different last name. It made me very self conscious. My bio dad would not allow me to switch it.

Finally at age 19, I was adopted by my step dad. I had already used his last name on everything since age 8. It made me feel like I belonged.
she didn't even ask the twins, she just did what she wanted. she just started using her new h's name (they divorced about 5 years ago) in place of their legally givin name. She never asked their daddy. Never took the legal route through the courts. It would have not been so bad, I would have understood , just to use the same last name for social situations, but she wouldn't use their legally givin name on legal papers (like school registration). Like I said, that act is STILL causing those two problems even into their adulthood. When my DSS joined to marines a few years ago, he had to go through a whole bunch of crap because his school records did not match his SSN and his birth certificate and such stuff. He also had a hard time emotionally for a while because he did not "know who he was".
Neither of them even liked the stepfather and tried to hang our at our house as much as they could. May have worked out in your situation, but this one it didn't.

I didn't take dh's last name when we got married. Not because of any ex issues, I wouldn't have a problem with that. My name would've been Shelly Kelly. I rather have my own last name.

DH DS 1996 DS 2000 We are the Mods! We are the Mods! We are, we are, we are the Mods!
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#40 of 53 Old 01-05-2006, 05:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My name would've been Shelly Kelly..
Julia Gulia...........

sorry bad humor!
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#41 of 53 Old 01-05-2006, 05:15 PM
 
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I think counseling is in order because th OP is USING this issue to mask other issues (which she stated in one post, issues with the ex over children). THAT is why counseling is needed, not simply over a name...

I also belive the OP's got some issues with 'well, *I* did this and *MY MOM* did this, so it's WRONG for others to do it differently' attitude..

That won't get anyone far in life...
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#42 of 53 Old 01-05-2006, 06:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I never said I and MY and HER - you are the one accenting these words.

I stated she has made our relationship dificult but that just made me stand with him stronger and realize she has not moved on. ex has gone from never allowing any contact wioth me and not feeling confotable sending the kids to visit grandparents in florida and the ultimate best: a comment she made to SO "you took the right away from the kids to hate you, they should hate you for leaving them and having a new son" I think you would have issues with this person. none of this has made me love SO less...and we have stood strong together besides all her insults to me.....she is so hurt he left her originally, she started to brainwash him that the kids would be emotionally disturbed their whole lives if he did not go back home and fake a happy marriage with her......

I do not care, and for the 1.5 yrs SO and i have been together have not cared what she does....including when she called me a floozie from Vegas and that I was only with him becasue he was my lottery ticket (I work, I own my house, my car is paid off and I supply the happiest life I can for my children)
To me she seems that she has the emotional bagage....I have friends that have kept their married name and others who have returned to their maiden. I asked him what she planned on doing and he said he did not know but if it were imortant to me than he would ask her.....

it bothers me that someone who has developed such hatetred for someone would keep it. the comment about my mom is just an example that not all women see it as HER name (as you so capital letter put it) but that I am not the only person who sees nothing with taking back your original name.

I cannot remember - but what would you do if you marry? will you take your husband's name ans YOUR name? If not, then would you not feel like you are identified with your husband because you have different names? If explaining why your child and you have different names, would it not be dificult to explain to a mortgage broker that you are married but legaly have different names? Would you correct everyone that called and asked for Mrs. Husband that you are not Mrs Husband, but Ms Daughter.......

give me a break on the figer pointing...all I said was that I did not understand why she would not change it - not that I was irrate that she would keep it.

Why is this post hitting so close to home for you? Have you internalized how rude and accusive you sound to me to find the base of your reaction to a person you know nothing about or nothing about my relationship? Have you nothing better to do than to become so passionate about my mental well being and the life I am about to embrace?

I don't get it.

Thank you for those that understood where I was going with this post...even those that do not know me.
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#43 of 53 Old 01-05-2006, 06:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OMG - plus counceling was *suggested* before I mentioned her problem with me in regards to the kids or a problem with everything in general
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#44 of 53 Old 01-06-2006, 05:19 PM
 
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I am keeping my married name. Mainy because it is DS's last name and also because it is a PITA to change my name back on all my credit cards, liscense, ss card, etc. I really don't have any extra money to do it either.

I can also give you a different perspective: I grew up with my father's last name. My mother and father were never married and my father left when I was 3. I spent my whole life with a different last name than my mother's and I always wished we had the same last name. My mother then married, took my step-dad's last name and they had my sister. So all three of them had the same last name and I had a different last name. Talk about feeling left out. It kind of bothered me when people assumed my last name was the same, or would call me by their last name. It contributed to my feelings of segregation.

I can defenitely see why someone would want to keep their married last name, especially when there are children involved. Don't take offense to it.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#45 of 53 Old 01-06-2006, 09:32 PM
 
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It is messy in many ways. So the ex kept dh's last name and it matches my dss's name. Great. But now she has another 2 kids with boyfriend and those kids have the guys last name. So keeping her name to match her kids' isn't happening. Maybe we have to believe that a name is a name and doesn't have to separate you from, or join you to anyone. And teach our kids that, too.
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#46 of 53 Old 01-07-2006, 02:55 AM
 
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My mom and dad divorced and my mom kept her married name. Her rational - "it is my name."


I am married but didn't take my dh's name. Our children will be hislastname-mylastname. People choose the symbolism they find important. Symbols aren't teh thing themself - just a symbol. Me and dh have plunty of symbols of teh strnegth of our relationship (and we also have th relationship itself ). We have abosutely no problems with health insuraence or banks or anything. LOTS of women don't change their name when they marry so it isn't anything new.

Let this one go. It really is silly to get up in arms about what other people choose to call themselves. It is a very personal thing and everyone has different ideas and reasons for calling themself something or other.
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#47 of 53 Old 01-07-2006, 05:13 AM
 
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Maybe we have to believe that a name is a name and doesn't have to separate you from, or join you to anyone. And teach our kids that, too.
That is a GREAT way of thinking!
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#48 of 53 Old 01-07-2006, 05:15 AM
 
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Okay, it's been a very long time since I've been on this website. Frankly, as if my own problems weren't enough, I found myself concerned and down right worried about everyone else's problems. I know, it probably sounds stupid, but I had to wean myself off this site just like getting off Dr. Pepper sodas.

Now about this post. I have three not so short, but very interesting, stories to tell. All very different.

1. My mom has kept her married name after leaving her husband 50 years ago. She had two children with him and wanted to keep their name (like most of you). She then had 3 more children out of wedlock and gave them her last name instead of their fathers. She has never liked to talk about it and would never answer any of my questions as to why she did that. It was so long ago (1950's and 1960's). She then had me & my sister by our father and gave us his last name. I had a real problem growing up with a different last name as my older siblings and mother. I didn't understand why she gave them her name but not me & my sister. It wasn't until I was older that I realized I was given the correct name, then the questions started. lol

To this day the three siblings that were given her first husband's last name are having an identity crisis. One brother wanted to change his name to his father's last name when he was an adult, but found out it was a lot of work for a man and he would have to explain why to a lot of people & didn't want to air dirty laundry.

2. My sister got a divorce 15 years ago. She kept her married name because it was her children's last name (common). She then had 3 more children with her live in boyfriend and they had their father's last name. Now those children question why mom has her ex husband's last name. It's been a little difficult on her.

3. My husband's ex kept his last name because of the children (again). I never had a problem with it because she wasn't married and it was her children's name. My problem came when she remarried and chose to keep my husband's last name instead. She had a new child with her new husband and wanted to give it my husband's (which is hers) last name. My husband threw a fit and threw it in her husband's face. He told him that this child will be confused as to who her father is and will have trouble tracing her family tree if something happend to her real dad when she was young. He finally put his foot down and insisted his last name be given to the child. The ex put her last name (my husband's) and a hyphen with the father's last name so that it can go by both and all her children will have the same last name.

My real problem started when the staff at the school were told by her to continue to refer to her as MRS. #$@#$#@. I explained that I am the MRS. @#$#@$ and she is the MS. #@$#@$. She then sent us an email and demanded that we call her MRS.@#$@#$#@. That is pushing it. I can see keeping your married name while you are single, or in rare cases like if you became a doctor after getting married, that you keep it after you remarry. But when you are married to another man and wanted to be called MRS. Exhusband's last name. I don't think so.
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#49 of 53 Old 01-07-2006, 03:45 PM
 
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I'll make up names here. I have a friend who was born "Matt Cook" but he never knew his bio dad. When his mom remarried, the stepdad adopted him and he became Matt Jones. His stepdad left and Matt grew up Matt Jones. When he got older, he reconnected with his dad (Mr. Cook). When he married, his wife wanted to keep her last name since her brother had died. He loved her family so they were going to be called the Greens. His dad found out and freaked out and volunteered to pay to have the son's name restored to Matt Cook then they could hypenate Cook-Green. Matt had a baby and named it Jane Cook-Green (though his wife is still Green and he is still Jones). THEN, his biodad found out how much it costs for a man to change his name, and backed out! So they are:
Wife with last name Green,
Husband with last name Jones
and baby with last name Cook-Green.

They had another baby,too, but I haven't asked what her last name is.

This stuff is all so confusing and carries on into the next generation!
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#50 of 53 Old 01-07-2006, 07:48 PM
 
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Can you imagine what it's going to be like for the grandchildren of this Matt guy? If they ever try to research their ancestry, they'll have a heck of a time.

Sometimes I wish I would have hyphenated my last name with my husband's. I really miss having the name I was given at birth. I've only been married for 2 1/2 years and I have a hard time. I feel like I'm talking about a stranger when I say my full name. It's like I'm a new person and I miss my old person.

Heaven forbid it would ever happen (knock on wood), but if I were to ever get a divorce, children or not, I will take back my birth name.
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#51 of 53 Old 01-08-2006, 11:00 PM
 
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My husbands ex THANKFULLLLLLYYYYY took back her maiden name after their divorce. She planned a pregnancy (unmarried) and therefore the child took her name. So happy she had taken back her maiden name so the baby had HER name , NOT my DH's. He is from a different country and there aren't many names like his out there. I didn't want any confusion on who the father of her son was. :

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#52 of 53 Old 01-08-2006, 11:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by nata0742
SO and ex are in the tail end of their divorce....last night I asked SO if she was taking back her maiden name. He said this was not an issue that has come up.

I have a problem with it! am I crazy to let this bother me...I do not want to be the 2nd Mrs. B.!

ooopss... i will add.......... You are NOT crazy !

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#53 of 53 Old 01-09-2006, 03:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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[QUOTE=Flor]
Wife with last name Green,
Husband with last name Jones
and baby with last name Cook-Green.
[quote]

cute....

I have a friend in town - names changed:
DH Paul Jones, dad abandoned them
DW Maggie Smith (2nd marriage - restored maiden at divorce)
DD Aimee More (DH's mother's maiden name - they feel more More than Jones.....)

I dont think this kid will be any more confused than any oth the other scenareos presented....

we have to admit - we are different generation as of before and remarriage and multiple partners with children through a lifetime is not unheard of.

so when are we dropping this thread?
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