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#1 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 01:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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SO and ex are in the tail end of their divorce....last night I asked SO if she was taking back her maiden name. He said this was not an issue that has come up.

I have a problem with it! am I crazy to let this bother me...I do not want to be the 2nd Mrs. B.!
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#2 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 01:39 PM
 
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I don't plan to return to my maiden name. I've had this name for almost 13 years, and I have no desire to change it. I obviously won't go by Mrs. HisFirstName LastName, but I will continue to be MyFirstName LastName. I want to keep the same last name as my kids.
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#3 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 01:44 PM
 
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DH's ex kept his name - primarily to have the same name as his kids. It really doesn't bother me. And our last name is very unique. I guess I've never really understood why 2nd wives think 1st wives should HAVE to change their names.
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#4 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 01:54 PM
 
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My mil divorced dh's dad about 35 years ago and she still carries her married name. One of my former graduate assistant was only married for 5 years and she also has no intentions of changing her name back.
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#5 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 03:33 PM
 
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Yup, I'm another who never took back my maiden name, and have no intentions of doing so.

It is the last name of my child, and I want to have the same last name as her, plain and simple. It is MY name, I was legally given it at marriage, and there's NO reason why anyone should be able to take it away from me.

My SO's ex also still has his last name, and to be honest, the ONLY way it would bother me, would be if she were to have another child and give that child 'her' (my SO's) last name... THAT would bother me...
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#6 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 03:35 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nata0742
I have a problem with it! am I crazy to let this bother me...I do not want to be the 2nd Mrs. B.!
I also want to add, this isn't up to you, or your ex. And if it honestly bothers you that much, maybe you could keep your maiden name, or just really stop and think WHY it bothers you so much.

This is YOUR issue that you need to deal with, and hopefully, prior to actually getting married.
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#7 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 03:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess becasue I would not want that tie anymore to him.......

I have my maiden - but then again I never took ex's to begin with - never felt it in my heart.....

yes - it is an issue with me - I have no problem in admitting it.......
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#8 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 03:39 PM
 
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I don't think you should let it bother you.

My last name is the same name as my husband's, but that doesn't mean it's "his" name. My name is my name, regardless of whether I was born with it or not.

Namaste!
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#9 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 03:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by nata0742
I guess becasue I would not want that tie anymore to him.......
I'm sorry, but you have to deal with it. He married her, and she took his name. It's now HER name. That's it.

I'm sorry if you have issues to deal with regarding marrying a previously married man, but maybe it's time to talk to a counselor or someone about it if it's really gonna bug you this much...
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#10 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 03:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
I'm sorry, but you have to deal with it. He married her, and she took his name. It's now HER name. That's it.

I'm sorry if you have issues to deal with regarding marrying a previously married man, but maybe it's time to talk to a counselor or someone about it if it's really gonna bug you this much...
:
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#11 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 03:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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really no need to discuss with a councler - a name is just a name......the only name I see as mine is the name I was given at birth....any other would be an aquired name but I do not need to take a name to simbolize my love for him....
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#12 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 03:58 PM
 
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Oh and I don't know about anyone else, but after the divorce, I stopped using 'Mrs', I'm not a 'Mrs' anymore...


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the only name I see as mine is the name I was given at birth....any other would be an aquired name but I do not need to take a name to simbolize my love for him....
I can see you're getting defensive. And you're right, noone NEEDS to take a name, but it's obviously a BIG DEAL to you, or this wouldn't even be a thread... So, I really would consider talking to someone about this...

You also cannot push your belief of the 'acquired name' on anyone else. I fully believe MY name is MY name regardless of how I got it.

When my SO adopts my daughter and she gets his name, that will be HER name, not 'acquired', make sense?
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#13 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 04:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I asked the name issue on another board....so far got two answers to the question:
married name : "your" name or "married" name (aquired)

one person considers it her name another considers it her aquired married name but would not change it becasue of the paperwork involved....

it really is how each person sees it - and I was not pushing it on others - just my point of view on the name......
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#14 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 04:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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my mom has been seperated from my dad for ever and a half! and she socially goes by her maiden name......
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#15 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 04:29 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nata0742
it really is how each person sees it - and I was not pushing it on others - just my point of view on the name......
I never said you were trying to push it on us, I don't think you are at all. But I DO think you want to push it on your SO's ex. You seem to want control over HER name, and quite frankly, that's silly!!

You need to work on getting over this, and deal with this. Instead of worrying so much about what name another grown woman decides to use.
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#16 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 04:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nata0742
my mom has been seperated from my dad for ever and a half! and she socially goes by her maiden name......
And that's what SHE chose, but that's not what every woman chooses. MOST that I've ever known have used their married names, and the ones I know personally who used their maiden, NEVER took their husbands name..

You really should consider talking to someone about this. If it is, indeed JUST A NAME, you shouldn't be this worked up or this defensive about it..
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#17 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 04:32 PM
 
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I'm wondering if what's REALLY bothering you is the fact that you will be his SECOND wife. Seriously, whether she keeps the name or not, you will ALWAYS be the 'second Mrs B'... You really should talk to someone and deal with these feelings prior to marriage....
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#18 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 04:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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being his second wife does not bother me - he will be my second husband...we each had no love coming from our previous spouses so this is a new feeling for both - a feeling of love and respect for the other as an individual....

I just asked him about that last night and he did not know but would ask her what her intentions are - I think it would just stir things up again...she has been nothing but a pain through this when she saw him moving on with his life...but now she is dating and has been "easy" to deal with except now she had declaired war on me telling him she will not permit the kids to be close to me...that she will not allow them to visit during summer vacation becasue he would be working and they would be in my care.....

I know I can't impose myself to ask her to change it......and I wont - but it bothers me since she has only made it dificult for him...
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#19 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 05:09 PM
 
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I just don't understand what her keeping HER name has to do with ANY of that? She'd probably still be a pain in the ass no matter WHAT her name was. It's her name, she's had it for a while (I don't know how long), and is on ALL of her mail, ALL of her accounts, on EVERYTHING associated with HER.

I don't understand what a SIMPLE NAME has to do with any of those things that were bothering you. I don't see any reason why your SO should even bring it up to her, unless HE wants to stir up trouble... It's HER right to keep HER name, and that's that.
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#20 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 06:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nata0742
being his second wife does not bother me - he will be my second husband...we each had no love coming from our previous spouses so this is a new feeling for both - a feeling of love and respect for the other as an individual....


declaired war on me telling him she will not permit the kids to be close to me...that she will not allow them to visit during summer vacation becasue he would be working and they would be in my care.....

I know I can't impose myself to ask her to change it......and I wont - but it bothers me since she has only made it dificult for him...

Okay, first, you do sound like you have a problem with someone else having your SO's name. You should work on that before you get married to him. Like it or not, she was his first wife, AND mama to his babies.

Also, I would have a huge problem sending the kids to go stay with dad while he worked and his SO was taking care of them. Most divorces/custody agreements have a line about first refusal. That mom/dad gets first refusal of doing childcare while the other is working/whatever. She can and will likely use that to keep the kids home. Unless your SO can take a huge chunk of time off this summer, be prepared to deal with this.
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#21 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 06:41 PM
 
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I am sorry you are going through some emotionally charged stuff right now.

: for you and your family.

How many children does he have? Do you have any children?

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#22 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 10:02 PM
 
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Sounds like you are really frustrated right now.

I know for me, when my DH's ex is being difficult, I tend to get really irritated with EVERYthing about her, even if it's not important stuff. I try to catch myself in that mindset, check myself, and then move on to more important matters.

In this case, it is her name, she shares it with her children, and it makes perfect sense that she would want to keep it. For your sake, I hope you can focus on what is really bothering you (sounds like there is plenty) and let this one go.
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#23 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 10:17 PM
 
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I have to admit, that if my ex called me to ask if I was going to change my name or not, I'd likely be pissed at him and tell him it's none of his business. Because, it isn't.

Sure, I took his last name when we married, but I am not the ONLY person on the Earth with that name and I no longer associate my name with him in any way, shape, or form. I don't think it's a "tie to him" or anything about our former life, except for the fact that it is the same name as my children, and for some reason, that means something to me right now.

The biggest reason I keep it is because of the kids. The other reason I keep it is because of the hassle of changing every single thing. I don't even associate it with my ex at all. We have a clear separation of lives now and it is simply, the name of my children and the name I have been using for more than 10 years.

Another point: If your SO's ex has a problem with you....if she finds out that the name thing bugs you....she will likely use that as a weapon against you.
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#24 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 10:27 PM
 
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Personally, I wouldn't want to keep my married name if I were no longer married. But...I would want the same last name as my children. So, that's a tough one. I agree w/you but I understand why she's doing it. Besides, aren't you going to keep your first name or hyphenate?


btw...guess who
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#25 of 53 Old 01-03-2006, 10:48 PM
 
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Are there any other Mrs. B's? His mom, his brothers wife? A sister who didn't change her name?

If it bothers you, it bothers you....but you asked if you were crazy to let it bother you. I don't think you're crazy to let it bother you, but I DO think you should do what you need to accept it and get over it.

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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#26 of 53 Old 01-04-2006, 02:51 AM
 
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I made a post about this, some time ago. It really irked me then. But now, I still don't *like* it, but I just deal with it and let it go. Actually now, thinking about it, I think the ex will have a fit, if I have HER last name..LOL! Here is the link to mine..
my thread
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#27 of 53 Old 01-04-2006, 03:02 AM
 
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I know things like this can get under our skin, but try to put it in the background. There will always be things like this in this situation--if you've signed on for it, then unfortunately it's part of the deal.

My spouse's ex has the same first initial as me, and she changed her email name to "firstinitial-lastname-1". Grrr...am I supposed to be "firstinitial-lastname-2"?

My MIL uses a silver napkin ring that was engraved with her initials at my place setting on holidays.

It goes on and on...just try not to let anyone get more space in your head than they deserve!! Very challenging...
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#28 of 53 Old 01-04-2006, 03:56 AM
 
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My MIL uses a silver napkin ring that was engraved with her initials at my place setting on holidays.
OMG!!! Now THAT would REALLY make me mad! Seems like she would honor you as a part of the family and have one made for you, and put away the old one or toss it, something. Although I'd probably say something to your dh and not her, and let him bring it to her attention.
Oh and the first initial thing is where I'll be at too. His family or anyone who knows us both always says 'who' when dp is talking about me or his ex cause our names sound pretty similiar. They both start with a 'k' and end with a long 'e' sound.
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#29 of 53 Old 01-04-2006, 04:29 AM
 
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I do think it is weird when exwives keep the last name. I know that if I divorced dh there is no way in heck I'd keep his last name. Then he'd have this tribe of women out there bearing his last name. I have been married for almost 6 years and I still don't feel like it is my "real" last name. Just the name I use legally. I don't understand this "keeping it for the kids" especially when in our case the ex is living with a new guy, has two kids with him, and those kids, have the other guys last name. What is especially weird in our case, is that dh believes that she never legally changed it to his name anyway.

I find it annoying that the ex still has dh's name, but oh, well. I didn't need to go to consuling over it. Just one of those many annoyances of being a second wife.

I don't think it is a hassle to change your name again anymore than it was to change my name to dh's the first time. It must happen with some frequency since on dh's divorce papers there is just a box to check to restore the wive's name, though no one cared to do it at the time.

Birthmomstepmom, I am confused. You keep your ex's name because it is your daughter's name, but your daughter is changing her name when she gets adopted by your dh? Sorry if I didn't read that closely enough.

OP, I don't think you are crazy for having these feelings. Just decide if it is worth it to bring it up, might get ugly.
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#30 of 53 Old 01-04-2006, 02:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flor
Birthmomstepmom, I am confused. You keep your ex's name because it is your daughter's name, but your daughter is changing her name when she gets adopted by your dh? Sorry if I didn't read that closely enough.
I'm not married now. I *never* said I was. And when I do get married, I will not be changing my last name, until my DD can change hers as well. We will continue to have the same last name until she decides to marry.

It's important to me to have her last name. Her 'biodad' is NOT in the picture at all, and any and ALL relatives live 3000 miles away. I feel to keep things less confusing, her and I need to share our name.
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